big fall out with my sister.

[PaganMum]

Firstly sorry for the long post, I need some help.

My sister and her partner (no kids yet) have had a huge argument with myself because my mum sometimes helps me with my two and a half year old son.
He was having a big strop day so she came to town with me, we had a phone call from my sister and she hung the phone up on mum when they found out she was with me helping with my DS who was having a major tantrum the moment the call came. The phonecall was to look at wedding flowers. I rang back to find out why they hung up and the fight went on from there getting worse and worse. It even involved his parents ringing me to tell me I'm a bad parent and that I'm trying to ruin the wedding by having mum with me for a few days! among some other very nasty things that I wont print
They say when ever he has a temper I drop him on mum, which is not true at all I deal with it the best way I can and rarely involve anyone other than me or my DH. In fact its rare if we get a day or night off together at all but we don't mind because we love our DS to bits even though it is nice to get time off. What makes it even more difficult at the moment is my DH has just started work after two years at home with us so I'm on my own for the first time in a long time. I have no other family or friends and my sister wont let a toddler be in her flat so when I need a day I only have my mum to ask and the thing is my mum often offers before I even ask her.

Because of this I'm now not allowed to my sisters wedding, I've been told to 'watch my back' I'll never hear from her again and she's in a bad relationship (he isnt a very nice man)
I am so shocked I have no idea what to do.
what do others think about this? do you feel after two months you'd love to get a day/night off? should my mum tell me to get on with it?

Because there will always be something that can be misinterpreted and used against you, even if you say 'best wishes' instead of 'love' or 'love' instead of 'best wishes'. It's also too formal IMO. If you want to repair the relationship you could send a card a few days before the wedding saying 'wishing you both lots of happiness on your wedding day, with love from XX' - I think that would be Ok, though I had to go back and edit my first draft to add the word 'both' otherwise you could be accused of excluding the bridegroom blah blah. If people are thinking badly of you, they will think anything you do is wrong.

pm, is your sister's dh-to-be very controlling? Cause it sounds as if he's twisting everything to get your sister to turn against you, and then ultimately your mum, so he can have her all to himself so to speak.

or maybe I'm misreading?

Zog - It is IMO pretty much impossible to write a letter that doesn't contain some phrase or other that can be twisted and blown out of all proportion. If Pagan does write I'd keep it a very very very short note (something like "Dear Sis, You know I'll always love you. Sorry that we have fallen out. xxx PaganMum").

but the dh could even twist that "sorry that we have fallen out" could be interpreted as "see? she's saying sorry! she's apologising! so she knows she's in the wrong!"

I would just leave it tbh. maybe send a card and present for the wedding.

You should talk to your mum a lot about this and get her feelings. Make sure she is honest with you too.

With regards to your sister, sounds like it is jealousy. My sister slagged me off to my sil about being round my mums a lot and her looking after my kids (one afternoon a week) + occasional babysitting. She now has my mum look after her son two days a week now she is back at work - some people have a very short memory! My mil also looked after my two one afternoon a week (hence the bitching) between the two but she hardly ever even used to visit her mum.

We ended up having a bust up over it all but things are better now. I'm not happy about my sister though still, it was very upsetting and hurtful at the time.

it all boils down to what your mum wants to do, if she is happy with that then it is fine and nobody elses business. Check that she hasn't made some casual comment in passing that your sister has twisted or taken the wrong way.

Your sister and her partner sound spiteful 'watch your back' WTF? You are better off without them.

Paganmum, I have no constructive advice but just wanted to send my sympathy having fallen out very badly with my brother just over a month ago (over him having to come down and take her to one hospital appointment out of many that I was unable to do).

I know how horrible it feels and I hope things improve for you shortly.

I wouldn't write a letter. I had a similar falling out with my sister and we haven't spoken for over 3 years now. I wrote a letter after the big bust up, I said nice things and apologised for anything I might have said or done that had angered her.

She wrote back to say she forgave me, but never said sorry herself. She also uses the wording of my letter every few months to berate me by email and call me a 'patronising cow'.

I never reply anymore.

no thats exaclty how he is he won with regards to me now he'll start on mum.

the reason my ds is not allowed in her flat is because her dh (or not so dh) to be can't be bothered with him, when my ds asks for something or has a bit of a whine and needs a hug her partner rolls his eyes tells him off and slams doors. I don't want my child in that environment anyway. Shes not allowed to bite her nails or get upset, he can insult her but if she does it back he goes mad. you enter the flat and he likes to stand above you and talk louder than anyone else, getting louder if you try.

His parents think he's a golden boy who wouldn't do anything like this, thats why I'm the evil one (or 'pure poison' as they put it)

To be honest I'm kind of assuming that this relationship (Pagan and her sister) is a washout so long as the sister's H-to-be is on the scene. He's doing the classic controlling behaviour to cut the sister off from her family and until she sees that that's what he's doing there's not much to be done. In Pagan's shoes I'd be wanting to make sure that my sister knew that she hadn't burnt any bridges with me so that when she realises that her husband is a twat and kicks him out she won't feel she can't get in touch -- but without actually saying "hey, when you realise that X is a twat and kick him out look me up" because that might possibly be seen as a little bit inflammatory...

I'll probably send a card at the wedding wishing them luck etc and a present. my ds and I were the only bridesmaid and page boy she has I'm just so glad I didn't go and get him a suit!

I know I'm better off its just the shock of the rubbish they came up with.

I've even said to her that when she has kids I would gladly have them once a week so she can have some time off and do her housework.

Families are weird things. People are strange. Big hugs to PaganMum.

My sis is married to a man whose values do not match our family's values. It does cause rifts - though not this dramatic. However at the end of the day she is my sister and one of my best people in the world - even when she appears to be espousing those values which I find not good values.

Could you try to see your sister on her own, maybe just for a coffee? Or try to see her for short periods alone a few times? If she has absorbed these other values, she may just need time with her own family to reassert her own ideas.

Re your Mum - sounds like she is caught between a rock and a hard place, and she will be trying not to let either of you down. Mine is the same - she will bend over backwards for either of us and sometimes gets pulled in two directions at once.

Bridezilla - perhaps your sister isn't getting the attention from her partner that she wants? - and meanwhile she has the poisonous ILs dropping nasty comments in her ear. Perhaps set a time for the three of you to get together to 'celebrate' her upcoming wedding and it'll help reaffirm your connection. People tend to attack when they are feeling insecure.

(Sorry to ramble - weddings are emotional times, and families - even close ones - always seem to erupt even without meaning to.)