What I wish people had told me when I had my first baby...

[bradleybecky]

Any thoughts?

How hard the colic/reflux crying would be. The HV spoke to us when I was pregnant about putting the baby down and going into a different room for deep breaths if you felt yourself 'losing it ' and I thought 'yeah yeah we'll not need to do that'. I assumed if I cuddled and fed my baby he'd stop crying. When that didn't happen it was a terrible shock. It's hugely stressful and overwhelming. Sometimes your baby won't stop crying and nothing you do helps. Go for a walk outside on a busy road to drown out the noise, the motion may help. You're not going mad, it's just probably the most stressful thing you've ever dealt with, and one day your child will not communicate by crying alone!

That after a few weeks the adrenaline will wear off, the sleep deprivation kicked in and anxiety and The Fear (see previous post) will get so overwhelming you feel like you are going mad. You aren't and most other mums feel the same to some extent. It passes. Eat well, set (v small) tasks every day so you feel like you have achieved something. Even if you have just wiped around the bathroom sink.

Newborn life is a series of phases, nothing lasts forever.

You will hate your partner for getting more sleep than you!

Horrendous night sweats in the first week or so are a thing! As are elephant feet post birth as everything drains.

Oh and suddenly you will become obsessed with germs and wanting people to wash their hands at all times and why the hell would anyone with a cold come within a five mile radius of your pfb?!

To hire a maternity nurse for the first 6 months so i could sleep.

You are awesome and amazing. You have made a whole new person and are taking care of them.

If you're looking after a screaming baby and feel you can take the screams no more it's really, really ok to put them down, check they are safe and leave them for a short while. Have a cup of tea out of earshot. You'll feel so much better for it. Even just knowing you're allowed to do this can be enough sometimes.

Follow your gut, you will have lots of advice and opinions from everyone around you but do what feels right for you! Opinions are only ideas and thoughts not facts.

You're not "asking for trouble" if you hold your week old baby during the night because they won't sleep in the basket (thanks for that encouragement ,mum). You will make mistakes. Learn from them and move on.

Be prepared not to be able to walk round a supermarket without being stopped by every old lady who wants to look at the baby and know it's name, and then tell you a story about someone with that name.
Also I was shocked that when first seeing my baby he didn't look at all like I had imagined him. I don't know what I had imagined, maybe my face in miniature? I had thought maybe I would get all the emotional love rushing you see on One Born but this confusion threw me! But that was ok!
Also it is bloody boring most of the time! You may lay in bed chanting "I question my life choices" more than once. And that's ok too!
And everyone will tell you to enjoy it because it goes so quick...that gets annoying but it's so true.

You DO need a changing table. You will realise this about a week and a half in when you find yourself trapped on the floor, crying because of back pain, and physically unable to stand up while holding your baby.

I used to weep with gratitude that I had bought a changing table attachment with the travel cot.

Oh yeah...travel cots are a good thing. If you buy one with a high level basinette and a changing table they are very useful to have in the kitchen if you have room. Even if the baby won't sleep in it for months (likely) they're still great just as a place to store all the assorted crap that comes with a baby. 10,000 little white vests etc.

Plan to stay in bed (feeding) for the entire first week. More if you need to. I was way too keen to get up and about, having left hospital - high on endorphins - the same day I gave birth, (I crashed).

Get them used to napping in places that aren't quiet/dark.

Never feel bad/guilty for holding them, whatever rulebook tells you otherwise. Down the line you will dream of the days they fell asleep in your arms!

If you've had stitches make sure you are shown how to feed your baby lying down on your side if breastfeeding so you don't have to sit on said stitches for 10 hours a day.

I didn't realise that babies needed to be taught how to sleep and that they get overtired. I spent hours at night thinking my DD had colic because of her screaming when in fact she needed to calmed to sleep in a darkened room.
I also thought a routine would be easy to establish, ha ha ha! But things do get better and we had especially dark times!

That babies don't know how to fall asleep by themselves and if they're crying hysterically for apparently no reason it's probably because they're tired and they need help falling asleep.

Don't be surprised if after all of your hard work the baby comes out and looks just like it's bloody father! Hahaha.

If you want to start breast feeding but also bottle feeding with either pumped milk or formula, it's okay to do both from the beginning. I was told with my first not to bottle feed for six weeks, then my son always refused to take a bottle, so couldn't be left for more than an hour or two until he was old enough for a beaker. Thanks midwife (!). Second son I followed my instincts and mixed and matched from day one. No problems at all.

Also, if anyone offers to help - particularly practical help - welcome them with open arms. You honestly get no prizes for doing it all yourself. If you need a daytime nap when the baby's sleeping that's fine.

As someone else said, once the initial stress passes, you'll have a lot of fun. Children really are funny.

If you have stitches, fold a pad in 2 and hold it against them while you poo. It is very comforting!

If you think that baby has done a poo do not put your finger down the back of the nappy to find out.
It will not end well.

If you're having BF trouble, see a good LC and get checked for tongue tie.

Make sure the baby sleeps enough and doesn't get overtired. Don't worry about where or how they sleep, and especially don't worry about self settling, that can be sorted later. Just get enough sleep in - which is a lot.

If you're hating it, that's ok and millions of women do hate the newborn stage. Don't panic that your life is over. It gets much better.

Burn the baby manual & listen to your instincts!

That it may not be as bad as you think!

I read so many horror stories on this site about caring for babies and they are nothing like my experience.
Had 2 dcs who fed and slept, mostly self settled from birth and after they started going 10+ hours through the night at 2/3 months had very few broken nights - it can happen!
Expect the worst and be pleased if it is not that bad!

Birth-wise - I was birth-phobic. I was in hospital for a few days before going into labour and spent hours lying there feeling terrified of what was to come. The take home message - what you're afraid might not even happen, what a waste of your life to fret about it. If it does happen, it might not be as bad as you fear it will be, what a waste of your life to fret about it. If it is as bad as you fear it will be, the fear didn't help and probably made it worse, so what a waste of your life to fret about it. This applies to most of life it turns out. Fretting is a waste of life.

Early days - wise, bit like setting out to sea for the first time, expecting it all to be beautiful sunsets and cocktails on the foredeck, and as soon as you're out the harbor a storm blows up. You lash yourself to the wheel and hold tight waiting for it to blow over. It feels like it never blow over - where are the beautiful sunsets and cocktails on the foredeck everyone told you about? You feel cheated and wish you had never set out to sea in the first place. People tell you that you are doing really well and you think this is bullshit - all you're doing is holding on. One day the storm will die down, you will get some sleep, accept some help, feel like you got stuff right and the baby will laugh. This is your sunset and cocktails moment. You will realize there will be storms and there will be beautiful days and you will get through. When people told you that you were doing well, they were right, all you needed to do was hold on tight and keep going through the storm. No one can ask any more of you.

Great post King.

I was also birth-phobic, almost convinced me and/or the baby would die. A lot of the things I worried about happened, but it was fine. The doctors dealt with it and at the time I wasn't even panicked, the medical staff made me feel like everything was under control, they took it all in their stride. And we're both fine Baby safe and I'm repairable and healing well. All the times I was pregnant and in tears and refusing to think about when the baby was here because I never believed it would happen; what a waste of headspace and anxiety.

Also agree with your second paragraph completely.

I would say that births plans don't always go plan and not to be too hung up on having the perfect birth experience or feel disappointed that things didn't go was you wanted. As long as you and baby are ok that is all that matters.

Newborns don't need that much stuff.

Be kind to yourself. Sleep, eat well and accept help from others.

I also think it's easy to become overwhelmed by the amount of information and opinions from experts, friends and family. Listen, consider and make your own decisions. Remember people have been raising children for years without Google and parenting experts.

Just get that pushchair out the front door and go for a walk if you feel like you're losing your mind.