competitive mum at school, but children are best friends, help!!!

[kate7]

I have a seven year old who is best friends with a girl she has known since nursery, but I cant get on with mum, she is obessed with money and status, ie how big her house is compared to mine, where we/they are going on holiday etc, and how well the kids are doing in school. When she talks to me all she does is brag, and I just want us to be friends as our daughters are, but she is really brittle and defensive. I have no idea how to deal with this at all, does anyone have any ideas!!

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sounds grim but maybe she is just really unhappy. it's fab that your dd has such a good friend, and maybe quite soon you can just leave them to it and not see much of the mum?

i wd play private boast bingo (mental card listing price of holiday/amount that house has gone up in value/grades of her dd.) when you have ticked off all the items, you have to use 'bingo' in the next sentence you say

I find a well placed "Oh does the size of your house really matter more than a happy family" or "I've never really been that bothered about material things" thrown into the conversation frequently may well change her viewpoint .. also try "OH its so sweet / funny that you care so much about xxxx, its never really crossed my mind" all with sweet smiles

We have a neighbour like this and our ds's are the same age...they are both extremely competitive, material and boastful. Me and my dp have discussed it often as we are modest, live modestly and would rather see more of our ds than earn more, stay in our lovely 3bed house with our 1 child than get a bigger house and bigger mortgage than we need. Our neighbours are thankfully to a bigger house in a better area where they wll have a humongous mortgage and need two cars

I feel quite sorry for people like this tbh, they must be so insecure - just nod along, slip in some of soupers comments and take heart in what choosy said, soon they will be able to socialise without your being there.

Children are also quite perceptive of this I find. I childmind kids with parents like this and they have all commented on it saying they would prefer to see their mums more and go camping like my family do. Think of how well your family is doing without looking at material things and competitiveness. Your dds friend may feel quite pressured by her mum .

Someone from my antenatal class was like this. Within 5 minutes of meeting you she had established where you lived, what your dh does for a living, whether you would be paying for private education etc. I nearly choked on my coffee when she asked someone where they lived and when they replied she asked them which side of the road as she was obviously trying to establish whether it was the left hand side which is full of modest 1930's semis or the other side which is huge million pound detached houses!

Thanks for all these messages, I feel better knowing I'm not the only one in this situation!! I just get so fed up with it all, I have got to the point that I actively avoid bumping into her, but as I need to stay in touch for my dd's sake, it's very hard. My dh says I need to just ignore it, and stop letting it bother me, but it's easier said than done!! Last time I saw her when I collected my dd from hers one night after a tea invite, I heard all about her dd being moved up groups in swimming, moved up in class, how they had a brand new flat screen telly, that they were going to Orlando (again!)this year, and a load of other stuff, all in the space of about fifteen minutes!! I came out of her house feeling exhausted, and I just cannot fathom what the woman is doing!! She must feel very insecure as some of you say, otherwise why would she waste so much energy this way!! I think I do need to throw in a few well chosen comments about how we are not bothered about that kind of thing, surely time, love and attention are what kids need, not getting bought the latest toy all the time and taken on flash holidays!

Kate 7. I think sadly its just a fact of life! I too had a friend with what I could only describe as stalkerish tendancies. We were friends through our children. Not only was she competative, but she also wanted to do lots of things exclusivly with me - shopping expeditions etc
In the end I felt so hemmed in.
I have had to cut her out of my life, which was soo difficult, as she is a kind-ish person.

I always felt crap when I came away. She made me go the other way on all discuussions eg: She was deffinately going to get a coach for her child, for the exams. I ended up saying I dont believe in coaching, (which I dont, then she tried to convince me otherwise) so I said , nobody should really be educated etc just crass things so she would shut up! I ended up not being myself and saying really rediculous things etc....AWFUL

i think a few 'oh god is that the time', thrown in whens shes RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of showing off helps. ie: your bored of that conversation,...

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love the bingo idea - also just stop her mid sentence with a must be off now.

sounds like she's very insecure.

It winds me up. Sadly I have a friend and her children are like this.

Her 8 year old said "I can't believe we are going to Florida again". My dd said "we are going to see my auntie in Spain soon". Other girl said "well Florida is sooo much better than Spain". My dd said "but my auntie lives in Spain, so I wouldn't want to go to Florida"!

Kids make more sense sometimes.

There's lots of this kind of thing about.

DH and I phased out a couple as friends recently because they were really annoying with their obsession with how much things cost, how much their flat had grown in value, how their wedding was costing more than £60k etc etc.

We used to giggle at them but it just got more and more boring as that's all they would talk about. Oh, and how important their jobs in the media are. Yawn. I'm sure they think we're avoiding them because we're just jealous of their riches. Ha ha.

Avoid the woman where you can whilst still being polite. Or brutally change the subject to charities or something non-materialistic. Your DD will still be pals with her DD regardless. Take comfort - the mother is desperately insecure and is very very keen to impress you or to feel superior to you. Poor thing in a way but don't saddle yourself!

To boasts about DCs I usually reply 'oh brilliant. You must be very proud of DC'.

To boasts about TVs and the like I say 'I can't believe you spend money on those. It's all bollocks'. Admittedly not everyone can carry this one off.

To boasts about house prices I say 'You know I couldn't give a rats arse about property'.

And to boasts about holidays, I boast 'We can't be buggered with it now they've cancelled Concorde and I absolutely loathe long-haul'.

You know I wouldn't respond to aforementioned 'Mrs Jones' with comments such as "well really, those sort of things don't matter to us"..I actually would just nod and smile and exclaim "how lovely" whilst secretly, furtively, inwardly laughing at how shallow she is and feeling vaguely superior that I am not so insecure / crass / in yer face

some brilliant ideas here! I also love the bingo idea, we usually play it at work in meetings; bullshit bingo, based on the jargon and cliche ridden crap managers come out with! Regarding the other suggestions about various responses to make, isn't it always the case that you walk away having missed your chance and could kick yourself afterwards for forgetting your killer line when the time was right!!!

I do think, however much I am tempted by the ideas NorksBride has suggested, especially the one concerning the mention of bollocks, I am more likely to do as handlemecarefully suggests and try to ignore it as I already do, I just need to work on the inwardly laughing bit, as I haven't quite got that sorted yet, I tend to walk away all wound up!!! Anyway, I must admit venting my frustration on here has been fab therapy,and thanks for all the great ideas!!

I have a friend who has moments like this, she remains a friend because she has a good heart and when she is concentrating on things outside her own life is very supportive and lovely, but sadly she is quite self obsessed. However this also makes her very thick skinned, so I can get away with standing up suddenly when she is droning on yet again about the latest whatever and exclaim "ooh look, is that paint or bird shit on the window??".

also in my very limited experience people who bang on about their child's achievements and their own material possessions are clinging onto these things like liferafts in order to keep their mind off something underneath it all that is terribly wrong. An ex-colleague used to whiffle on for hours about how good her toddler's speech was (ok, it was) and how good he was at x,y and z. She failed to mention until he was nearly 2 that he didn't take his first steps until nearly 20 mths and it was worrying her to death. Totally unnecessarily of course, all toddlers develop at different rates, but she was overcompensating.

Casually menton to her that there is this woman/couple/family member who is always going on and on about how much things costs etc etc.

Tell her that you can't get over how little class this person has