Two year old doesn't want me

[MummyBuddle]

Hello. Quite new to Mumsnet, but really could do with some advice or support. No one else I talk to understands. My two year old boy just doesn't want me, he always wants daddy. When he needs comforting he gets even more upset if I try to hug him and pushes me away calling for daddy, when he's excited about something he's looking for daddy to show him, just everything is all daddy. He's been like this since he was tiny, so it's not really a phase he's going through. I'm finding it so tough and am getting really upset by it now, it's like a stab in my chest and I just end up crying a lot over it. I've got a four month old girl as well so don't want to get really depressed about it as it'll effect her. I'm finding myself always hoping that me and my dd will have that special bond that my boy and daddy do . Tonight he woke up and got out of his bed so I went to put him back and he ran into the corner of his bedroom crying and shouting for daddy, he wouldn't let me hold him or touch him, it was so horrible, he was acting like I was a total stranger. I went away and I just lost it, couldn't stop crying.
Anyone got any advice or going through this? Sorry for such a long post, just needed to get it off my chest.

Not to quite the same extent, but yes. With DS (now 2.6) I had to do bedtime, though pretty much everything else he wanted his dad. Then when I was heavily pregnant DH took over bedtime, which carried on as I'm BFing DD (10 weeks old). Since then DS doesn't want me for anything at all, and gets upset if it's suggested that I do bedtime or anything with him and not DH. It's not a nice feeling to think your own child doesn't like/love/want you, and I get upset about it. However, having a new sister is a big change for him, I'm spending a lot of time with her, whereas his dad can still give him his undivided attention more often. No advice really, but I just wanted to say you're not the only one, and I'm sure this will pass. I think children do go through phases of having a favourite parent, and in a few months it may be he only wants you all the time.

Does daddy step in? I remember watching an episode in the house of tiny tearaway's where the daughter rejected the mum totally it didn't stop till daddy put his foot down and told her to stop being nasty to mummy

My ds (2 and a half) is very much like this except will only let me comfort him not dh. He has been like this from birth. I know it is heartbreaking for dh and I do what I can to help. Dh taking him out every weekend doing something he loves is good. The more time he spends with dh the better he is. It's particularly hard at the moment as I also have 5 month old who needs my attention

My ds (2 and a half) is very much like this except will only let me comfort him not dh. He has been like this from birth. I know it is heartbreaking for dh and I do what I can to help. Dh taking him out every weekend doing something he loves is good. The more time he spends with dh the better he is. It's particularly hard at the moment as I also have 5 month old who needs my attention

Ouch! That must feel like a kick in the guts! Of course he does love you, but he could be in a bit of a habit, does your husband automatically take over when your DS asks for him for a quiet life?

I had exactly this with DS1 between the ages of about 18 months and 3 years. It's horrible. He only ever wanted Daddy at bedtime or during the night, he would go hysterical if I went into him at night wakings.

However, it has all changed & he is really affectionate with us both now. We started insisting the DH and I took turns doing bedtime (he did NOT like this at first but we persisted). We developed our own little routine of stories & cuddles. I also tried to do more fun stuff with him, just the 2 of us, like swimming.

I think this really helped (or maybe he just grew out of it naturally)

I can fully relate, had a difficult pregnancy with no 2 and no 1 became all daddy. It lasted until no2 became less reliant on me. Now both kids will favour me at times and dad at others x

This happened to us to a lesser extent when my DD was about 2- which was around the time i got pregnant with DS. It's improved steadily over the past year and now she's nearly 4 and loves us both. My DH was on her side when I was grumpy and cross and paying attention to the new baby so I can't blame her for wanting to be with him.

Daddy does say 'that makes mummy sad' etc and tries to get him to include me but doesn't work. Also daddy does take over for a quiet life as well. I just don't think it's a phase, that's what's really getting me down (and he's such hard work). It's just always been like this. I go swimming once a week just us two but can't leave dd for long as she's still breastfeeding on demand. Thank you everyone for your replies, just helps knowing I'm not in my own. X

I totally feel your pain. My DS (who's our 2nd child) has a huge preference for his dad and has done for as long as I can remember. He's 19 months now and rather than it improving, I think I've just started to accept it. If his Dad's not around, we get on great, but when it's both of us there I don't get a look in. The only thing that makes me feel better is that our DD, who was really attached to me for the first year, dropped me like a hot potato for my MIL, and then my DH. But now I'd say she doesn't have a preference. So even though my DS and yours seem to be in a long standing 'phase', it could still change. I hope!!

It's so hard isn't it playitagainsam I think I need to try and accept it like you have done. Just breaks my heart and in the day time when dads not around he can be a nightmare for me, very hard for work for me but as soon as dad gets in he starts to behave. X

It is really hard. Do you think he might pick up on how much it bothers you, and just plays up to get a reaction? I think toddlers like doing anything to get a reaction, even if it's a bad one. Could you try putting on your poker face around him maybe?

I'm so relieved to know I'm not alone! My DD (18 months) is currently all about daddy. She runs to him when she's upset, and her face lights up when she sees him in a way it used to do for me. Like pp, when it's just me and her we're fine, but give her through choice between mummy and daddy and she'll always opt for my DH.

I spent the first year breastfeeding her so we were really attached in every sense. Once I stopped, my DH started to do bedtime as he felt guilty about how much I'd been doing at night with her. Now he does most bedtimes, so I think that's a big factor.

It really hurts. I know it's a phase, I know I just need to ride it out and not let her seem reaction...but yes, it feels like rejection. And when I'm tired and want to cuddle her, seeing her run to DH again is a kick in the head.

I'm just hoping it passes...we don't have any other DC.

Purpleboa it's good to know we're not alone. I'm also the same as you, I breastfed until ds was 16 months then dh took over bed times for same reason. Now I'm breastfeeding dd I can't do bedtimes at all, do think that doesn't help like you said.

Playitagainsam yes I think he knows it upsets me, that sometimes makes me feel even worse cause he's doing it on purpose. I try really hard to not let it show but there is times when he can see I'm upset by it.

My DS went through exactly this, it got to the point I'd be trying to hold it together reading stories whilst he cried for Daddy. We have set nights for bedtimes now, DH does Mon,Wed,Fri and I do Tues, Thurs,Sun. Sat depends on whether or not Mummy needs a bath but is normally 50/50. He is nearly 6 now and it definitely works, tonight he wanted Mummy stories but we hold firm and say no it's Daddy stories tonight. Hope he grows out of it soon, I still remember how heartbreaking it felt, I always assumed he'd be a Mummy's boy

Mummy I just wanted to say you really can go back to alternating bedtimes again - as your DD is 4 months now she will be fine with her dad downstairs or in your room for half an hour...

DC3 was breast fed til 13 months but I never stopped doing bedtimes for DC1 and 2 and worked 2 short evenings per week from when he was 4 months - he was fine even though he never took abottle and refused dummies.

I thought maybe you are absolutely unintentionally making yourself about unavailable by thinking you absolutely can't do bedtimes, and if it helped to do 50% of his bedtimes before it is likely it will again. Perhaps he unconsciously thinks now that you belong to the baby and dad belongs to him?

Are you coming across as needy? Or boring?

Concentrate on having fun and being silly. Steel hugs while being a monster trying to eat him.

My son has always been like this and is 7.5 now and still a Daddy's boy! He does know to say he loves us both (and he does love me to pieces) but it's his Daddy who he wants most when he's sick or in hospital. I love that they have such a close bond, although it does hurt when I spend so much time with him and that when the door goes when DH gets back from work he bounds down the stairs like an excited puppy to greet him.
DH has always told him off if he is hurtful to me and when he was younger always included me, ie "let's give Mummy a cuddle, oh we love Mummy so much" and tackling me with hugs and kisses, encouraging DS1 to join in or saying "family cuddle!" and running in together. He also regularly encourages us to go away together doing stuff we like (eg Pokemon hunting or science museums) while he stays at home with 8 month old DS2. We also take it in turns to put DS1 to bed otherwise he would always naturally choose DH.
As I say, I love their bond and know DS1 loves me (tells me this regularly and means it) but I do know it's difficult at times, especially when society expects children to favour their mothers (and many women encourage this dependency).

the neediness will be a turn off. Just gave a laugh!

I actually posted a similar thread earlier tonight except it's about my 4yo and her preference for me over dp. I do love that we have such a close bond but I feel awful for my dp, especially when she says she doesn't like or love daddy and refuses to cuddle or even say goodbye to him if he's leaving for work or what ever. She is old enough now for us to tell her that it's not nice to say things like that (especially when it's not true), that it's bad manners not to say bye to people but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference yet. Hopefully over time it will.

We have decided that he needs to spend more 1on1 time with her as that is something they haven't done much since dd2 was born 18 months ago so hopefully that will help. Dp. does find it hurtful, understandably as I would too. Although I do remind him that she doesn't fully understand what she's saying and not to take it personally, he can't help it sometimes.

I find that reacting to it and trying to 'pressure them' can make them do it more as it gets them the attention albeit in a negative way so try to act completely non-plussed by it, and if he is mean calmly explain that what he said/did wasn't very nice and it hurts your feelings.

Sorry probably not much help but I understand and although it's not me being rejected I do find it stressful and worrying when dd doesn't seem to show her dad the same affection that she shows me as I want her to have a good relationship with us both

Have to usually feed dd to sleep (I know I shouldn't) but when she is fine with daddy I'll read a story to him but still asks for daddy. I will really try to do more bedtimes it's just hard as you have to stay with him until he's asleep very annoying lol

I'd like to think I'm fairly fun, I'm always trying to chase him, play hide and seek. He's just been like this with his daddy since forever really, I suppose I just really need to try and accept it. All my friends children are such mummy boys/girls so that rubs it in even more.

Will try not to act needy in front of him, you're probably right.