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Parenting

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Original poster

How do you explain the whole death thing to a 3 year old?

21 replies

Nbg · 04/03/2007 14:24

Have just been nattering with Melsy on msn and her dd has been watching a film with her and it had ghosts in. Not scary or anything but she was questioning what they were etc.
Melsy asked me on what she should tell her and my response was, well it all depends on how your going to deal with the whole death thing.

I know my dd will say things like "he's died or he's dead". For example, she has been watching Barnyard the film and she gets a bit teary when the cow dies.
But i dont think for a second she actually has any understanding of it.

Has anyone had to go into details about death to their children and if so what did you say?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nbg · 04/03/2007 14:48

bump

OP posts:

nailpolish · 04/03/2007 14:53

nbg, my 4 yr old has been asking this a lot after MIL died

we just said that Grandma had been tired and old, and her body had gone into the ground, and that new babies were born all the time, the circle of life (we watched The Lion King and ET)

we dont believe in God so we didnt talk about heaven etc

and we were careful not to say 'Grandma fell asleep' as FIL suggested because i was worried dd would be frightened to go to sleep

she seemed ok with it, but did ask why we put Grandmas body in the ground

its very difficult

nikkie · 04/03/2007 14:56

When dd1 was about 3 my horse was put down and we explained it by her being ill, and when she died her 'life' went somewhere where she was happy (in our a case everyone goes to be a star in the sky and watch over you) not long after this we had 2 dogs die and then 2005 their Grandad and then my G-Nanna.Dd1 now talks about heaven but also stars in the sky.
The first night after my horse died she stayed up to look at the stars and there was one very bright one and we stood there in tears , now every time someone has died we look for 'their' star.
Strangly neither kids have asked about ghosts!

Original poster

Nbg · 04/03/2007 15:00

Good one about the sleeping thing.
I've told dd about heaven but I'm like you, I dont believe in god.

It really is awkward.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 04/03/2007 15:00

Use my hand in glove thing

hang on I'll try to find it

Original poster

Nbg · 04/03/2007 15:01

Awww thats lovely nikkie about the stars.
I love that idea.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 04/03/2007 15:06

By Twiglett on Tue 28-Feb-06 13:42:10

I don't know what a humanist is but I told DS this

I put my hand in a glove (well actually a sock cos I couldn't find a glove) and wiggled my fingers I said "this is you, the glove is your body. When you die you leave your body behind"

I kept wiggling my fingers as I took them out of the glove to keep his attention on my hand and laid the glove down. "so the bit that is you I call your spirit and that keeps going on" mad swoops with hand and tickling to make him laugh "but you have left your body behind because you don't need it anymore"

HTH

PS .. to this he said 'oh'

melsy · 04/03/2007 15:08

yes good point about sleeping , gawwwd u have to be so careful what u may unintentionally imprint.

Your post made me cry nikkie, really made me well up. What a beautiful analogy.

I have very spiritual beliefs and feelings ,and some dont go with our jewish traditions and culture. So Im not sure how to get it across to dd1. I dont see God as a separate entity to us , this all omnipotent being. I just see it as an energy source were we all go and come from.

I suppose in there lies some of my explanation.

melsy · 04/03/2007 15:10

aww thats also great twiglet , I really really like that one , sometimes better with visuals than explanations at this age.

Original poster

Nbg · 04/03/2007 15:10

I like that too Twig.
Hmmm alot to think about mels.

OP posts:

Bucketsofdynomite · 04/03/2007 16:27

I told my dd that when you die you become part of the earth and plants and the animals and sky. I figured it would cover burial and cremation as they come up (ties in with Philip Pullman's dust concept LOL). DD now wants to be a blueberry tree when she dies.

LilyLoo · 04/03/2007 21:07

NBG very hard i lost my mum a year before DS born but have spoken to him about her and he is very sensitive to this. We watched Jack Frost before xmas where kids dad dies he got very upset and asked lots of questions ie why etc. i have always tried to be very honest 'doctors can't make everyone better etc.not sure whether this right or not but feel that at this age they just want an answer and are very acceoting of what you say therefore didn't think going down sleep route etc would be very helpful in long run. NB have done the star thing, Nikkie, and to be honest love it when he says he can see his nanna. Ps good thread.

lady007pink · 04/03/2007 21:25

I had the double tragedy of losing my young Mum and Dad to cancer within 4 weeks of each other. My children (DS then 4 and DD1 then 2) saw them in their coffins. We explained they were sick and could no longer live in this world, so they went to a better one. DS seemed to understand, but DD1 wanted to jump into the coffin and cuddle them like she did when they were alive. They didn't see them being buried, but we frequently visit their grave and chat to them.
I talk about Mum and Dad all the time so they won't forget their grandparents. I'm really happy DD1 always recognises them in photos even though she was only 2 when they died.
It's so hard.

LilyLoo · 04/03/2007 21:34

Poor u Lady007 this very difficult situation. The only difficulty i find now is that sometimes Ds becomes bit hung up on if me and Dp going to die. Although still not sure if he really knows what this means. Totally agree with them being aware of death though as it will happen in their life and unfortunately some of us have to face it before others. Think you were very brave L007.

Original poster

Nbg · 05/03/2007 06:57

Lilylou and lay
Did you find that you just dealt with the situation as it face you or did you have a good think as to how you approached it?

Sorry, that must be a silly question really.

OP posts:

danceswithnewboots · 05/03/2007 07:50

When FIL died we told dd (3 1/2) that he had gone to a special place where he was very happy. She seemed to understand but a few months ago said, tomorrow I'm going to the special place to see Grandpa I explained that she couldn't go and that she wouldn't be going for a very, very, very (X10)long time but Grandpa wasn't sad because he could see her all the time from the special place. She seemed satisfied with that but I don't know if she really understands though. I like Twigs idea.

KTeePee · 05/03/2007 08:01

We have just dealt with the death of a pet - our (just) 3 yr old didn't really understand, thought we were being mean burying her, etc.

I bought the "Goodbye Mog" book which has helped but it probably depends on your own beliefs what you feel comfortable saying, but if you are happy talking about the spirit still going on (and using some of the excellent ways of explaining given previously) I think it may be easier for a child to accept than death being a final sort of thing.... And of course it is very different dealing with the death of a person than a pet.

nailpolish · 05/03/2007 08:35

lilylou i find that with dd1 as well, i told her Grandma had been old and very tired and very poorly, she is now really worried at times, asking "but are you old mummy? is daddy old? is Gran old?"

its really hard

lady007pink · 05/03/2007 10:10

Nbg, I just dealt with the situation as it was happening. I suppose I didn't really have time to deal with it. Firstly, they were both diagnosed in September 2004, and both times was a shock for us all. They were in the final stages, but they were having chemo, so all along I was hopeful the chemo would work. I didn't want to think about them dying - I couldn't have looked after them if I thought they were going to die. That's just the way I am. Other people prefer to know these things and would probably have young children prepared for when it would happen. They died in Feb 2005. A few times, DC have asked could they go and see Nanna, but I'd explain she was in her nice new world and could see them even if they couldn't see her.
I've since had DD2, she's 3 months old but I'll make sure she knows all about the grandparents she never met.

cremolafoam · 05/03/2007 10:17

maybe some advice on here

LilyLoo · 05/03/2007 10:42

Had the advantage of the event happening before i had DS so suppose i did have some time to prepare but to be honest just went with my instincts and now we only talk about it if he brings it up. But to be honest felt that it helped when his gold fish died as he had had some preperation for it.

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