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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm going to have to leave my clingy 19 month old for a week or two....

19 replies

Nikki2ol6 · 11/12/2016 09:35

I'm devistated to have to do this he's very y clingy to me and OH and doesn't like to be left with anyone else. When he does sleep out we get phone calls early the next day saying he's crying for us. Thing is.... we are due a baby in 3 weeks. This baby is very very poorly and going to be in hospital for around 2wks if his heart surgery goes to plan. I can't leave my newborn at the hospital but I also don't want to leave my toddler. The nurse at the hospital who will be helping to look after my baby has told
Me it will be very hard and we will feel tied. I don't know weather to pop home to see my toddler when I can which would be possibly once a day or if this would upset him more seeing me coming then leaving again. But I did think it would be best he was looked after at home so my baby sitter is going to basically move into my house while we are in the hospital to keep life as normal as possible for my children. Anyone any advice?

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Lake2 · 11/12/2016 10:36

I wouldn't pop home, it will definitely make things worse.
It's very different to your situation but my husband works away for between 4-7 weeks at a time. Kids cry and miss him and talk about him continuously for a day or two, then they adapt and get on with it. Every time he comes home it messes with their feelings again. So, I think it's best if you stay away, imo.

Good luck with your new baby, hope you are all home and healthy soon

Riderontheswarm · 11/12/2016 11:19

I would come home every day and spend 3 hours or so with him. Your new born will sleep a lot and won't notice the same way. That's what I would feel most comfortable doing but whatever you decide will be hard. Don't be worrying too much about whether you are getting everything right. Hope everything goes well.

idontlikealdi · 11/12/2016 11:27

I would go home for a few hours a day if feasible. There's not much you can do apart from sit by the baby's cot and help with cares.

Dts were in nice and scbu for 6 weeks, we used to go in around 11 and stay until their feed at 7, horrible as it was there were no facilities for us to stay at night.

I hope all goes well for your baby.

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Original poster

Nikki2ol6 · 11/12/2016 12:01

Thank you everyone. I want to breastfeed my baby if possible if it's not possible then I want to express it for him for his tube so I'm new to all this and have no idea how often I will have to express and how soon after it will go into the fridge or if it will be used immediately in his tube, also we can't sleep on the ward he will be on as it's an intensive care unit. But we have been offered accommodation at the hospital incase we need to get to our baby quickly so we will be sleeping there until he gets put on onto the next step down ward where one of us can sleep and one can go home

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HanarCantWearSweaters · 11/12/2016 12:07

I was in the position of your babysitter last year. Nanny to a family with two children while their mum stayed in the hospital with the poorly newborn for about 4 weeks.
I would say routine is vital, it's the not knowing who's coming or going that can be stressful for them. So if you make the decision to come home each day I would suggest the same time, same duration, you do the same things with him etc. At the end of the day you know him best and whether he'd respond better to more or less contact from you.

lamprey42 · 11/12/2016 12:09

Maybe plan a regular time to see the toddler each day so they know what is happening? Re expressing the team in intensive care should be able to advise. I initially expressed for my twins before breastfeeding as they were prem. Hospital loaned me a hospital grade pump and I expressed every 2/3 hours. Kept in fridge and brought in to be used as necessary. Could also express on scbu ward by the incubators. When time came they were very helpful in transitioning to breast feeding. Good luck with it all.

OldLagNewName · 11/12/2016 12:31

Definitely come home whenever you can. I've been in a similar situation and DS1 would have been devastated not to keep seeing me regularly. With older children I agree that lots of back and forths can be more disruptive but to a 19 month old even a day lasts for ages. Even if he is upset when you leave, I bet he'd be far more upset not to see you for days on end. (And you and the babysitter could maybe plan easier exits, like 'Mummy has to go in 5 mins but shall we just start watching [favourite programme] together first')

The NICU DS2 was on was absolutely useless on bf support. They just dumped a pumping machine on me with really minimal instructions. Luckily I'd used one with DS1 so knew what I was doing but if you haven't it might be worth reading up beforehand. They stored my expressed milk for some time - can't remember now but at least 24 hours, possibly 72? Anyway for long enough that you don't need to be there for every feed.

Cel982 · 11/12/2016 13:02

I would come home for a few hours every day. Yes, it may upset your toddler when you leave again, but a week - or more - is a long time to leave such a young child who's used to seeing you every day. And you will need the break as well. Best of luck to you and your little baby, I hope all goes well for you.

Original poster

Nikki2ol6 · 11/12/2016 13:45

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words that's great you don't have to be there for every feed and it can be stored a while

OP posts:

AppleMagic · 11/12/2016 13:55

My dc3 is just home following a three week stay in the NICU after birth. Whilst he was there he only had pumped milk in a bottle (this was the quickest way for them to see he was able to feed without a feeding tube), but a week later at home he is 100% breastfed - so it is possible. You will need to pump every 2-3 hours (although i found I could get away with not pumping as much through the night). They should have fridge and maybe even freezer space for you on the ward. Get a little cooler bag to help you transport the milk between your accommodation and the hospital. Did you breastfeed your oldest? If so, you should find that your body goes into
autopilot and it's easier to get a decent supply with the pump.

Original poster

Nikki2ol6 · 11/12/2016 15:15

No I didn't I did try too but I didn't know what I was doing and was sent home from hospital the same day so I did feed him a couple of times but went onto formula when we got home

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Ricekrispiesquare · 11/12/2016 15:50

I really feel for you OP. My 19 month old is very clingy and I'm getting sad just relating to you about it.

Can you find out as much as possible about what is required of you to breast feed/ express for your baby? It probably goes against the grain here but I would prioritise being at home with the toddler. The baby will be in safe hands and well looked after, will likely be able to receive donor milk and the hospital will likely call instantly if they feel you are needed to come up there.

Is there any possibility you could drop her off at a nursery in the morning, pop to hospital, come home for lunch/play/nap (baby sitting for nap time so you can go back to hospital?) let dad go to hospital on his way home for an hour or so then bedtime as usual and back to hospital for you?

My suggestion may be completely invalid and stupid becuase I haven't been in your situation before. I've got a 4 week old at home but she's absolutely fine and I put her down and in her basket as much as possible becuase I feel that my toddler needs me more... but she doesn't have the additional needs that your new baby has.

Good luck OP

KateyinBaku · 11/12/2016 15:59

My son was in the SCBU for nearly a week and I expressed for him to be tube fed and then breastfed too. If I'd been discharged before him, I'd not have been there for night feeds, so he would have been tube or bottle fed, as most of the other babies there were; the SCBU was really well set up for that with a pumping room, pumps, steriliser, storage bottles etc and they gave you pre-printed labels for the expressed milk. My milk took ages to come in, and when it did he couldn't/wouldn't latch, and we ended up going home and finger feeding and then bottle feeding expressed milk until he was two weeks old. We then saw an AMAZING midwife who was a breastfeeding specialist and she got him to latch. I then had thrush and mastitis and fed direct from one boob and pumped the other and bottle fed for a bit. Eventually went to all breastfeeding and breastfed him until 20 months. Unexpected! So even if you have a rocky start, you can do it if you get the right support. If you want to! My only regret is that at some point I stopped giving him a daily bottle and then when I tried again, he wouldn't have it. With my DD, I found feeding from a bottle as well to be invaluable in terms of allowing me time with my son. It's a big, difficult adjustment for a kid to acquire a sibling so I really think prioritising regular one-on-one time with the older one is very very important. I would try to get home as people have suggested at a regular time for a couple of hours and don't worry about the new baby. He/she will be well looked after and you can express and leave the milk for baby, and possibly also express at home and bring it back with you in a cooler (or freeze it to give when baby is home and you need a break or to go somewhere). I bought a philips avent pump and find it great. Some children's centres will lend out pumps for a small deposit if you can't afford to buy one or aren't sure you'll need it for long, too. Worth looking into for flexibility.
Good luck! It's hard getting a clingy toddler adjusted but 6 months in, DS is so sweet with DD. You'll get there!

Original poster

Nikki2ol6 · 11/12/2016 19:03

My baby will be extremely poorly and I know he will be well looked after as he will be in cardiac intensive care but he is expected to go into heart failure in the first few days and need emergency heart surgery. So as you can imagine I'm very on edge and don't want to be too far from him so I think if I could pop home for a couple of hours it would be best even if it was in the evening and I give him his bath and put him upto bed every ugh too (if possible) it's such a hard situation I'm so stressed about it

OP posts:

archersfan22 · 11/12/2016 19:50

Oh gosh that sounds really hard. No idea if this is helpful but is there a cafe/Mcdonalds/soft play/other toddler friendly venue near the hospital where babysitter could bring your toddler? Then you could spend time with him but still be near the baby if you are needed suddenly?

PlaymobilPirate · 11/12/2016 19:56

Could you and dh do shifts if he is on paternity leave? So each pop home for a bit each day? Ds was in nicu for a fair while and the other parents who had dc at home disappeared for a while each day.

Original poster

Nikki2ol6 · 11/12/2016 20:06

There is a park right by the hospital with a pond and loads of toys. If the weather is ok. And yes we did talk about doing shifts I'm just hoping he stays in until after Christmas

OP posts:

Ricekrispiesquare · 13/12/2016 11:56

OP is there a children's ward or any play therapists there?

I watched a programme recently where a toddlers little brother was in hospital very poorly and the toddler used to be bought in and the play therapist would play with him and gently explain the situation through play. Is there anything like that there?

Original poster

Nikki2ol6 · 13/12/2016 13:46

I'm not sure but we have been offered a lot of support once our baby has arrived to help with child care and dealing with it all

OP posts:

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