Can someone explain self settling to me please?

[Annarose2014]

DD is 18 weeks and has woken every two hours for the past two months. This past week she's been waking every hour. I am a zombie.

But I think I should be trying to teach her to self settle. I never taught it with my first and he was a shit sleeper for 18 months. I want to foster better habits this time.

But I am so tired I don't know what I'm doing, so can someone walk me through it?

Atm every time she wakes at night I feed to sleep and she's back asleep within 5 mins. But I don't think she's all that hungry tbh since she's just fed an hour before. And during the day she goes 2.5 hrs between feeds.

Sometimes in a fit of determination I try to settle her back down with the dummy but she just thrashes around and eventually I give in and give her the boob and she's out like a light.

So I honestly don't know how else to do it? Can someone talk me through the process during a full night?

2014 DS1 'comfort ate' breastmilk for 32 months at night. He is now on the 25th centile for weight, 75th for height and lives on fresh air. There is no such thing as comfort eating in babies, it does not exist.

I really wanted to enjoy it this time round.

OP this really is normal baby sleep. DS1 woke every couple of hours for over a year and I just fed him back to sleep. I eventually night weaned him using Dr Jay Gordon's method but not until he was well over 2.

I know some babies seem to sleep through but neither of mine do/did.

Can you just accept it? Maybe I'm just weird but I've just accepted the sleeplessness and just drag myself through everyday. Seeing him so gorgeous and happy and thriving makes me feel my matchsticked eyelids are worthwhile.

So sorry. It's v hard. My youngest two were terrible sleepers.

"Self settling" can mean just "letting them cry themselves to sleep". I did do that with my older ones -- put them down, check ok, and walk away for 10 mins... it does "work" fairly quickly but it's pretty brutal. That's why I didn't do that with my younger two. But I got a lot more sleep with the eldest...

Have you read "The No Cry Sleep Solution"? It's got lots of ideas to try.

Are you getting naps in the day?

I just started putting mine down awake. Feed, song, cuddle and into cot. Yes she cried initially but I kept at the routine with a story and now most nights she just goes to sleep no tears. I also try not to ever feed her to sleep. When I feed her in night I try and put down awake. She doesn't sleep through, but I dont have the hours of rocking, putting down, starting again that I used too.

Some people seem to get on ok with feeding to sleep and eventually they sleep longer, but I'm trying to avoid the peoblems I had wirh my first

I was really good at accepting it for so long. I had done it before, I knew the score. But now its like the adrenaline has worn off and I'm finding it hard to accept the next few months to come.

She is napping brilliantly. About 3.5 hrs during daytime. Honestly she is never ever overtired as I'm militant about naps.

It's just that her nighttime sleep seems to not be any deeper than a nap!

OP does she sleep for longer periods during the day and then shorter periods at night? Maybe try gently keeping her awake for slightly longer periods in the day and see if her sleep at night gets longer?

Self settling to me means you put them in bed awake and they go to sleep by themselves. We started this very early with DS. He had quite bad wind and spitting up, so even at night I had to wind him after a feed which woke him back up and then put him down awake. Then when they wake up from one sleep cycle to another they know how to get back to sleep and can do it by themselves (in theory). I also never rushed to get DS when he cried and often he would go back to sleep after a few minutes. It feels like forever, but it worked out for us. I don't think it's too early in theory, it just depends on your baby

I think you're right to be trying to break this now and right that self settling is the key. She's too young for sleep trying but is feeding for comfort not need for the most part. I would try to wake her up a little from her bedtime feed before putting her down. She should still be drowsy from all the milk but will have to settle herself (you can rock her initially if it helps but then try to get her to go to sleep alone in the cot). Once you manage that I'd resolve not to feed her again before midnight. Settle her with rocking or Patting instead. Might take some perseverance but worthwhile.

There are some small things I seem to be doing automatically anyway, from researching today. For example I always unlatch when the sucking slows right down. I didn't realise it was a No Cry Sleep Solution thing!

I am also doing a lot of Shh Pat already. And have been trying to put down initially not quite zonked out.

Problem is none of it is making any difference to her waking every hour!

I am going to try not feeding more than every two hours tonight though. Have a cuddle instead. I may not succeed though!

I remember this stage too. I breastfed and baby was in side cot. I ended up abandoning the concept of day and night! I'd often get up after baby getting back to sleep at 4am and have a rare cup of hot tea - it was my treat to myself. He had mammoth day naps too so I would go to bed. I can't remember exactly when things improved but they did.

For me it was another example of completely adjusting expectations - I lived day to day and didn't think too much about tomorrow/this week etc. I did have pnd though. Am enjoying toddler stage so much more. X

Annarose, one thing that helps me (with mixed success) was expressing in the morning (when I have more milk) and give DS a few ounces of expressed BM as well as offering the boob (in whichever order you prefer). This fills him up to the max and sometimes gives us a longer stretch. I feel for you, we have had similar. Now at nearly 6 months it's a bit better!

There is a book 12 weeks to 12 hours. It will take you an hour to read but basically says to leave them for 5 minutes to try to get off to sleep. After the 5 minutes you can comfort them or leave them for another 5.

I followed this after a recommendation from a friend. The simplicity of the approach really appealed to me. It teaches self soothing by just giving them the chance to try to get back to sleep. It's really easy to rush in and comfort them as soon as they make a noise. In French children don't throw food they mention this pause when you give the baby a moment to sort themselves out. (But that is a longer read).

Last night my 13 month old woke three times no settled herself every time. (I appreciate she is much older than yours and that's not meant to be a float!). She woke me each time because she cried out of they makes you feel any better!
Kx

With both of mine I just used to follow their signals, ensure they were fed, clean and had had some play time and would put them down drowsy but awake - before they began getting cranky and had yawned maybe a couple of times. If I timed it right, they learned easily to drift off to sleep without crying. If I timed it slightly wrongly they'd fuss/ complain a little and needed to be shushed a little and their heads stroked until they closed their eyes. If I got it totally wrong and they became massively overtired I'd just give in and cuddle, rock, cosleep or whatever it took to get them (and me!) to sleep. As they got a little older i'd either help them find their fingers for sucking or give them a cuddly toy. Ds sucked the labels to get them to sleep and dd has just begun to suck her thumb. If they're having trouble sleeping, this is their preferred method to calm themselves.

Sleep training and self settling doesn't need to be cry it out - you can do it very gently. I started with mine around 8 weeks, beginning with a bedtime routine. But it was a gentle nudge in the right direction rather than rigidly sticking to the 'rules' - I was prepared for glitches that would mean abandoning 'routine'. I was entirely led by them. But perhaps I've just been blessed with two very easy babies!

Oh and it's also easier to start with daytime naps so they get the idea when you have a little more energy rather than night time when they and you are knackered. Teach them during the day and eventually night time should begin working out better.

I went through this with my DD and was absolutely exhausted. In the end my DH used to get up on some of the wake ups and walk around with her until she fell back to sleep, didn't always work, but gave me a little bit of a break. Does sound like you are in the four month sleep regression. We tried introducing formula and it didn't resolve it for us, but that doesn't mean it won't work for you. It did get better and when she got to 6 or 7 months we started doing the pick up put down method of sleep training. It was hard going but she now self settles to bed, just potters around her cot, or chatters away to herself then goes to sleep.

I also co slept for two months and poor DH slept on the couch, Sorry, not much in the way of advice, more of a sympathetic hug.

Well I put her down wide awake the past few nights after big feed and with cuddling lying flat she drifted off within 10/15 mins.

And Shh Pat & cuddling & dummy is working well on the 8.30pm & 9.30pm wake ups. And I make sure she spits the dummy out before fully asleep.

That bit has improved as doesn't require boob at those to knock off.

But later on in the night is a struggle. Last night I trialled bottles. She absolutely drained 5oz at the 10.30pm wake up which gave me hope.

But then refused solidly for the rest of the night. Just had no interest. So I tried cuddling/rocking/dummy to sleep but after half an hour gave in and gave the boob. That happened between 1-2 and 3-4.

Then all up for the day, baby and toddler at 6.30.

So mixed success.

Am hopeful I can evolve good habits long term. But pretty depressed about the refusal of bottles at night as I need to have the option of stopping. And soon. I'm so done with it tbh. I don't know why she drank one but not the others!

That wasn't clear: she conked out after the 10.30 bottle, but at the later wake ups was wide awake and nothing I offered or did would put her back to sleep but boob.

Think of it as small steps...sounds like good progress. Similar story here

Sounds like some progress

It could be that she wasn't hungry at the other wake ups, and that's why she wouldn't take the bottle. My 6 week babies don't take another after the 10pm feed until 3.30ish.

Keep going, you'll get there.

Just a wee update on case this is helpful to someone in the future:

Am persisting with Shhh Pat and it really is working. Baby will go from awake to asleep flat on its back in about 10 minutes quite calmly. That's at nighttime. (Day time naps we'll tackle in a while, no panic)

I decided to stop breastfeeding over the weekend. I had the brainwave to size up the tests to a Size 3 and it was a huge improvement.

Last night she had a 7oz feed at 6.30pm, self settled with my help at 7.30pm, woke at 8.30pm but self settled with my help quickly, then slept till 12!!!

Took 3.5oz at 12 and slept till 2.30. Took a further 3.5oz and.......slept till 7am!!!!

So only two wake ups!

I feel amazing this morning. I know there will be various regressions to come but still, it gives me a lot of hope that I can start to feel human again.

Can you gird yourself for a bad night and aim to only feed every 3 hours....if at moments it's hourly? A 4 month old baby will quickly get used to it and wake less. I've been there it's grim...you need sleep too. Pat/ sing /shh when he Wakes but don't pick up unless u are feeding.

I did it ..minimal crying...baby fell asleep a couple of times without a feed. I never left his side ....but didn't pick him up. He yhen slept 6 hours ! Having been waking hourly.

It's fine if people want to feed hourly for a year but the OP doest want to and babies don't need it ...please don't make her think she has to just accept it. Night waking is normal through toddler hood of course but hourly milk feeds don't have to happen. A baby can be loved fed and cuddled without such frequent feeding.

Mother's are apposed to support each other not make those who want more sleep feel bad because they can't do hourly feeds for months on end.