AIBU to ask my Mum not to drink?

[moonbeamdream]

Hi al hope you can help me out with a tough situation I'm facing. I suppose a bit of background would be useful so you ladies understand why I'm concerned. Apologies but this is a long post.

My mother has alcohol dependency issues, she's not reaching for a drink in the morning and has a full time job, so I suppose you would say she's a functioning alcoholic. She cannot go a day without a drink, but doesn't know how to drink in moderation, it's all or nothing with her. It's been this way for years but has got progressively worse. She lost her driving licence and that's when she started to turn her life around and abstain from alcohol. She managed to get in control and not too long after I found out I was pregnant with DD, I wanted my mum and DH at the birth and since my mum got her licence back she was able to make the journey at the drop of a hat if she needed to. I was really happy that my mum was going to be able to be there.

So when I was pregnant with my DD we had Christmas and New Year planned at our house. Since I was due early January my mum was going to stay with us until my DD was born, and rest of family were going to go back home due to work/uni commitments. We live 400 miles away from my hometown so was nice to have the holidays with my side of the family. They arrived Christmas Eve, everything was fine. Me and Mum were busy getting everything ready for Christmas Day and no drinking whatsoever from anyone. Christmas Day; we have a lovely day, still no drinking from mum, she was happy just being busy and making sure I put my feet up (which was amazing and I was so appreciative of)

8pm hits and that's when things started to go sour. My Dad and husband had a small bottle of brandy but took themselves away to enjoy it out of sight, but Mum has worked out why they are sat in another room. In our dining room we have a wine rack but I emptied it before they came and hid the bottles under our stairs,

(as wine is the worse thing she can drink and I just wanted to take temptation out the way. And Before they come down I made it clear that if there was any alcohol related incidents then she would be asked to leave (it sounds harsh but my mum can be violent and verbally abusive when she has had too much).

Mum asks Dad if she can have a drink with them, Dad says only if it's the one as this will stop anything going off, she says ok. Has one drink, she has the rest of the bottle without hesitation when the men have gone outside for 5 minutes to have a cigar, all this time I'm sat with my sister in front room watching a movie. All of a sudden mum walks in asking where the wine is, I say there isn't any, she snarls at me saying she knows I keep it under the stairs and proceeds to get the bottle from there. I ask her respectfully not to drink any and remind her what we agreed, she replies that she is the parent and I'm the child... she takes herself away and within a short space of time the wine is all gone and now she has put our radio on very loud, I ask her to turn it down, she says ok and starts moaning I'm no fun etc. At this stage things are heated and it's getting late, so me and DH take ourselves to bed as Dad has suggested and says he will calm her down and get her to bed. Mum keeps making a disturbance and DH has decided enough is enough, I follow him down Andy starts being aggressive towards us, we ask her to sleep it off or leave, she pushes me across the kitchen and a I fall over hitting my back badly, ambulance called and DH kicks her out, Dad is trying to plead her case but I can't even look at her. They all leave the next day, I have no contact with anyone.

I call Dad when I went into labour a few weeks later, so the family can know. I ask no one comes but we will keep them posted. Mum insists she will behave and begs to come down, I remember having a contraction while on the phone shouting do not come down you had your chance and you blew it. She comes anyway and arrives just after I have my DD. She stays for 3 days and not a drop to drink, she has to go back
To work so goes back home. She sorts herself out and things are fine, however in the last 6 months she's fell off the wagon again as Dad has walked out (he can't take anymore) She's asking if she can be at the birth of this DD, she said she will only drink beer and won't kick off. Dad says I should give her a chance, DH is having none of it, I agree with DH. I said either you stay sober or don't bother coming, AIBU?

I think you're the pregnant one and it should be exactly what you want.
that said I suspect what you want is your lovely, sober mum :(

I would love nothing more than my sober mum she's amazing, but this person she is at the moment is just not her and I don't see why my kids should see all this when I don't even drink myself

Just wanted to say I feel your pain, moonbeamdream. My mum has been an alcoholic since I was about 8 years old (I'm 32 now). I mean a full-blown, unable to hold down a job, verbally abusive drunk. The kindest, most thoughtful sober person, but sadly those days were too few and far between. My dad finally left her about 4 years ago and I actually cut her out of my life for two years, for the sake of my own mental health. When I fell pregnant with my son earlier this year I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum: end the drinking or you will not see my son. He's ten weeks old now and she's been sober since that day. Unfortunately, decades of alcohol abuse have left her with irreversible brain damage, and she has very poor short term memory, but she is over the moon to have a grandchild. However, she knows that if she starts drinking again I won't hesitate to follow through with the consequences. That might seem harsh to some, but I know first-hand how damaging alcoholism is to children and families, and I refuse to subject my son to that.

I would be concerned that she's said she'll "only drink beer". That doesn't sound like someone who has acknowledged they have a problem and is working to overcome it. She may not be ready to do that and no amount of begging or pleading on your part will change that, unfortunately.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, look out for yourself and your little family. You cannot control anyone else, least of all an addict, but you can control what you do. Listen to your gut and put you and your children first. You won't regret it.

Sending you lots of good vibes and strength for your new arrival, and wishing you a wonderful new year.xxx

She is alcoholic who is still drinking and is intending to continue. You know she will behave in a way which will not be helpful to you.

I do think your husband and your dad were unreasonable to drink around an alcoholic who had just given up drinking. That was not supportive at all but your Mum is still responsible for her own behaviour.

She's asking if she can be at the birth of this DD, she said she will only drink beer and won't kick off.

Dad says I should give her a chance, DH is having none of it, I agree with DH.

I said either you stay sober or don't bother coming, AIBU?

Hell no YADNBU.

I promise I won't get drunk but I will be drinking?

That sounds like "Sorry. Not sorry."

Stick to your guns.

My mum was an alcoholic too. I decided that all I could do was protect myself and my children.

As penoversword says if she is saying that she will 'only' drink beer she clearly has not accepted that she is an alcoholic. Until she does and takes positive steps to address her problem her promises are meaningless.

Please don't be guilt tripped into giving her another chance, it will only cause you further distress at a time when you are the one who needs to be the focus.

I wish you all the very best for you and your growing family.

Thank you all so much for your responses it's really appreciated. I agree Dad and DH should have not had alcohol in the house, DH agrees in hindsight it was not the best idea. (Initially he said my Mum's behaviour shouldn't dictate our household and he should be allowed to have a night cap etc)

I did have a conversation with Dad yesterday and asked how best to approach Mum, he said he will talk to her but that isn't solving the issue. I said to Dad that I will be asking her to either be completely alcohol free for the time that she stays with me or not to come down, I also said if she chooses not to come down I would have more respect for her than coming down and doing what she wants to. I then said if she promises to come down to stay and then messes up even once I will kick her out and never speak with her again, it's really playing my head up and my anxiety is through the roof which is unfair on my family unit and myself.

I have tried calling her but no answer so I'm guessing she's avoiding me, and that she knows what I want to say.

When I do manage to speak with her I will just have to be straight out with it and not sugar coat it like we all have over the years. Thank you ladies you have helped me more than you will ever know xx

Just an update: Mum has agreed not to drink while starting with us, she has agreed with everything I said and has been brilliant since I was completely honest with her. Thanks ladies x