Sorry to post this here, I've got no one I can talk to in real life and just need to let it all out.
I'm struggling. I'm married and have 4 dc. I also work 32hrs a week. The eldest is 12. Hormonal. Problems at school (she has been bulling another girl). She also has a very negative view on everything, always has to have the last word, always has to interrupt with unhelpful one-up-manship comments. Her attitude is a complete drain. Youngest is 11 months. Doesn't sleep well so I am exhausted but he is amazing I just feel like I'm missing out on so much by working. Working Mum guilt. Other 2 dc are 7 and 4. I feel as though I never have time for them. I missed dc3's first day of school. I've got his nativity play booked off but can't get dc2's Carrol concert off. Feeling guilty x2. Feel as though all I do when I see them is shout and moan. I don't like who I've become.
Dh and I have spent the last few weeks constantly bickering at each other. I'm tired of it. He thinks it's because I've changed since going back to work. This is the first mon-fri job I've had since we've been together. Previously I was a sahm and then worked 2 evenings. I'm shattered and he is having to help around the house and with the kids more. This has not made him happy.
I'm living in a constantly negative environment. I can't do anything right by dh. I can't do anything right by the dc. I feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat.
Dnan is in hospital. It has come as a massive blow, she's so full of life. Dh just keeps putting on a positive, she'll be fine etc, and she will if she has the willpower to make herself better but I feel she is giving up. When we saw her yesterday she was trying to say goodbye. Dh won't let me talk about it, he shrugs it off saying I'm imagining things and she's fine and will be as soon as she can get out. He won't listen to me. My mum agrees with my but I don't want to bother her with my worries as she clearly has enough on her plate.
I did text dh this morning about how low I am feeling. I almost walked out of work thinking I cba with it no more. I do enjoy my job but I just want to be with my dc. He was sympathetic yet as soon as I walked in the door the bickering began again. I've locked myself away finally letting the tears I've been desperately trying to hold back flow free. I don't know what to do I'm just crumbling.
Sorry for the long post I just have to let it out. I don't want to feel this way anymore