DC behaviour putting strain on marriage - any advice please?

[Honey1975]

We have 2 beautiful children aged 4 & 9 but they are both very demanding in their own way. My DS 9 is going through a phase of rudeness, lack of respect and we are struggling to deal successfully with his behaviour.
We have tried various things but nothing seems to improve his behaviour.

Our dd 4, is very demanding of our attention and will not be left alone to play, she always wants us. She is also picking up on some of the bad behaviour from her brother and she shouts at us a lot.

I suffer with low mood & anxiety and all of this isn't helping. My DH and I just can't seem to agree consistent ways of dealing with the behaviour. I have read so many things online and tried numerous approaches but when I try & talk to him about them his eyes glaze over and I don't get the feeling that he is fully backing me.

Basically we're finding parenting so bloody hard that we are beginning to argue and there is a strain on our relationship. We are both also knackered from working and the usual home stuff that has to be done and I just feel like we're not a very happy family right now.

Can anyone relate or offer some advice please?
Feeling desperate after more cross words between us tonight following a tantrum from DS when we told him to finish on his Xbox for the day!

Firstly if you want things to improve they have to get a whole lot worse before you turn a corner

What you chose to do has to be from both of you - backed up entirely (discussed later out of earshot)

Set boundaries together

1. swearing results in X
2. hitting results in Y

Xbox time has to be earnt - via good behavior including homework and chores - teeth cleaning etc max whatever

Thank you Astro, that's a good idea that Xbox time has to be earnt. At the moment DS just thinks he can go on it whenever he pleases with no thought for anyone else who might want to use the tv. He would spend hours on there if he could and gets very cross when we tell him to come off.
He does nothing to help in terms of chores but that is entirely our fault as we have never expected him to. I think that's a good place to start. I just hope it's not too late.

Rule No. 1 - parents must agree and back each other up about discipline. Otherwise the problem will worsen and continue.

I used to work for CAMHS - and we saw this same problem over and over again - and the solution was swift and easy. Agree on strategies and always back each other up. That is all that is needed. Job done.

Thank you Blossom, you're right. I am the one who reads the books & researches online what we can do in terms of discipline. Then I try & talk to dh about my latest ideas but I think perhaps I'm making heavy weather of it as he never seems to carry the suggestions out so
then we're not being consistent. I think he finds all my ideas a bit complicated which they probably are, but I am starting to resent being the one who comes up with all the ideas!

I guess we just need to find some simple rules & consequences that work & stick to them. Any suggestions of what other people
do would be really appreciated i.e consequences for rudeness, lack of respect etc. We've tried sending to bedroom & taking away xbox time but nothing is working.

Ds1 turned 10 last week. What I'm finding really works at this stage is involving him in making decisions, so he feels he has some input and isn't being 'babied' / told what to do all the time. (Obviously the decisions have to be within the boundaries of what you and dh consider reasonable not ds deciding Xbox until midnight every night!!!)