Am worrying about coping with two, help!

[oliveoil]

Had a horrendous weekend with dd being very ill and having to go to A&E and have had hardly any sleep since Sunday. REALLY feeling my pregnancy and my blood pressure has gone up so have to finish work early. Everything seems to be getting on top of me at the moment (prob hormonal) but I am really starting to worry about how on EARTH I am going to cope in August when number 2 arrives.

Have brilliant dh and mil is round the corner so I do have support but I am really starting to panic.

Bit late I know at 32 weeks.

How on earth do you juggle things?

Oh OO, sorry you're not feeling great at the moment . Hope dd is OK now.
A child being ill is always a stressful time, so no wonder your bp has gone up. I'm sure that when she is well, and things get back to normal then it will start to look better.
Use your dh and MIL as much as possible before and after the birth, you sound like you need some time out at the moment - does your dd stay with MIL at all?

You just do! I live miles from family so I can't rely on help. Luckily we have a good friend who I ask to help out occasionally - like when I went into labour!! The only thing I worry about is when I am ill!! The house grinds to a standstill as daddy tries to manage!! I am sure that you have feelings like this because you are tired and hormonally challenged (!) at present. As soon as No2 is here and you can get on with it all rather than thinking about it, you may feel a lot better. Hope DD is better and has got through it?

Sorry to hear you're feeling so badd OO but as Zubb says I'm sure it will all seem better in a few days when you're less tired.

How old is your dd? I had two two years apart and I was breastfeeding both for 9 months!! The older one woke up as much is not more than the baby and I split with my p (who was no use anyway) when dd2 was 3 months and I managed fine!
Once I started getting sleep again I realised how bad I was feeling most of the time but I really didn't notice that much at the time!

It is a lot harder having two rather than one but you'll cope - well as you say you'll have to really eh?! Use your support and rest when you can. Get out of the house with them both when it gets too much!

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Thanks all, I know that I will have to cope but it doesn't stop me panicking. The lack of sleep floored me last time but at least then I could nap when dd did, this time I will be juggling 2.

dd will be 22 months when no.2 arrives. She had suspected meningitis (we suspected) over the weekend but the rash went while we were in hospital and the doc said she would be fine but to keep an eye on her temp, not sure what was wrong with her, probably a bug, was being sick and v pale .

My friend had a baby 8 weeks ago and said she has spent most of the time in tears.

know what you mean OO, (by the way, DS loved Barney so much) we are expecting no 2 in 2 weeks and i'm shitting myself!
i reckon it's a bit like birth at least the second time you know you're gonna cope and come through it, you will prob be very but what joy this time knowing that you get a fab little person at the end of it all! also at least with no 2 you know you have already proved you can cope with being a mummy, take all help offered and don't forget to snatch a bit of time for yourself.x

Olive Oil it's not surprisign you're feeling stressed. Late pg is a hard time even if everything else is problem free. (I think we all forget how hard it is to be 30+wks pg). But your second child will bring you such joy I am sure. Mine have been the delight of my life; love and affection just seem to multiply. Watching and helping them develop and grow is so rewarding and twice as much fun with 2 (or 3 times with 3!!) Yes, you'll be busy, but I promise you when you can put this baby down you'll feel so muc better. That was the thought I carried with me as a toiled up the stairs with a huge bump!

I agree with twiglett, before ds2 was born I thought it would be really difficult to cope, but its been a lot easier than I thought. I have a 22 month gap too OO, and ds2 has fitted in really well around ds1. Does dd still have a lunchtime nap? I put mine both down for a sleep after lunch and so get an hour at least on my own.
Another thing that saved my sanity was that I kept ds1 going to his childminder for 3 days a week (apart from for the first week after ds2 was born), and that gave me time with ds2 and time to sleep.

oliveoil

I was about to post the same thing the other day....dd had chickenpox and we were stuck in the house for a week, then dh had a weekend away so I had her on my own for 7 long days!! (I usually work 3 days a week)

I was constantly on a short temper, and ended up shouting at her too much and on one occasion I even smacked her . I felt really bad, towards her and this unborn baby who had to listen to my shouting......

I thought, he/she will never want to come out to me such a terrible mother, and I'll end up being induced!!!

I also worry if I don't ahve enough patience with one, how on earth am I going to cope with 2???

I don't have family in the UK and dh is only around at weekends, but I can't complain as he wanted to wait longer while I insisted on a second baby.......so he doesn't even know about the smacking incident...

sorry, no answers, just..I KNOW what you feel, I just hope I'll manage...somehow

Oliveoil - just wanted to say I have 22 months between my two as well, and the first year was nothing like as hard as I anticipated. It does get pretty hairy when you or the kids are ill, but generally I found it easier than I expected. Hope the same goes for you too. (Mine are 5 and 6 now, and it's a great age gap to have: Hope you enjoy it as much as we do!)

Try just to focus on getting through one day at a time, don't worry about what will happen next week or next month or next year.

Think I am in a hormonal fog at the mo, feel a bit better after my lunch. I am usually a positive person so have not really felt like this in this pregnancy but this weekend really brought it home to me how TIRED I will be . My mil says she will take dd to give me time with the new baby, but I thought this might make dd feel excluded?

Madgirl - glad the Barney tix went down well, dd has just got into him and shouts at the tv when he is on. Means I have to listen to that bloody song 'i love you, you love me' etc

Webmum - , I know, I shouted at dd to SHUT UP CRYING at the weekend and felt dreadful after, she is ill ffs. We all do things that make us feel bad when tired etc. I should shut up moaning really, I do have support on tap.

Oliveoil dont worry sweetie things will be fine! I had 22 months between my 2 and it had only started to become aparrent that my dd had special needs when I was pregnant with ds. I felt so guilty about things and felt I wouldnt cope. I did. It is a bit of a culture shock at first though but once you get organised (ha! me organised!) it does get easier. You will be fine

Oliveoil I don't make any excuses for myself, it's not tiredness, I don't know, I just had a very abd evening with dd, I was at wotk all day (not a stressful job at all), we got back from nursery, she was in a good mood, ate well (surprise surprise), she had had a good nap at nursery, so I was not expecting problems. We're also about to go on holiday so I was pretty much in a good mood too.

Then she found a hair clip of mine and started scratchjing the wall with it, so I took it away and said she could not play with that. She started moaning and whining and went upstairs, I followed to check she was not making any damage and found her punching a box where a large mirror is sitting emporarily. I told her to stop that it was dangerous so i removed her and that was tehf inal straw...she went mad, she was histerical, furious, wild with rage, she kept trying to go into the room and I shut the door.

I then started the threats CALM DOWN OR YOU GO TO BED, as she wasn't calming down I started undressing her (this is usually enough to calm her) but she kept kicking me, and sayong she wanted to go to the spare room, I finally made out (in between screams and sighs) that she was not saying that she would not touch the mirror, so I just opened my moputh to say something like 'ok then if you promise' when she started hitting me in the face, so I started getting her ready for bed again, but she was more and more upset, she got up from her bed and ran downstairs, here she wanted to shut herself up in the lounge, but I did not want her to be alone in there, so I said no way, and she hit my bump (poor baby, what a madhouse expects you .

I then tried holding her tight to see if she'd calm down, but it was just getting worse...she then started going upstairs again to fetch her jeans, and I kept saying (actually shouting), only when you've clamed down.

All of a sudden she stopped midstairs shouting I'M CALM!!!I'M CALM!!!
SO I said come to mummy then and she did and that was the end of it.....but it left traumatised....she does hae tantrums like this occassionally and they always wear me down, leaving me wonedring what on earth did I do wrong???

Afterwards I cried for ages and she was telling me Mummy don't cry, which just made me cry even more....I suppose the neighbours must be on the phone to the police now...I certainly can't complain about their children's loud music after all the shouting I did in the past week.

I don't have any excuses for myself, been at work for the pasrt 3 days, so I've seen very little of dd, (I enjoy my working days), she was v. good last night but I did lose my temper again this morning...

I just think I'm not a very good mother, I'm amking exactly the same mistakes I've always noticed ina friend of mine...Ironic

I don't know why I'm writing this..I'm not expecting solutions or anything, but I can't really talk about with anyone I just feel too bad about it...
This is not the relationship I wanted with my daughter

This is not the kind of mother I wanted to be, nor the mother my mum has been for me.....

sorry about this long thread

Hi, I have a DD who is 2.5 and a DS who is 8 weeks today. When I was pg with DD I was all happy and euphoric, but with DS I was miserable and short tempered. I snapped at everyone and cried a lot. I didn't know how I would cope with two, and now wonder if the hormones with having a boy effect you differently.
My DD was shouted at, smacked and ignored a lot. She played me up and we did not get on at all. I worried that DS could hear the fighting too.
As soon as he was born I became all chilled and relaxed about everything!
I have no family nearby to help but after the hell of the first two weeks life has become much easier.
I think that the pregnancy with a toddler was the hardest. I hope that it all becomes easier for you too.

Hugs Webmum - you know I bet you are a great mother and the times like that well they show you are a great mother. Bad mothers would allow their child to get themselves into circumsatances (like the mirror) where they can really hurt themselves. Your dd will not remember you shouting at her, like you don't remember your mother shouting at you when you where her age. Its your job to get cross and shout (sometimes) when she doing things that put her in danger or you don't like - as long as you are consistent and you tell her why you don't like those things.
My dd turned in to devil child yesterday because I didn't make the train track right!

webmum don't feel bad. You're just hormonal that's all.
both you and olive oil will cope (like someone said before) you just do. I have 21 mths between my 2 (now 3.5 and 21 mths) and live on the other side of the world from all our family (both sides) The first couple of months will be a bit of a fog, you will be tired, but I found it was a lot easier than with dd1 because you have a routine (to whatever extent) because child 1 needs to eat, sleep, bath, etc so I found that dd2 just sort of fitted into the routine ariound all of that. I had a crisis at about the same point in my pg but found that reality was nowhere near as bad as my imagination had made it out to be. Keep your chins up.You'll be fine!

thanks cazzybabs,

I know she doesn't remember..well up to a point yesterday she told dh that I ahd cried after smackinh her last week.... The fact that he rarely loses his temper makes me feel even worse, even though he's almost never here so its easier for him.

But I know she won't remember long term and she doesn't like me crying and she understands it was her (she said teddybear made you cry earlier, obviously meaning herself), but it doesn't really make me feel any better....I thgought we had seen the worse of the tantrum stage, that I'd learnt how to deal with her (and mine) temper and whenever something like this happens I just feel terrible..

It's been more or less like this since she was 18 months....she's now 3

Thanks for your kind words

xoz

I really hope it's just hormones. I SOO wanted not to change anything for dd just because I'm pregnant... try to be the same as usual, (incl carrying her up and down teh stairs unless I'm really knackered) and I thought this had nothing to do with hormones, but I may be wrong.....

I was getting really depressed with the pill abck in november (that was my excuse at the time) and it took a while to feel the differnce and then I was pregnant!! SO can't really say what I would be like in normal circumstances......

I just wnat to stop shouting at her, I try hard but everytime I fall into it, and I look at myself as if it was someone else and wonder why am I doing this?

sorry oliveoil

I'm highjacking your thread but I'm having a very bad time, I hope our holiday will be a good time to spend as a family together

Don't worry - it's not that bad. I was worrying terribly as well, and mumsnetters reassured me that being heavily pregnant with a toddler is much much worse than having a toddler and a new baby. I didn't actualy believe them - but once again they were right.

Reading this with interest. Yes as the others say you will cope, but I dont think it helps you to give a false sense of security. Frankly its not a picnic. There are 21 months between my 23 month old and 10 week old baby. I too was told that being heavily pregnant with a toddler was harder work than having two - well IME that hasn't been the case.

It is workable having 2 small children close in age (it kind of has to be), and its not unmitigating misery, but its undeniably hard work. Be prepared for massive guilt feelings when the baby first arrives and you can no longer give undivided attention to your first born. I spent the first two weeks weeping over how I had betrayed my dd by having her baby brother - and she was bewildered and unsettled by the young usurper! However ds is only 10 weeks old now and already dd has adjusted to him and the fact that there are other demands upon mums time. In fact she demonstrates genuine affection to ds.

The worst times are from 17.00 - 20.00 when ds is in a needy phase and unputdownable, which coincides with dd needing her dinner, a bath and bed time routine. But we muddle through.

Most life changing thing for me is that I won't go anywhere with ds and dd alone and without another adult (i.e. my dh) except toddler groups and people's houses, where 23 month old dd can be held 'captive'. I can't just take dd off to the zoo on my own anymore because invariable ds will need a feed whilst I am there, and 23 month old dd cannot be relied upon to calmly sit there for half an hour whilst I feed him. She would run off and I can't be chasing her at full pelt with ds hanging off my breast!

Also whilst dd does love her baby brother, she lacks judgement - just narrowly stopped her from spraying furniture polish on him today (my fault for leaving it around) and the other week she was rubbing sand into his eyes!

yes HMC is absolutely right about everything....
I remember going through all the same sorts of things with my 2, esp the guilt feelings. The good thing is that it really is quite a short time that it's like that (at least that's how it seems to me now)... I admit that there were sometimes it can seem like a nightmare. One day I even got our video camera out in that horrible hour between 5 and 6pm because I wanted to show dh just what it was like for me to be cooking dinner and having 2 children screaming at me at the same time! He was much more understanding after that! I'm sorry if I sounded at bit glib or blase about it. I guess I was just trying to give some encouragment that it does get better eventually and that IME reality was better than i had imagined, but obviously everyone's experience is different! Best of luck to you all....

HMC you could be me!
the guilt!!! I spent the first 2 weeks sobbing that I had ruined ds1's life - I look back now - all of 3 months later and can't believe I got in such a state about it - he loves ds2 to bits and life is great now but it's as well to know that this guilt might hit you. I spent the first 2 months running round trying to keep life normal for ds1, so totally killing myself to go to the park, swimming etc - if I could offer any advice, hard as it might be, try and get someone else to do some of those things with your dd
and now ds2 is 4 months old and totally adorable and ds1 is a lovely little baby too and loves his little brother and everything is wonderful
once you've got into a routine it will be fine - but if you can get everyone you know to help out the first few weeks
today I put ds2 down for his nap then locked ds1 in the bedroom with me and told him mummy was going to have a nap and he could either play or have a sleep too - role reversal really
it will all be fine and lovely soon

hmc, like morocco I read this and thought you could have been me. There are 20 months between my dd & ds. Ds will be 10 months old this week and things have got so much better! dd is lovely with him and entertains him, ds is now very competent with finger food so I get to bung them a breadstick or whatever whilst I get on with preparing their meals, ds only needs feeding a couple of times a day now etc. I don't feel the guilt like I used to, that could be because I can no longer remember only having one now! Occasionally, I see friends with one and wonder about my dd but I think she's gained as much as she's lost since she doesn't get as much attention from me but is fully involved in caring for her brother.

We also realised after a few months that dd no longer remembered life before her brother, which made me feel better as I stopped worrying about losing undivided time with her as much.

This week I actually took them both out by myself for the first time and it was great and has also done my confidence the world of good.

I hope you experience somehting similar and that the only way is up (the busiest few weeks are over and you've survived!)