AIBU? Worried about in laws babysitting

[Jenniferb21]

Hi

I've been married for 2 years (have been with my husband for 7 years) and always had a good relationship with his family until we had a baby.

I always had concerns because of generally how they are with other family members and their children but tried to ignore my worries. However when DS was 4 months breastfeeding wasn't going well anymore as he had a tooth and kept biting me I was trying to combination feed and was upset when I wasn't gradually stopping BF and wanted to still be his main person that fed him. I was fine however with DH and both sets of grandparents feeding DS as long as I remained the main person who fed him. One Sunday DH's auntie wanted to feed him so I said thank you but i like to feed him myself to bond especially because I'm limiting BF. She cried to my in laws and the next day my FIL came to my house unannounced at 10am and woke me and DS up from our nap after a sleepless night. I felt ambushed and he confronted me about upsetting his sister. I cried but think it was out of shock and anger and he panicked and started saying he's only here to check I'm happy as I seem down and depressed. I just said how dare he come unannounced and pretend he's here for me which isn't the truth. I just said it's my choice who feeds DS and it's not my job to make her happy. Anyway I asked him to leave, DH confronted him privately and he's never apologised or mentioned it again. For DH I am polite however i think it's clear that I keep a distance and make an effort to not hug him like we used to etc.

This told me that FIL is more concerned with his familie's wants than my own.

Some other worries:

• FIL generally doesn't accept other people's opinions
• when DS has dropped dummies on their carpet he'll give them straight back to him
• FIL and MIL have slapped their cousin so little girl who is 3 quite hard and she cried for a long time when babysitting her. FIL said just cz I'm not her dad doesn't mean I won't discipline her.
• FIL always says 'babies cry' when DS cries he doesn't think oh he may want milk or might be tired etc he just leaves him.
• once I came back after an hours appointment DS was crying MIL was upstairs cleaning FIL was ignoring DS crying on the floor
• both of them don't know how to settle DS when he isn't upset. For instance I've told them he'll need a nap they bounce him around or give him toys ignoring me then DS gets really worked up and I have to deal with a sleepless night cz he wasn't allowed to nap properly.

I genuinely feel bad about this as my parents live far away but are fab with DS and I think a child should have a great relationship with all gparents but I'm struggling to let them look after him. The thought worries me completely.

Please give me some advice on what to do and how I can cope with it.

Xxxx

He sounds over bearing and bossy and not a particularly nice person I wouldn't leave a baby with him what is mil like?

Just because they are the grandparents doesn't mean you are under any obligation to let them have your baby unsupervised.

So don't. . .

I wouldn't let my in laws look after my baby if they were like this. They can't meet a baby's basic needs so they aren't suitable at all. Doesn't sound like they'll do what you want them to if you speak to them either.

They'll just have to wait until your DC is older before they are allowed to babysit. However if they were likely to hit DC and think that is perfectly fine, they'd never ever be left alone with them.

You're the boss here.

I wouldn't leave my DC with someone who thinks it is ok to hit children so, no, YANBU. Is there a reason why you have to leave your DS with them? Can't you just visit together?

MIL is a nurse and you would think better with babies. However she has also slapped that 3 year old twice me tells kids to 'shut up' which I hate. DS is a baby so that concerns me more for the future but DH is going to have to tell them under no circumstances are we or anyone physically disciplining DS in any way. MIL is nicer as a person but doesn't understand how to settle and calm DS she always gives him back to me if he cries etc. I say he's tired you need to cradle him and calm him down then put him down to nap but she ignores me. They both don't have a clue in my opinion. DH wants MIL to have DS one day a week when I go back to work in April I didn't mind so much because FIL works but I've realised he might book time off and that worries me a lot.

Now is the time to look for a nursery /childminder and tell them you have already made your childcare arrangements.
I doubt you would enjoy your job stressing about your ds.

The fact they they think of using physical discipline is ok would put me right off they dont need to be babysitting your child and then there is upset aunt you get to choose who feeds your baby not them.

I think you are right to be concerned from what you have said. If you are at all uncomfortable then don't do it. You'll just worry the whole time. My partner and i have a small select group of family members who we allow to watch lo, so i totally get where you're coming from

Get a childminder for him i know it will cost you but you would not settle.

Thanks everyone I think what I've missed out of telling you is my other worry, that DH is incredibly family orientated and will definitely not agree with me about how I feel. He thought I overacted about his aunt and when I bought up that I didn't want to break bread with his dad when they invited us round for dinner 2 days after he came to my house that day he said I needed to get over it. He's so close to his mum he won't accept any form of criticism. So I think I'm worried of the strain it may put on our relationship if I object to MIL looking after DS for one day a week.

The slapping a child would be a deal breaker for me.

Ask your DH if he'd be happy to leave your baby in a nursery where the staff were allowed to hit the children.

Be nice, calm but firm. Then organise paid childcare, fast.

My DH is incredibly family-oriented too, and would love for his parents to look after our children, but he agrees (sadly) that they're just not suitable for various reasons. It took a long time for him to agree, and it took for me to calm down and be less emotional about the situation before he'd admit how he felt.

It can't be easy saying that the parents who brought you up are less than perfect.

The thing is that you're clouding legitimate concerns (the slapping) with daft things (like giving a dummy back that's been on the floor. Children suck stuff that's been on the floor all the time) and turning up unnanounced to "ambush you".

You need to talk to your DH about your concerns so you can make a plan, but you need to set out what the concerns are, not get sidelined by non-issues that distract from your actual point.

I wouldn't leave my child with them under any circumstances. You're the mother, you make the rules. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you're the one in the wrong.

FIL and MIL have slapped their cousin so little girl who is 3 quite hard and she cried for a long time when babysitting her.

However she has also slapped that 3 year old twice me tells kids to 'shut up' which I hate.

No.

you'll have to accept that if you leave your daughter with them, this will happen.

The slapping is a no-no all on its own, but telling a child to shut up like that just isn't a good example either.