Could mil be right?

[Deedee3311]

Ok had a bit of a history with mil, deliberately undermining me to the point dh who is a complete mummy's boy had no choice but to pull her up. She competes with me I feel, she literally doesn't stop. She's constantly in my dd face from the minute she's there to the minute she goes. Constantly, constantly talking to her, 'what's that, what have you got, oh is that a fish, bla bla bla' she doesn't come up for air. Weird faces, barking/meowing at the table when we are out for a meal, doesn't have the ability to have an adult conversation while she's in your presence etc. It's just all about getting dd to be totally focused on her. She sees her once a week so it's not like she barely sees her.

Anyway, a few times now mil has made a comment when dd (20 months) has had a tantrum 'ohhhh you never do this with granny' and goes on to tell me how she's shocked at her having a tantrum and how 'she never even cries with her'. Now dd goes to her most weeks for about 6 hours while I work from home, I find it hard to believe she doesn't cry and has never had a tantrum in her presence. Today I've had the day from hell with her, being heavily pregnant doesn't help with me coping with it. She's said NO to everything, a new thing she's got going. She's smacked me in the face, had a tantrum at toddler group, again in the car, again when we got home, thrown her dinner all over the place. She's really been awful if I'm honest! And all I've got at the back of my mind is, yesterday when I collected dd from mil and he had a tantrum when I put her in her car seat because she wanted to play with the buckle on it, mil again said 'she never does this with granny I can't brlirve it, she never cries with granny'. It's giving me a slight complex. One part of me thinks she could be being competitive again, yet the other half thinks she could be telling the truth and maybe me dd just doesn't enjoy my company all that much, well today for definite.

She probably doesn't do it with granny! She's only there for 6 hours a week. Kids always play up more with their mums I think. But better that way. At least you know she's angel when she's out and saves it all for at home

Better than the other way around I reckon.

It will get better, don't worry!

My dd is only 7 months but I think she's much happier when my mum is around, she gets more smiley and giggly and sometimes I feel a bit gutted like she doesn't enjoy my company! I think as previous poster says, kids do behave differently for parents

I guess I am just curious why that is. If it's true, I feel she's being smug about it. My mum also has her and has said numerous times what a little Madame she is sometimes and has a little temper. So maybe mil is the only person who hasn't seen this.

Here the reason is that the in laws have absolutely zero boundaries. My kids can do what they want, when they want and eat what they want when they are with their grandparents - so they have bugger all to whinge or tantrum about. Whereas we have to deal with the over tired, sugar high consequences when they are dropped back to us... While I do love that they have a nice time and relationship with them I sometimes inwardly seethe at the behaviour after a visit...

My 20 month old has tantrums with me and his dad, but not with either set of grandparents. Don't let MIL get under your skin, it's totally normal for a child to behave worse with its parents. Not sure of the psychology of it but presumably because they feel most comfortable to test boundaries and express their emotions with their parents. You're doing a great job

She probably doesn't do it with granny. My MIL used to give my son a chocolate biscuit every time he was showing any sign of discontent as a distraction. She'd also point out how he was perfect with her...she never said no, had plenty of rest so was always on good form and it wasn't her job to worry about diet, teeth cleaning or whether it was spoiling him. I just gritted my teeth most of the time as once a week wasn't that often. It did annoy me though.The plus side was she really did love him and he really enjoyed being there.

Kids tend to push boundaries most with the people they feel most emotionally safe with, so normally act up most with their parents. If your dd really never acts up with Granny then as others have said she is either being spoilt to the point of not getting the chance to or it's because she doesn't feel as secure as she does with you... or a mix of both, either way Granny shouldn't brag about it!

Well sounds like granny has all her attention on dd and i also have a feeling she doesn't oftn say no,so there's no reason for your dd to cry or tantrum.

She probably doesn't do it with mil because mil probably doesn't say no to anything. My mum is terrible for giving in sometimes, whereas I will stand my ground more, therefore see more tantrums.

I have actively witnessed my toddler having his nappy changed at nursery. Just lay there quietly until it was done. At home he is a kicking screaming monster! Kids behave differently with different people and it's entirely possible she is an angel for granny. Plus granny probably spoils her and is constantly entertaining her - no need for tantrums!

Granny definitely lets her get her own way and also if she's in her face all the time full on your DD will be tired and cranky when you get her back, plus your not backing down letting her get her own way she will definitely then have a tantrum. My mum gives in to my DCs all the time. I've heard her say "just one more" about 4 times before she enforces it and by then they've eaten the whole packet of biscuits between them!

My MiL is 110% focused on her DGC when she seems them, right down to the bit in the OP about not being able to hold an adult conversation (although things have improved now that the children are older).
They never cried or tantrumed at MiLs house because she never gave them a second when even the inkling of the idea they may not get their own way could start to formulate in their minds. She pre-empted every need, bent over backwards to avoid conflict, pandered to their wishes and sacrificed her own needs and comfort. Why would they need to cry?

It was all a bit much TBH and very peculiar to watch.

I'd be tempted to reply with "Oh thats a shame, she must not feel very comfortable with you" if she says it again. "Its a normal part of growing up isnt it? But of course they only do it with people that they really trust, she can be a horror for my mum!"

Give her something to stew over!

I do wonder though why on earth you let her have your DD for hours at a time every week when she undermines you and has caused issues in the past. I would rather pay for nursery and only have her with MIL when I was there.

I agree that children behave differently with the different adults in their lives.

TBH, next time she says it I think I'd say "Then perhaps you can show me how you accomplish this. I'd be happy to know your strategy. What do you do when she doesn't want to do what you want her to". It'll either shut her up because she's fibbing, you'll find out that she stuffs her full of chocs and/or there are no rules at Grans, or she'll give you some good parenting tips.

Sure is not doing it with her as she is getting everything she wants from her! Same as my daughter, my in laws spoiles her to much and never says no to her! You dont have to be sorry for yourself because you have to say no to your DD, you have to set limits to her, is part of her education which u are being responsible for! We used to live with my in laws until last year, DD was 3 when we moved out, I ve made the best decision of my life! I dont mind them to spoil her but they were never saying no to her, meaning that she was having fizzy drinks and sweets behind my back, buying her everything she was asking for (it was a nightmare for me to take her out ti the shop as she was used to get everything she asked for so the result was a tantrum because i was saying no) Now after one year living on our own and seeing my in laws once in 2 months my DD is an angel, she knows that NO means NO without having a tantrum and I am not being bothered anymore because my in laws are spoiling her as they dont see her everyday! And still my DD is very cheeky as everytime she is on the phone with them asks them for things to be bought for her on her next visit 😂

Brilliant idea AcrossthePond

Children display their worst behaviour for the person they feel most secure with. Your DD knows (subconsciously) she can tantrum appallingly and you'll still love her- because you're her mum. She doesn't take that risk with MIL because she doesn't have that certainty.

DS1's key worker once asked me if DS1 (then 2 1/2) ever got cross because she'd never seen him angry/grumpy. Suffice to say DS1 was not a zen toddler!

Anyway, a few times now mil has made a comment when dd (20 months) has had a tantrum 'ohhhh you never do this with granny' and goes on to tell me how she's shocked at her having a tantrum and how 'she never even cries with her'.

"Awww, never mind, I mean obviously they always save this stuff for the people they feel closest to, but I'm sure she'll feel just as secure with you as she does my mum and I in time. No need to feel bad."

Kids normally only lose their shit when they're with people they trust to love them no matter what they do (you and your parents).

When they're with people they don't feel that secure with they hold it in (MIL).

I'd be smug about that