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Parenting

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Original poster

If mumsnet is here to help other mums in crisis (somewhat) then please could you help me??

21 replies

CharlotteACavatica · 21/02/2007 12:39

I have always made it my very VERY last resort to smack any of my kids and when i do its a smacked hand or lightly smacked bottom, but after reading many smacking threads on here i decided about 2 years ago to not smack them anymore, and to try any means possible to find alternatives, but since then the behavior of my eldest has got worse and worse and worse! he is 6 and half, and has pulled some wallpaper of his bedroom wall, i stayed calm and gave him a brief talking to, and a punishment to tidy up his room by himself (he shares with his little brother who is 4) he did this and came down stairs only to empty a box of small cars and throw them accross my living room despite many verbal warnings and tellings off, he has since then taken my dd's toys off her and hidden them she is only 17 months and is obviously unable to fight back in any useful manner, i told him off, i then got all there coats on and decided to boot them all outside, within minutes dd is crying (again) and ds1 has taken the little ride-on toy she was playing with and hidden it where she could see it but not reach it, and again i told him off, at this point im begging to see red mist! he instantly went back outside and after no more then 5 minutes, dd was wailing and moaning and i stood and watched as he wheeled his bike into the little car she was riding on and bashing her really hard, he thenwheeled it round in a big circle and bashed her as hard again the other side, and alas the red-mist finally descended and i went out trying to stay calm and i dragged his little butt into the house and i smacked his bottom very hard and told him to get to his room i didnt want to see him again today at all.......and thats how it is now, he's been up there about 10 minutes and he's bashing the hell out of something! anyone got any ideas to input? and i suppose some cross words at me for smacking my ds??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WriggleJiggle · 21/02/2007 12:44

No cross words from me. Put the kettle on, curl up with a hot chocolate and just have a few moments to yourself. You can go and deal with things when you have had a chance to clear your head.

((hugs))

StrawberrySnowflakes · 21/02/2007 12:46

no cross words at all you have obv tried everything before this, no advice either sorry but you do need some help with your LO's as theyre taking you to breaking oint

MonkeesMum · 21/02/2007 12:48

Hello there

I've only got one 2-year-old who whimpers when i raise my voice so obviously not a wealth of experience of this as a mother BUT my Mum (all 5 feet of her) can still intimidate me if she wants to because of her disciplinary methods, which were that we had to hold out our hands for a smack, like we were asking for them or something and i can still remember the humiliation of holding out my hand. It never actually hurt, that i can remember, so it wasn't the pain but the shame that was the punishment.

I don't know if that's at all helpful... good luck.

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DaveOHara · 21/02/2007 12:48

I went to see the new Charolttes web on Sunday.

Sorry, no helpful input though.

MrsGoranVisnjic · 21/02/2007 12:48

don't blame you if I'm honest and I'm almost certain I'd have done the same thing

I do think that the year 1 to year 2 is a time of burgeoning independence where they start to think they know better and have rights

have you tried sitting down with him when you're both calm (not now of course) and explaining how sad he's making you and asking him how he's feeling and whether he knows what he's doing is wrong? and allowing him to talk (if he will)

soupy's pasta jar or a check chart on the wall with a bribe at the end of it might help

sympathies

LoveMyGirls · 21/02/2007 12:50

No cross words from me either.

My dd1 is 7 and I tend to send her to bed early, she hates it i get peace and quiet an hour early and she gets some needed sleep. She's normally better behaved the next day - sometimes when shes pushing her luck i will have to do this 3 or 4 days in a row and then she learns i really do mean it when i say stop that now or you will go to bed early.

If i've already used that one once that day then she goes to bed early the next day or loses pocket money or gets something taken off her. Tbh she's never so naughty i take things off her and if i felt what she did was bad enough for me to smack her i wouldn't feel guilty about it - i don't smack hard or often.

Being a mother is tough and we all do things in the heat of the moment, if we don't teach our children to respect us, property and other people who will?

I would be very hard on him for his behaviour today tbh.

bran · 21/02/2007 12:52

They really know how to push your buttons sometimes don't they? It can be so tough to keep your temper.

Have you tried using time-out style of discipline? My ds is much younger than yours (he's 2.8 years) but I have found that putting him on the naughty step is very effective when things are getting out of hand. You're supposed to do it for 1 minute for every year of their age, but I find I don't need to leave him that long. It gives both of us a chance to calm down and catch our breaths. I think it helps that they do something similar at his nursery (they call it the 'quiet chair' I think). You may find that they do this at your ds's school so he might respond quite well to it.

bobsyouruncle · 21/02/2007 12:54

No cross words, just my sympathy. It sounds like you're doing a great job, so don't beat yourself up about the smack - I would have done the same I'm sure.

colditz · 21/02/2007 12:56

no cross words from me. he has been really naughty. smacking not the answer, everyone knows that, and you don't need telling, but probably a good idea to leave him in his bedroom until he is truly sorry and a bit miserable.

TenaLady · 21/02/2007 12:57

Let him go into one and accept there maybe a little damage.

Go up when all has calmed down and talk to him about why he is doing these things.

Then make the little so an so clear the mess in the bedroom and tell him he aint coming down until your inspection is happy and complete!

ScottishMummy · 21/02/2007 12:57

deep breath

repeat the following I am not a bad mum - i just got a bit harrased

it is upsetting for you, but we all get stressed, we all have our limits

noone should beat u up - feck it we are all human

so cup of tea...dont worry bout it

oliveoil · 21/02/2007 12:57

When you have calmed down, you need to go upstairs and APOLOGISE for hitting him and say that you were cross and you will not do it again.

Then say you were cross because his behaviour was wrong and discuss it with him, being mean to his sister etc and get him to talk about it.

Then go downstairs and do something nice all together - have no idea what 6 yr old boys do (I have 2 girls).

I think a trip out is in order, he seems like he needs to release lots of energy.

Next time he behaves like this, warn him once, if you do X again, you will go to your room. And do it.

If nothing else it gets him out of your face and he can ponder upstairs.

MorocconOil · 21/02/2007 13:27

Don't be hard on yourself. You are just a normal human being who has been pushed to her limits in stressful circumstances. You are obviously doing all you can.
It sounds like he's trying hard to get your attention but it is difficult to give him it when you have your hands full with 2 others. He needs to know that his behaviour has been unacceptable although I agree with apologising to him about the smack.
It sounds like things are escalating and maybe a change of scenery would break the tension. Could you all go out to the park? Has DS 1 got a bike he could take and then he can just ride around without bothering the others. His behaviour will probably improve with some strenuous exercise. Fresh air always seems to improve all our moods , when we get into one of these situations. And these situations happen all the time in the school holidays when we are all cooped up together for too long. Good luck!

Original poster

CharlotteACavatica · 21/02/2007 14:44

Thankyou everyone, my mum turned up about 10 minutes after my original post and she went up and brought him downstairs and said "here ive bought you all some sweeti's", and then she went and put up there pop up tents in the garden (which is probably a good thing) and they are all out there playing (nicely at the moment!!) but im mad at her for going against me and now im really damn frustrated because i cant now make him go back to his room, he is still being a little sod and mum's gone home, and left me with it all, i do like the idea of him having an early night though, i think thats definately in order tonight - but no more smacking - although i really do feel he had it coming (sorry anti-smackers!)

OP posts:

nightowl · 21/02/2007 15:00

oh no. the dreaded "nanny with sweets"... my dd actually cries for her nanny now after a telling off. (and nanny doesnt live here!)

nightowl · 21/02/2007 15:03

you need to have a word with her i think, as much as im sure she wants to spoil them (as nannies do), its not helpful when you're in the middle of punishment mode.

Original poster

CharlotteACavatica · 21/02/2007 15:50

Its not helpful no nightowl! ds1 always asks for grandma when i tell him off too, its a grandma/grandchild thing, its typical how mummy does all the hard stuff, and they cry for grandma/nanny, i dont see my mum sticking the wallpaper back up or fixing the knackered bedroom door that he launched his full scale attack onto i know she truly means well but sometimes nanna's are to quick to put there ore in!!

OP posts:

nightowl · 21/02/2007 17:36

i know the feeling

charmedhay · 21/02/2007 17:55

I think nans had all the crap when we were younger and are getting us back !!!!! Maybe its a conspiracy or something !!! I have done exactly the same as you before than feel like a child beater for about an hour until lo does something naughty again, It seems to work for dd 6 years to have a behaviour chart!! and ds is only 2 years so he gets to sit on the step hth

fizzylemonade · 21/02/2007 18:24

No harsh words from me either on the smacking front, they can be little devils at times.

I think the key is to find your childs "currency" ie what they wouldn't want to be without, what they fear etc. My parents smacked me (I have said I won't smack mine) but it was the fear of being smacked that made me good most of the time.

For my 4 year old it is him not wanting to be sent into the hall, it is cold and out of the way. The mere threat will make him behave but being a boy he does need to run about a lot too.

But whatever you do you have to follow through with the threat/punishment. So saying you don't want to see him again that day doesn't work because he will know that you will relent, I know it was probably said in the heat of the moment.

Reward charts are good if that would work.

WestCountryLass · 21/02/2007 22:33

No cross words from me either, he was pushing your buttons.

I have not smacked my kids but I have certainly had times when I could have handled things better.

Do you think he could have been bored? With mine I let them play together until things start to decline and then I arrange some sort of activity for them like we might make some biscuits or get the glue and sticky stuff out.

HTH

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