What do you do when you can't co-sleep?

[Sleepysleepysleep]

DD is 3 months. Feeding every 2 hrs 24/7.

Sometimes at night takes an hour to resettle after a feed and then wakes an hr later for a feed anyway.

I am shattered.

MN wisdom is to co-sleep. But I can't, you guys. I hate it and can't sleep.

Our bed isn't big enough and I don't/won't kick DH onto the sofa. So whenever I bring her into bed to desperately try to settle her, I end up lying rigidly beside her unable to move. And I wear a fleece but am still so so cold.

I hate it. And she sleeps, but I just lie there miserably.

So what's the alternative? Tonight I've been awake in a feed/ resettle/lie stiffly awake beside her/ feed cycle since 2.30.

At 5.30 I gave up and have been in an armchair with DS able on me ever since. She'll wake for a feed soon but at least she got 2 hrs unbroken sleep on me. And I'm warmer down here and can watch TV.

It's not good though. Being awake this much.

Don't seem to be able to think of any other options though.

She refuses a bottle. Might not make a difference anyway. Itd be ok if I could keep going on 2 hrs sleep but I'm worried.

And rambling now, sorry.

Is baby swaddled? I would just feed, move baby over a bit into the cot and use your arm to soothe her back to sleep

I put her on her side at first and she sinks back gradually. On her back totally if she's in a deep sleep. She transfers ok most of the time. But then wakes up shortly after, wtf?

Im probably doing everything wrong but can't see straight.

Trying to resettle with hands/dummy is usually a half hour of epic fail.

Only goes back to sleep if brought into armpit area.

BUt if cot is co sleeper, you can just use your hand to smooth back to sleep, and you can fall asleep at same time

Can you sleep if it's just you and the baby in bed?

We never co-slept- I felt the same as you do about it. Have you tried warming her cot with a hot water bottle? It makes the temperature difference less obvious to her. I did it from when they were tiny tiny. Also re white noise- Ewan wasn't brutal enough for mine. I used a white noise app on the iPad, really fucking loud. You can choose the sound: one of mine liked the hairdryer, the other one liked proper static noise. Sending good vibes your way!

Don't think that it's you. It's her. You just need to figure out how you can help her.
It's not easy. When we finally sort it, or they get out of a phase, another stats and we're baffled again. :)

My DS was quite difficult at that time too. He had his first tooth a month later.
Of yours could have gases.
Often the trick is to let them soothe themselves where they sleep, so that things don't change.

Not as per guidelines, but when I was desperate, I put DS on his front and he slept.
My reasoning was: every other risk factor wasn't there. He had good neck strength and he wasn't a deep sleeper, which seemed to be the problem with front sleeping.

Or maybe you can put some sort of snuggly pillow on her back to keep her on her side?

Do you have a spare room? If so, double mattress on the floor was how DS and I slept for years a while. Felt a bit miserable, with the cot mocking me from the corner, but was comfy enough and didn't have to worry about him rolling off. Also, get a single duvet for you, it's easier to stop bits falling and flapping about.

Or a sleeping bag. They're really cosy and you can pull the zip down on one side for boob access.

So I am being thick - how does a co-sleeper work?

Does baby fall asleep beside you in the bed and then you slide them over? Or do you almost feed them over there at the cot?

Bertrand not really, tbh. I am someone who tosses and turns, a restless sleeper. I also sleep in a foetal position with blankets up to my ears all snuggled in.

But it means when I'm stuck beside her I feel like I'm too rigid to fall asleep. I feel like a statue, it's exhausting.

The lowest point is when my armpit is keeping the dummy in, so even after half an hour if I dare to move an inch and the dummy falls out, it wakes her up and I cry

I'm not really one to give advice as I have terrible sleepers, but I could've written your post a year ago. I was very resistant to co-sleeping, it's not something I was comfortable doing with a baby so little. After 6 months of torture (she would literally scream the house down the second I put her down in her cot), I eventually gave in. I would lay her on top of the duvet in her sleep bag, and stay under the duvet myself, just exposing enough so she could have a feed and then burying myself fully under it when she was done.

She wouldn't settle with a stroke and the side cot wouldn't have worked for me as she would only stay asleep if she was tucked right up against me.

All I can say is it does get better (or you get more used to it). Try any of the tips here that you think will work. Don't be disheartened if stuff doesn't work as all babies are different, just try to ride out the storm, something will work.

A co-sleeper never worked for me. They just wanted to be in that armpit area you describe at all times. Made a fine laundry basket though.

Have you looked at a sleepyhead?

Oh gosh wacca.

Mind you, I guess if it's cot I already own, it's no loss.

I have looked at sleepyhesds but aren't they expensive? And she's on the 90th percentile for length!

But also if it's an armpit adhesion issue then I guess even the sleepyhead would be too far away for her. I dunno, I'm presuming.

I'd try louder white noise - at first we used the radio on static on quite a loud setting - reducing it as the night went on.

Swaddling worked for us (the Velcro style blankets) as she woke herself up by chucking her arms around.

Changing dummy style (was never interested in the first style we got but took to a different shape easily).

Also some item of your clothes tucked around sheet (so not a hazard) so the cot smells like you.

I never tried hot water bottle (summer baby in the heatwave we had) but sounds sensible too.

I'm another who struggles to sleep with her in the bed.

I coped (barely) because DH is one of nature's natural co-sleepers so I handed dd1 over to him to settle. I was like you - cold, rigid, awake. He cuddled her tight and went to sleep even if she wriggled / grunted.

Later, I did the put in cot and leave to cry while I go to the loo, come back and cuddle to sleep thing for a while. Then one day I came back from the loo and no crying - that was the start of sleeping by herself, first at night and eventually for naps.

I am going to go to sleep for an hour whilst DH takes over. Thank God toddler is in nursery (last day though agh!)

I have told him we're going to set up the Mothercare cot with the side down this afternoon. I still don't understand the mechanics of how I will do it exactly, but at least it's something I can try for tonight. DH definitely has bungees knocking around.

I am so grateful you are all being sympathetic - co sleeping is so popular here I was afraid you'd all tell me to just suck it up as they're only little for a short time etc etc etc and I'd feel like a crap mum for not being able to succeed at it.

(...... though am aware I may still have to suck it up if nothing else works.....)

I'm just like you, i sleep with the covers practically over my head and toss and turn all night, I just could not sleep with DS in the bed and it was freezing for me. I hated it.

how much have you persisted with the cot thing/ i'm not saying CIO or anything for a three month old, but DS was happy to lie in his cot, he just wouldn't sleep. I decided one week that enough was enough and I was going to persist with just soothing him in the cot (I could reach it from my bed so just shhhh and pat really) until he learned to settle. By day three we had cracked it and he has slept in his cot ever since (won't sleep anywhere else now though but is a good sleeper overall so i don't mind). He didn't really cry though, just lay there staring and shuffling about, i guess it would be different if they cried.

Hi all, just an update to say thanks for the idea about the cot. We erected it and made it into a co sleeper and it did help a fair bit. I fed her over in her cot and when she fell asleep on the boob didn't have to stir her, I just slithered away.

So I got 2 hrs sleep from 10-12.30....then another two hours sleep from 2.30-4.30.

Unfortunately in between those times she was feeding every hour or waking for no reason after 20 mins etc. But that's another problem. And DH has managed to get a bottle into her yesterday whilst I was having a nap and she also took one this morning! So I don't feel so trapped.

Thanks so much.

That's progress.

I suggest Dh needs to be involved. I would put a limit on how often you feed overnight at 3 months. You could start at 2hrs. So if you feed 11pm, any wakings before 1pm no feeding. You or Dh need to resettle her without feeding. I suggest Dh tries as he has no milk scent. Once she starts going 2 hrs with no feeds overnight, increase to 2-1/2 then 3hr gaps.

The sleepyhead is pricy at £100, but last most 9 months. They hold value and you can buy on eBay second hand. If you swaddle baby then inside sleepyhead they basically mimic the being held under armpit

Oh god I remember the early months exactly as you describe. A hell I never want to return to. I used to sit up too. It was torture.

I finally managed to make the cosleepig work and it really was life changing. Our bed wasn't big enough either so we used two single mattresses off our guest bed and put the together on the floor of the nursery and all slept in there together. In the day we stack them on top of each other to leave floor space to play. I also mastered the art of sleeping with the duvet wrapped round myself and anchored under me so I didn't have to worry. I did consider a sleeping bag or one of those adult sized cellular blankets but never bothered in end.

I got a sleepy head it made putting baby in own cot easier but still co sleep a lot.

Also ibtorduced music at night its been proven to be the most relaxing music.

Used to dislike co sleeping it hurt my back but has got easier as baby got bigger.

Hope you find a way

Possibly a stupid question, but what happens if you don't settle her? When ours wake up we leave them unless they're screaming, and as soon as they're done with their bottle they get put back down however wide awake they are.