My wife has never really bonded with our daughter, 12, and says as much. She has always struggled to find common ground but recently the situation has worsened and there are daily arguments and shouting and my daughter is now of an age where she is beginning to hate her mother back. I am looking for some advice on the topic.
By way of background... We are comfortably middle class with a big house etc, but we don't spend money on luxuries instead choosing to spend it on holidays. We lived for a few years in Singapore and are now back in the UK. My wife is central European and is very black and white on all issues, so there is a right way to do things and a wrong way and she wants it done the right way. This fixed attitude extends to childcare and when I suggest we go and see a counsellor or similar that option is always dismissed. In fact any criticism of parenting or suggestions usually meet with a stock response, to whit, it's because we don't agree on how to raise kids which is a euphemism for "you are not strict enough".
For my part I am fairly relaxed, and I always hoped that saturating my daughter with tales of good children and good role models would result in her adopting these ideologies with having to be so dictatorial.
By way of examples. My Daughter has chores to do every day, tidy her bedroom, put away the dishes, rinse her swimming stuff. If she doesn't do these my wife will get annoyed and it rapidly escalates to shouting and screaming. If my daughter makes a mess leaves stuff lying about or whatever similar actions occur. My daughter lately seems to be performing these type of actions more and more often as if to 'poke the tiger' so to speak and increasingly pushes boundaries like bedtimes and the like.
As conversations with my wife have the same result I have talked directly to my daughter explaining that her mum expects these behaviours and that the simplest way to proceed is to complete them as a matter of course and avoid conflict. She seems on occasion to take this advise for a few days but mentions that she doesn't like her mum, who she things is unreasonable and has no affection for her. I support my wife's side but with a portion of resignation.
When the two of them do something together such as my daughter helping my wife to do craft stuff (paint eggs, decorate biscuits or whatever) it starts well but my daughter seems to tire of it quickly and my wife gets frustrated that my daughter isn't doing it 'right' and that she doesn't want to learn to do it 'right'.
However, there at occasions when they seem to get on okay. They have driven to see my wife's parents in Europe a couple of times and on those trips they get on well. I wonder if the reason why they get on well is because I am not present and so my wife is freed of some burden.
Okay that is a fairly expensive background :)
What I am looking for is advice. Is it normal for a woman to dislike her child? Are these sorts of arguments on a daily basis normal? If not normal then acceptable? What coping strategies can I implement that might ease the issues? IS it partly my fault? Should I restrain my more liberal leanings and adopt my wife's more draconian rules?
My main fear is that the situation will become untenable for my daughter and she will be off as soon as legally allowed to do so.