Reported domestic violence now children services are involved help

[Marypoppin25]

Hi guys please need some help and advice from people who have been through this similar situation ,

Iv been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years we dated for 4 then got married we been married year and a half I moved in with his mom m him , after marriage we started having problems due to his mother interfering in everything and always criticising me , me n partner would always argue over his family he ended up hitting me a few times , I have always defended my self so I woudnt say I am scared of him , anways I ended up being pregnant and he also hit me once then I called police they gave a warning to him, things were fine but after I gave birth his mom got worse and my partner hit me again so I called police n left the house n came to. Y parents house my baby is 5 weeks old now , children services got involved they came and done a check down my parents I told them everything and they said we're happy aslong as baby n you stay down your parents house , my partner has been contacting us saying he's sorry and he wants me n baby back , my husband is a good man but I think when it comes to his family he can't think straight I have told him I want to move out and not live with his mother but he said no as he said he can't leave his mom alone , I just wanted to know what will children services do if I decide to go back to my husband , will they take my baby away from me , my husband loves children and he loves his baby he would never hurt her , he is in a bad state right now without us even lost his job , the problem is his mother and not him when she isn't around we r totally fine , I want my baby to grow up with a mother n father living together , but I also will put her first no matter what , plz can some 1 share some advice on children services really stresses right now :( my health visitor said if I go back children services will be involved .

He's not a good man. He has assaulted you on more than one occasion. If he hits you while you're holding the baby, and the baby is injured or killed, will you still think he's a good man? If he hits the baby, will you still think he's a good man?

Bottom line, SS has told you exactly what they expect - for you to stay at your parents' house and not to go back to him. If you still choose to go back to your abusive partner, SS will find out and they will likely consider you a safeguarding risk for your child as you took the child back to an abusive relationship. It will not go well.

Op. You cannot really believe what you're writing, please tell me you don't.? He only pushes shoves and slaps you? When did your self esteem become so low that you thought it was ok for a man to do this and that a child could be subjected to it and that he would still be a good man?

And no you aren't provoking it. I piss my husband off royally, he's never once raised a hand and if he did it would be immediately over. With no discussion, never to have a second chance.

Move on you will meet someone else who doesn't slap you around and blame you and his mum.

He is not a goon man and it's not his mother's fault he hit you. Please don't go back to him for your safety and for the saftey of your baby.

Think about your daughter in 20 years time and the advice you would give her in this situation. Would you be telling her to stay with a man who was violent? Do you want her growing up in a home where violence in normal and accepted? Do you want her thinking that being on the receiving end of pushing, shoving and slapping is just a normal way of life in a marriage?

Stay with your parents and file for divorce.

I work in children's services and if they've said that they're not messing around. There's a very real chance if you go back to him they'll take your baby.
Get him to look at anger management etc but he needs to work through that on his own first but you even think about being together

Your baby will probably provoke him at some
point too.

what will children services do if I decide to go back to my husband , will they take my baby away from me

They will go to court and apply for a care order to remove the baby and put her in foster care. They will do this because between you and her father you will be putting her at risk. Your partner is violent and dangerous, it doesn't matter why, whether his mum stresses him, whether you are nasty to him, none of that matters. He responds with violence and he's dangerous. Stop answering his calls and texts. If he wants to do a DV course that's fine but if he's only doing it to get you back it's pointless.

"my husband loves children and he loves his baby he would never hurt her"

yet he hit you when you were pregnant- if you had lost your balance and fallen you could have lost that baby

yet he has hit you again after the child was born and does not accept that he is wrong to hit you, so he is likely to do it again- experiencing her mother being hit will hurt the child; children are damaged by growing up in an atmosphere of domestic violence.

Whether he intends it or not, is totally irrelevant: it's like feeding her poison and then saying "but I love her, I would never do her any harm". The poison will still hurt her.

It's not just abutting safeguarding children against abuse to them in a situation like this, it's also about the damage to a child who lives with parents who abuse a partner.

It's very well known that children suffer if they live in a situation like this so Childrens' Services will be involved.

*about

Children learn about relationships from what they see. By staying with this man, she will see that its ok to treat you like this. That its ok to let a man hit you, that you should stay and put up with it. That you have to walk on egg shells as you may end up on the receiving end.

Think long and hard about the future you are modelling for your child

Does he slap his boss or clients when they put pressure on him? Or the police during a routine traffic stop? Or shop assistants? Or even his harridan mother who is supposedly causing all the arguments?

No.

He just hits you.

Think about this. You are not 'fine' when his mother isn't about. It suits him for you to scapegoat his mother. Or yourself, or anyone else rather than accept the truth. Which is that he hits you because he wants to.

Don't go back - why would you risk losing your beautiful daughter for a brute like this?

Does it matter if he is hitting you because his mother is interfering? Isn't the point that he deals with a stressful by hitting? Which most men don't.

If you get back together, can you promise that nothing more stressful will ever happen to him again? No serious illness, no worries about the baby, no bad behaviour from your dd as she grows older, no money worries, no hiccups in your relationship? Ever?

Witnessing domestic violence can be very damaging to children. My adopted daughter is still affected by her early years despite now being in her late teens.

Please try to stay with your parents until he has done something to address his anger issues and takes ownership of them.

If at some point you trust him enough to go back, please make it a literal 'one strike and you're out'. You and your baby deserve better.

If you insist on staying with someone who is violent towards you then your baby will/should end up in care.

I think you need to think about the times you hear in the news 'man arrested after death of baby'. You are lucky that you have seen the warning signs in time to protect your baby. This sort of man would be easily provoked by a crying baby or 'naughty' child.

A couple of things..

As everyone else has said he is abusive...He can get stressed out by his mum but that doesn't mean he should hit you.

If he truly thought it was his mum how come he doesn't want to move out? oh but you provoke him. So none of it is his fault..

Can I suggest you look at the freedom program. I assume you were scared enough or concerned enough to phone the police.

Dear OP.

Please re-read what you posted. Ask yourself, is it ever okay for someone to hit or slap you?

No. Not ever.

You need to love yourself more so that as soon as anyone even as much as threatens to slap you you say no and leave them for good.

Leave him for good. And teach your baby what love really is - gentle and kind. Away from violence. Good luck OP. Big love from all of us to you. Putting a protective barrier between you and this abusive man.

He is not a good man and loosing his job is no excuse, there is never an excuse to hurt your partner.

My DP lost his job in September. At the time I was also going through family court with my ex and dd was in and out of hospital. Dp never once even raised his voice.
Ss will most likely take your baby if ypu retirn to him. Its a dangerous environment

he says I always provoke him

My adult dd lives with me and can be very, very provoking, but I don't hit her.

Her ex did though when the baby was two months old and they split up. If she had chosen to go back with him I personally would have phoned ss to take the baby away. As it was the baby was really "angry" for two weeks after the incident. Fortunately enough she is a happy contented three-year-old now but I'm sure if she had witnessed ongoing violence I would be complaining about my extremely difficult granddaughter instead.

When parents can't or won't keep their babies safe, social services has to take over.

You're suggesting that you go back into exactly the same situation in which he hits you. For no reason except he wants you to and sweet talks you. And with no reason to suggest he won't behave in exactly the same way again.

If you cannot understand that taking a tiny fragile little baby back into exactly the same environment as before is a massive risk to yourself and your baby, then of course social services will intervene.

I had a visit from ss when I told my GP about H hitting me. Ss were very clear that if I allowed any more abuse to happen they would be looking at taking my baby. They made it clear they'd done that before and wouldn't hesitate to do it again.

I was terrified. And moved heaven and earth to comply with whatever they wanted.

I'm a bit confused about why you aren't similarly terrified tbh?

Do you understand how serious this is?

Or maybe you think taking the risk of having your baby taken away worth it if you can get back together with your partner?

You need to be clear who it is you will put first - your baby, or your man. That's the bottom line.

And it's not about hoping you'll get to give your baby a 'proper' home with two parents together... as in order to do this you would have to risk your baby's safety and wellbeing. Which you cannot do. Under any circumstances.

If your partner wishes to change and wishes to stop being abusive, he has to change, not you. And clearly he doesn't want to change does he? Otherwise he'd be making changes right now. All he's doing is sweet talking you and blaming you. Ugh.

I provoke my husband all the time, if I'm stressed or busy or hormonal. He doesn't hit me.

He annoys me a lot sometimes too. I don't hit him.

It's hard OP but you can't make your life with this man. Yes he will be sad and miss you. Yes you will be lonely and miss him. But you cannot bring your DD up in a house where this goes on.

It will feel like a loss to you now. But imagine the future loss you'll feel if you have a distant or even no relationship with your DD because you put your need to be with this man ahead of her.

Have a look at the "stately homes" thread. It's full of posters who grew up with aggressive fathers just trying to work out why on earth their mothers put them through it.

Good luck xx

There is no way I would put up with this and risk it. Your child could be taken off you if you get back with him - he is not worth the risk.

OP, please, please do not go back to him. I'm a former social worker and we would have serious concerns about a mother returning to an abusive father, particularly as you are blaming your MIL and he blames you (it's not your fault by the way). I can't say what your social worker would do if you went back but on the facts you're putting forward here I'd probably be recommending your daughter be placed in your parents' care and if they weren't able/willing, that she be placed in foster care. It's highly likely he will hit you again. Growing up in an abusive environment will harm your daughter, without a doubt, whether he hits her or not. If you tolerate his abusive behaviour that will also set an example for your daughter, and she will statistically be more likely to end up in an abusive relationship when she's older. Please don't go back to him, no matter how much he blames you or makes you feel guilty. You and your daughter deserve so much more.