PND or just ground down?

[hawaiibaby]

I hope this makes sense.

I've been feeling really odd on and off the last few weeks. DS2 is 8 months old. I thought it was just exhaustion (he's an awful sleeper - for another thread) and we've had a lot on our plate with our house move falling through and me taking on a lot of work from home despite not really having the capacity. DS1 has also been ill a few times, resulting in two overnight stays in hospital and there's been stuff like a lot of work stress from DH. Otherwise just the usual busy family type of thing. I thought I was happy though and didn't really fit any of the symptoms of PND.

Then this week I happened to read an article where the writer didn't know she had PND but one day realised she didn't recognise herself anymore and was always shouty, impatient etc. and full of negativity. It's really triggered something in me, not that I even feel exactly that way. But I DO get angry quite easily - like when the baby won't sleep - I don't lose it or anything but I feel quite ragey, and I've gone from reasonably laidback to a real stress head. It's like I can't relax, and there's a tight feeling in my chest, and I'm not even sure how long it's been there.

I wouldn't describe myself as unhappy though, and I still laugh and enjoy some things. Yet I've seen something I can't unsee now, and I keep being floored with a mix of guilt, anxiety (I think) and mild panic about not being the mum I wanted to be, and realising how often I have felt resentful towards my baby instead of sympathetic - e.g. when he's SCREAMING in the car or awake for the billionth time.

We had quite a journey to get our boys, they are so wanted and I can't believe I could possibly feel unhappy about my life with them. I adore them. But I've suddenly realised I'm not quite right. Am I just tired and a bit ground down by day to day life? Has anyone felt like this? How did you know?

Please don't feel guilty for still having your own emotions to deal with, ON TOP OF those caused by your children. That is one of the most important things I realised when struggling with PND, is that it is OKAY to be your own person too, and think things, feel and do things that don't fit in with what you thought parenting would be.

It sounds like you've had an awful lot going on. I don't know what your support network is, but do you ever find time (even just an hour a day) to yourself? A bath, book, glass of wine with your feet up at all? Little things like that are very important. I've found that even just doing the laundry without the baby around can make me feel more like a real person again, than this dragged down mess of a person.

As to PND, please don't make the mistake so many do of thinking that just because you are happy sometimes, you are not suffering from some form of depression or anxiety. I was the same as you, and even though I suffered with depression for years before having a baby, I just didn't even consider that how I was feeling afterwards was that bad. I figured it was how every new parent feels, the exhaustion, the wanting to give up some days, wanting to lash out sometimes.

My suggestion to you would be to make a GP appointment and talk to them. There are so many routes you can go down before you have to consider any time of medication, the first they'll suggest likely being a support group for struggling mums. It might sound like something you don't want to do, but I have made some of my closest friends through a group like that; just being around other mums who aren't afraid to admit they're struggling, aren't afraid to cry to each other, who understand how everyone else is feeling and will LISTEN because they understand.. it's so priceless.

Please talk to your GP about how you're feeling. Just make an appointment concerning your mental health and BE HONEST with your doctor and open-minded to their suggestions. It sounds like you are struggling and while there is nothing to be ashamed of, you'll enjoy parenthood so much more once you can start dealing with how you're feeling.

Remember, any parent who says you're just over-reacting, or doing a bad job of parenting because of the things you've said, is just someone who has never struggled with it and so does not understand. Your own mental health is extremely important in this; happy mum makes a happy baby. xx

Bexus, thank you so much for this kind and thoughtful reply, you've made me well up!

Yes I think I have perhaps being putting everything down to just being tired and busy but maybe there is something else, some anxiety if not depression at least.

No I really never get any time for myself. I'm struggling to relax, switch off and even sleep, which makes me feel worse when I know in an hour or two the baby will wake again. I had a talk with dh the other night and since am trying to do a bit more for me and let go of some of my obsessiveness around staying on top of everything.

That's reassuring about the gp because I do feel funny about it, even though I know I shouldn't and I'd advise anyone else feeling like this to seek some support. I do think part of it is me feeling I'm making too much of it as we all find it hard and I still enjoy a lot of aspects of parenting.

Thanks again and I hope you are doing OK

For me my PND was mostly unexplained and uncontrollable rage. I was so angry all the time.

I also had a lot on my plate with dad being diagnosed with cancer, house move that fell through, baby was awful reflux and sister hospitalised all within 6 months of dd2 being born. I kept putting it down to outside stress but when baby was 8 months I realised it was more than that and eventually got some help.

If you don't feel right then please speak to someone and get some support. It's the most horrible and isolating feeling and it's so much better when you get some TLC and some help. Xx

Thanks littlebee. I can't believe I missed how the anger and negativity creeped up to this level and I've only just realised but I guess that's in part to having so much on and being so tired, similar to your circumstances. I hope you are feeling better now. Am gearing up to go to the gp.

I feel exactly the same. The anger comes out of nowhere but is never directed at my kids. I feel exhausted all the time, I just want to curl up in bed and stay there.

Cranb0rne. It's rubbish isn't it? I don't know when I turned into this cranky witch person but am sure so much of it is down to exhaustion. It's really no fun being beyond tired, and I look like I've aged ten years in eight months! I hope you start to feel better soon, do you think you will talk to your gp?

Totally normal, and you probably have PND.

You have just been through enormous hormonal changes, grown and given birth to a baby, had another huge hormone downshift and gave up sleeping!

It's practically torture. There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a torture device!

First things first - see your GP and take whatever advice they have.

Second, stop taking on work that you have no time for.

Prioritise some time for you each week, away from your children, there is only so much parenting you can do running on empty.

Let things go in the house. Do the minimum and leave it at that.

Ask everyone you can for help. Your parents, siblings, friends. You may be surprised by who will be prepared to come and help!

Self care is the most important part of being a good parent (and not losing the plot).

I am so glad I've seen this post OP. I notice that I react badly to situations when I never used to be this way. Some days my blood can boil over the smallest of things and I feel anger rather than sympathy when my baby or toddler is crazy crying or having a tantrum and then I feel awful. But then I have good days so thought surely this can't be PND and that actually I'm just a shitty person. I co sleep and have been having chest pains in the evening. It could be that I'm not fully relaxing for a subconscious fear of rolling onto baby or something but the thought of it actually being tension from anxiety never occurred to me until now.

I'm going to really tune into my feelings from now and go from there. But thank you for opening my eyes and for showing me I am not alone in feeling this way and nor are you.