Feel like I've lost daughter age almost 12 years

[Brighteyes27]

DD Year 7/almost 12 had an awful last year at primary school with friendships. Anyway in the last couple of weeks at primary and over the summer hols she got friendly with two twins from primary from another class who lived round the corner. They seem lovely girls and seem to have embraced DD and another girl has also joined the group and they all get on well and walk to and from school and spend a lot of time together out of school which is great lovely seeing DD so happy. The problem now is she won't come home. She calls round to the other girls houses on the way home from school (they live slightly nearer than us &
More often than not their parents aren't in). I phone her to ask where she is, invite them round to ours but when it gets past 6.30pm and she hasn't come home (every night) hasn't had tea, hasn't got changed etc. They rarely spend time at our house and I miss my little girl. WWYD I don't want to ruin my DD's life as she claims by wanting her home but I love her, it's pitch black and I would really like my DD home from school before 6pm some nights. What would you do? Goodness knows how she is getting on with her school work she is not academic but is PE to she is doing the bare minimum. I have explained how I feel and she just gets shouty and stroppy.

I'm sorry but she's running rings round you and I think that if this is how she's behaving at 11 you need to reign it in otherwise heaven knows what control you will have when she's 15. If you're happy for her to see her friends after school you need to give her a time to be home and if she doesn't come back when she's asked then you tell her that she faces the consequences I.e she doesn't get to go out because she's not responsible.

She doesn't get to choose when she eats, she eats with you at the time you want her to eat. Set the days you are happy for friends to come and the days you aren't and stick to them.

If she argues with you then she doesn't go out. I'm fairly shocked you allow this. I wouldn't let my 14 year old go out after school in the week apart from on a Friday or to activities. You need to set and follow through clearer boundaries or she's going to be uncontrollable

DD is 12 in two weeks but wants her independence and freedom over night.

Does this mean she doesn't want to come home at all or just wants to stay for the occasional sleepover? Out of interest, what time is she getting to sleep each night?

I agree with Stilitzvert you have to start controlling her or else you will have an out of control teenager on your hands. It seems as if the other friends are left to their own devices, as their parents work late/are busy.
Don't worry about her saying you are ruining her life, you're her mum - it's your job

I find with this age group it helps to be brisk and firm and cheerful. You set whatever curfew/rules you find reasonable considering her safety, her schoolwork, the convenience of the rest of the family and stick to them. But don't make it too emotional; don't talk about feeling you have lost her. She needs to break away from you and there is nothing wrong with that- as long as she also respects rules and remembers her manners. Don't muddy those two issues.

Just stand firm and "well this is the offer take it or leave it"

And I'd be adding the extra that if she abuses the rules term time then she will have to stick to them in holiday time too rather than being allowed a later curfew.

Thanks all her friends live literally too mins away they aren't roaming the streets or doing anything I would disapprove of. I think initially we were so glad to see her happy we were too lenient. Because one their mums is often late home it's very relaxed at there house. The other girl who doesn't live there stays there till 8.30 most days Mon - Thurs and every other weekend she's at her dads 40 miles away. I let my DD stay there till 7 or 8 on a weeekend night and go round for her (as it's so dark) but whatever time it is she comes when I call round but moans loudly about it. I also feel for the other family when they have two other kids there most nights a week.
Will decide with DH on ground rules tonight.

OP, you need to stamp down on this. She doesn't get to beg for more time over the phone - make it clear if she does that, she loses the next night immediately.

I work FT. If I came home every night to someone else's kid in my living room I would not be impressed. 2 nights after school with friends is plenty. Set return time, alone, no friends appearing with her. If anyone lse tries to come in with her, turn them away at the door "not tonight Edith, this is DD's family time now" and shut the door.

You are not ruining her friendships, you are setting boundaries. I'd love to see your OP from the POV of the other parents in this.

It strikes me that they all need a good extra-curricular activity...

At that age I would never have been allowed out till 8pm on a school night, if it was just around to a friend's house. I came home at 5.30 and that was that! I went to Guides 6pm - 8 pm once a week. If there were after-school rehearsals they went on till 4.30 and then I came home.

Good luck with it all .

You really need to eat together even if you are eating different things.

If the girls turn up at 6pm with her you say 'thankyou for walking DD back. It's family time now and so you can't stay this time. Come round x night though for pizza though'

Have you got a shared hobby or something you enjoy doing together?

I agree with previous posters, not only would I not have my 11 year old out at night until 8.30 unless at an activity I would be very unhappy to have a house full of children mid week. Your DD is in her second term of senior school, you can't assume her homework is done, you need to have a clear handle on what is being set, ensuring that it's done and checking that it's done properly, you cannot leave this to her. By 8.30 I would expect my year 7 to be bathed and pyjama'ed and winding down for the evening before going up to bed by 9 at the latest. You're really not helping her by letting her do what she wants

I can see why she enjoys doing it but she is completely out of your sight every weekday evening, it's just not age appropriate.

you need to be firm and have faith - you are the adult and even if she doesn't like it or feels pissed off then that is not going to stop you setting firm ground rules.

It sounds as though you don't want her to be angry or upset - I look back at when I was a teenager and honestly my parents were too lenient. My friends who had to be back earlier/ whose parents were stricter did get into less trouble than me.

It's so important that you set the rules not her peers. The friendship will survive if she spends two evenings a week with them instead of 4 or 5.

She does activities guides, football and GFS. I have said to the other mum I'm sorry she's here so and and so long they are always welcome at ours. She just says oh it's fine elder daughters friend here anyway and we don't mind we're used to having a house full etc.

What hobbies do you share with your DD?

I think it's normal for them to want to spend time with their friends at this age. I know I did and DS1,13 would much rather do things with his friends than with us.
He has a moan about anything and everything but I try to ignore him. He does have a curfew, later in the summer and during the holidays. He moans and asks for more sometimes but I just tell him I will come and get him if he's not back and the embarrassment of that normally works
I do miss doing things with him but we try to do activities, days out, weekends away to spend more quality time together.
Set the rules, try to get a balance you're both happy with and stick to it would be my advice

I think that you need to establish a firm 'what works for the holidays doesn't fly in term-time' boundary.

You seem quite influenced by what the other family is happy to happen - as if you are waiting for them to set the rules. What works for the other family is fine for them - but what are they to you? They might move away and you might not know them in five years time - but you will be stuck with the family routines and the habits your daughter is developing now.
The homework routine she is developing (do it all on a Sunday) might be manageable now in Year 7, but she will struggle once coursework and exam revision gets going.

Thanks we kind of fell into this as it was nice to see her happy and DH encouraged me to back off and let her have more but it's just for more and more out of control.

I think at this age, very clear cut rules is the way to go: it reassures them and gives them something to push against. Nothing wrong with giving a bit of freedom, but works better if it's been thought through beforehand and everybody knows the parameters.

Just from your DD's perspective, it seems a bit harsh that you are forcing her to come home for a set supper time that you then expect her to sit and eat alone anyway.

I really understand OP's position.

Dd, too, has acquired a new group of friends this year (year 9) and wants to be with them 24/7. These girls all have working mothers, unlike me, who is very inconveniently lurking about the house at 3.30pm!

I think some posters do have to think back to when they were that age. Suggestions of mutual hobbies... just no. I think I would have died if my mum had suggested going off to Scottish country dancing etc when I was a tween/teenager. Watching stuff on tv together, days out, family meals - all fine, but your dc is your child, not your mate to go and do hobbies with.

It is difficult when you want your child to be happy, but at the same time feel slightly weak and that you're giving in more than you want to.

In OP's case I would say ok to a couple of nights a week, but definitely home by 6pm.

You can easily be in control of this situation op if you wanted to, you need to set some ground rules.

Yes we've agreed on 6pm at the latest 3 nights a week in the winter. But on a Wednesday she comes home at 4pm.

Agree Rhoda bull we watch films together, eat together (although she doesn't eat the same as the rest of us, long dog walks, occasionally do something crafty in the house together, holidays, days out etc). But today's teens/tweens don't go in for shared hobbies any more than I would have x many years ago.

Well number 1) - I'm so glad your DD has good friends. I'm sure that matters to her and, of course, to you.
Now you need to establish your house rules as the parent. What you expect.
In my house (older teens now) you needed to keep in touch by text, second, generally you have to be home for dinner at 6.30 (though the meal might be delivered later).
Occasionally, of course, a friend is welcome for dinner or your kid can go elsewhere - but the general rule is home by 6.30 and family time for dinner.
The simplest is having the expectations of the house established. You really need to set ground rules - your DD is young and if you're not on it now, you'll be walked all over at 16.
Its simple really - what do you want for your family? (It isn't for us or your DD to decide. Be the parent, its down to you).