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Original poster

Please help me accept not having any more children

18 replies

Bucketsofdynomite · 02/03/2007 16:49

Have been unbearably broody this year, broke down on my mum today and she reminded me some some relevant hometruths. I know I have to drop the fantasy of a 3rd (DH doesn't want to go back to babyland), get over it and get back to enjoying life with the 2 we already have. I know I'm lucky to have them and with my youngest just turned 2 this year should be great.
But it's so hard... Don't know what I'm asking for here really - wisdom? Sympathy rants? Smack in the chops for being a selfish ungrateful cow? I think I actually cursed the concept of birth control today - how ungrateful is that?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PrettyCandles · 02/03/2007 16:53

I understand where you're cming from. I think you need to give yourself permission to grieve for what will not be. It does'nt mean you're not grateful for what you have.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2007 16:54

A short holiday, perhaps?

So that you think about the freedom that comes with having a 2 year old and older children?

I think that'd be great. Go with your family and enjoy watching them interact.

eemie · 02/03/2007 17:12

Sympathy. Can't really help...I'm not reconciled myself. Burst into tears at work this week when told a colleague had had her baby (I'm not always as bad as that - but had 'flu recently).

My sister went through an awful time a few years ago when she was desperate for a third and her husband wouldn't. She's fine now, though, and has no regrets.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

pointydog · 02/03/2007 17:24

Part of me really wanted three. It's just hormones really though. Makes no sense. And teh reality of it is, of course, much harder than teh fantasy. There are many, many things to enjoy about having older kids so concentrate on those things.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/03/2007 17:32

sympathies.

I am in a similar position at the moment although for me I'm not going to have any more children due to fertility problems.

There are difficult times, usually around the time my period is due, but for the most part I look at my ds and think how lucky I am to even have him. And there are others on these boards who have been through years of trying and stillbirth and who still don't have their much wanted baby, which for me, puts it all into perspective.

for me I feel that it's best to concentrate on the positive, and be grateful for the things I do have rather than grieving for the things I don/can't have.

bobalinga · 02/03/2007 17:57

Here's some more sympathy. I had my first 3 very close together (within 3 years) and always felt like I missed out cos I never got time to enjoy any of them. So I bugged DH for 8 years for number 4. I was so looking forward to a baby and toddler without other toddlers. Sadly though, DD (now 3) was born severely disabled. I still haven't had that baby/toddler experience and I know I never will now. DH wont have more kids because DD is such hard work (she requires 24 hour care) and he's scared it could hapen again.
But the desire to do those toddler things is there. I can't do any of them with DD. So I feel bereaved that its all gone and guilty for feeling bad cos its like betraying DD cos she isn't normal.
I know I should ge brateful for the older 3 but I really built up how great it was going to be when preg with DD.
I think I'm all mixed up with this.

LilyLoo · 02/03/2007 18:57

It's really hard i know. TBH we are in the process of considering whether to have another got DS 4 and DD 2. We were offficially finished then had a false alarm last month and TBH was gutted when AFH came and so was DP. However DD'S ill at minute and a few sleepless nights has been enough of a reminder how hard it would be and think DP rapidly going off the idea which is weirdly making me want another more!

Original poster

Bucketsofdynomite · 02/03/2007 21:29

Thanks all, I'm only just starting to realise that I haven't been myself lately, that this thing has been so in control of me that I have to start living the life I've got. I thought I was the one with the perspective, the reasonable one, but perhaps this is also a biological urge that is affecting my judgement and empathy.

OP posts:

christie1 · 02/03/2007 22:32

No, it's a real longing and you need to acknowledge it and grieve it. I am lucky in one sense, as age is now a factor so in this sense it is easier knowing my fertiity years are over. And then, sometimes it is worse, because it is over. I don't know how old you are, I think it would be harder if you are younger and still capable of having more. You are not selfish, maybe try to explain to dh your feelings and see if there is any room to consider a 3rd, if not now, if a few years. I don't know, sympathies from me. I know how incredibily painful this longing is. Sometimes, all you have is acceptance, but it doesn't mean it doesnt hurt. I find hugging my kids alot really helps. I consider them my balm to the hurt I feel sometimes over hte end of hte baby years.

Sparkler1 · 02/03/2007 22:35

OMG! This so could have been a thread that I started. Felt/Feel exactly the same.
DH is booked in for vasctomy Monday and there have been lots of tears from both parties about my feelings about it all being so final.
I'm sure we are heading in the right direction though.

maisym · 02/03/2007 22:36

I was waiting in the hospital and an old lady next to me was watching me with my ds. She said that when she sees a baby she alsways wishes she could have a little one but shes too old - now she thinks about her grandchildren & hopes she'll have another one.

wanderingstar · 02/03/2007 22:48

Would having 1 more mean more to you than would not having another mean to your dh ?
Someone has to compromise and you need to find a mutually agreed way of evaluating the whole picture, including the strength of your respective feelings, and the impact on all of you that a new baby would have.

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 22:49

Focus on the freedom that the future holds.
My dd is 8 and life with her is a doddle -- we can go off on holiday at the drop of a hat (well almost), I can go out all night twice a week and she is fine! My house is no longer a tip ( well sort of) and I can finally concentrate on my job again.

My life is not perfect (look at my other thread about leaving a crap relationship) but in terms of parenting I couldn;t be happier.

ValnBen · 02/03/2007 22:51

I have one child (DS 5 in July) ? never intended for him to be an ?only? ? wanted at least two. But circumstances intervened. Started late ? (37) lost fist DS at 33 wks gest. Took 6 months to come round to the idea of another pg, then another 3 achieve said goal (lucky there I know). When DS was 3 we were just about to downsize the house/mortgage to go for #2 when I discovered twonk ?sperm donor? had opened another deposit account so swiftly closed mine .
Went through a lot of turmoil with that decision because at 42 (then) I knew I was effectively cutting off any chance of another child but DS and I are very happy and I?m content with my lot

Sparkler1 · 02/03/2007 22:58

BucketsofDynamite - thank you for starting this thread. You really could be me you know and your DH could be mine.
Reading through this thread has made me realise I am lucky to be me, as I am, where I am right now.
Hope you find what you are looking for.

It's a very difficult moment for you.

Original poster

Bucketsofdynomite · 03/03/2007 12:57

My mum reminded me how I'd promised DH we could both work part time once our youngest started preschool (next yr). Then I convinced him we should double our mortgage to move to dream house in nicer area and his part time dream has been postponed. So I have to concede that maybe another baby is moving the goalposts a bit too far too often.
My DH is wonderful, has been so kind with me about this and the reasons he doesn't want the hassle and repsonsibility of more than 2 kids is part of his laidback nature and that's what I fell in love with in the first place.
I will go back to work p/t time next year and we will all have a great life with less pressure.
I will stop fanstasising about accidents every month and I will stop lurking on antenatal/baby name boards.
I will clearout the kids' old clothes and sell them at the next NCT sale.

OP posts:

bobalinga · 03/03/2007 14:55

I think men are more likely to see kids as 'hasssle' than women. I never saw any of mine as hassle or stopping me doing anything. I know DH was more reluctant and is not letting me have more.
Men also see kids as 'expensive' which they aren't. Dunno where all those figures in the paper come from about it costing thousands of pounds to have a baby as if it was a new car with running costs!

crayon · 03/03/2007 17:21

You also have to consider whether, if you had another one, you would still be broody after him/her. Some women are broody - no matter how many children they have.

It is tough though, when you have to decide 'no more'.

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