Am I expecting too much from a 12 day old?

[RD82]

My daughter is 12 days old. BFing generally every couple of hours during the day but this week cluster feeding hourly from 6pm-midnight ish.

Until a few days ago she would settle in her sleepyhead in the side sleeper crib for up to 3 hours which was manageable. Over the last couple of days she has become incredibly clingy...we are currently stuck in a cycle of: feed for average 30 mins every couple of hours during day, she falls asleep at the breast without fail. I then try & get a little wind up, put her in her swaddle & set her down in her (pre-warmed with a hot water bottle) sleepyhead. She stays asleep for a max of 10 mins before pinging awake. We have set the sleepyhead at a slight incline as she seems to love falling asleep upright on us or in a squished up crook of an arm. She takes a dummy for a bit, but I'm reluctant to use it too much whilst we're still in the early days of breastfeeding.

Desperation for sleep overnight has led us to propping ourselves up on the sofa wth her asleep on us which we do not want to continue for obvious SIDS risk reasons, and it's not sustainable.

My question is : am I expecting too much for a 12 day old? I'd be ecstatic if she slept in the sleepyhead/crib for 3 hour stretches through the night. Is she too young to make sleep associations or am I already on the road to sleep hell by allowing this to happen? I remember seeing posters on the maternity ward saying 'you can't spoil a baby with too many cuddles' yet all the books I've read (Baby Whisperer, No Cry Sleep Solution etc) seem to thing the earlier start the better & say not to let them fall asleep on you. she just loves being held. She will sit in her bouncy chair for a max of 10 mins if she's not hungry before she starts getting irritated.

I'm so confused, and I'm crying every time she gets upset. I want to enjoy this newborn stage but I can feel my mood & mindset declining the longer this continues.

Am I expecting too much? Does anyone know when they start making sleep associations?

Be kind to yourself mama. Just do what works for a few weeks months

No advice but sending you a hug! Hang in there, it will get better with time!

I expressed a bit of milk after the first feed in the morning (when I had loads) to top up in the evenings.

I would not recommend doing this at all. Your baby feeding frequently in the evenings and at night when everyone's supply is naturally lower is essential in the early weeks. By topping up - even with your own EBM - you're interfering with this supply and demand cycle. Your baby will feed less when they should be feeding the most and it will affect supply overall.

Avidly reading all your replies, you're all so kind. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I'm feeling better already.

I'm going to try co-sleeping tonight, my partner has read all the guidelines to get the bed ready & little one is currently BFing next to me now. Fingers crossed!

Xx

Awww good luck

floridasunset DS is four months and goes down at night when awake but still needs a snuggle at times in the day. I don't feel so bad about it seeing someone else did it!

I used to put the sleepyhead on the bed next to me, laying close to her used to help and made me feel less anxious about co sleeping as she was still in her sleepyhead. The first four weeks are pretty tough with sleep and cluster feeding, I remember DH and I walking around at 2am with a wide awake DD and holding Ewan the dream sheep next to her, it does get better.

Good luck op! It's really hard when you're a first time mum because there's so much advice about what you should/shouldn't be doing but it all gets so much easier when you forget about the books and just go with your instincts and what your baby is telling you. DD was about 7 months when I figured that out and it changed everything.

At this stage, just feed, cuddle, sleep with your DD and enjoy.

Don't want to offer any practical advice, your baby may be nothing like either of mine. But the best piece of advice I ever had was to give in. Just give in and go with it.

Not only are your expectations of your baby too high, your expectations of yourself are too high. You could try all you like but if your baby doesn't want it, it ain't happening. Listen to her, whatever she wants and needs, and give it to her. It may seem tough but if you just give in you will actually end up far better off. We just can't control babies, wanting to is our biggest problem.

In your position we made the decision to plan to cosleep as we could then ensure we minimised the risks (using cellular blanket, no pillows near baby etc). This is much much safer than cosleeping on a sofa.

My eldest (who we coslept with in the early weeks and months) sleeps in his own room for 12 hours and has done from being 7-8 months.

I have an EBF 12 day old here too who is doing exactly the same. He's happy to nap in his bouncy chair during the day but wakes up after ten mins in his Moses basket. I just BF him all evening until eventually he's so tired that he'll settle. He's a sucky baby (would happily sit on my boob all night but isn't actively feeding/swallowing) so I've used a dummy to settle him sometimes. I'm knackered. for you - this too shall pass.

How was your night RD82? :)

fruityb glad to help
It didn't take her long to start refusing being cuddled to sleep in the day so enjoy it while you can. Sometimes I miss those cuddles and the excuse to just sit while they sleep!

Throw the books away and read her cues instead of them (said with a caring voice not a judgy voice). Baby whisperer gave me shingles

So last night I co slept (OH on sofa, bless him) following the guidelines, BFd her flat in bed around 9.30pmish & we both slept till 1am, so we had a stretch of just under 4 hours! Fed her again, then slept till 3.30am, she took about an hour to settle at this point with a nappy change...fed her then back to sleep from 4am till 7am.

So with those two & a bit blocks of sleep I think we've both had a total of about 7 hours which is amazing.

I really appreciate you all taking time to reply with your advice & encouragement, I was starting to feel like I was failing miserably yesterday but everything feels much more manageable today. Thank you!

Well done OP, glad you had such a good night.

Co-sleeping was the best thing I did with DD, everybody got so much more sleep and it was so much more relaxed than trying to force her to sleep in other ways because I was afraid of doing the wrong thing and causing problems for later.

Enjoy all the newborn snuggles!

Excellent!

Good for you. Co-sleeping is lovely. Only thing I would add is I found embracing the 24/7 aspect of having a newborn made a big difference - particularly having some food next to the bed so I could eat whenever I was hungry in those first 6 weeks I had a lot of granola and those biscuit oatcakes. I found that made a big difference to my supply in the night. That and drinking loads. And I found it easier to feed as much as possible in the evening. You have some great advice here about lowering expectations. I am still a bit sad I followed the baby whisperer with ds1 and that is 10 years ago. With dcs 3&4 I just cuddled them and co-slept and fed them whenever and they both sleep really well now (ds2 is just 1).

Glad you had a better night! It really all is just a stage - my DS who had to be cuddled constantly as a newborn, rocked to sleep for hours to get him to settle and didn't sleep through once until 13 months morphed into a toddler who pretty consistently can be put in his bed, kissed goodnight and left until we wake him up 12 hours later (yes we usually have to wake him up, he loves a lie-in!). Some friends who had good sleepers to start with have had more problems with night waking later on.

I really think it depends on the early days. My twins spent the first 13 days of their lives away from me in scbu (born at 34 weeks). They were cuddled at certain times of the day but mostly left to sleep and get stronger.

When we got home I fed them and put them to sleep in their cots. I rarely let them sleep on me. I also didn't let visitors hold them when they were sleeping. Mine loved sleep and were rarely awake during the day for months. One was sleeping from 11-7 from 11 weeks and the other from 14 weeks.

I know every woman on here will disagree with me but I think tiny babies should be left to sleep not passed from arm to arm all day long.

Your babies obviously could be 'left to sleep' neversleepagain. They had that ability from early on, for whatever reason - it was nothing you or the SCBU did or did not do. Both of mine went from asleep to defcon 1 screaming in seconds if put down and were unable to fall asleep without considerable input until over a year old, or they would scream to gagging. Trust me, I tried well before that age to 'facilitate' it, but they were not developmentally ready.

Both of these are NORMAL ends of the sleep spectrum. If a baby needs to be held to sleep, then hold it - this does not equate to passing a baby from 'arm to arm', it needs the support and proximity to feel safe enough to sleep. If your baby doesn't need to be held, then count your blessings, because it's luck and not parenting. Have a nice child-free nap instead, and spare a thought for the rest of us before you drift off.

We decided to cosleep with ds when he was around 2 weeks old out of sleep desperation. Best thing we ever did! He began settling in his moses basket/ cot reliably from around 12 weeks. He's now 6yo and a great little sleeper. We didn't hesitate with 6 week old dd and are already getting 5-6 hour stretches between night feeds. I've heard the more you cuddle them when they're tiny the more secure they are as they get older. Incidentally, both ds and I began enjoying life much more as soon as I ditched the books and became led by him. Of course everyone is different, but I found that ds fell into a fairly reliable routine with very little input from me when he was ready (8 to 12 weeks from memory). This time I'm just enjoying the cuddles with dd while they last!

Also, I've relied heavily on a sling this time around meaning I can do stuff for my 6yo while dd sleeps on me. Best investment I've made.