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Original poster

Feels like my baby doesn't love me

18 replies

Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 20:34

My DD is 6 weeks old and has started smiling, or so I hear! She smiles at everyone but me and I can't help but feel deflated and upset Sad feels like she doesn't love me. I know I'm probably being a bit dramatic but that's honestly how it feels! Anyone else experienced this?

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peaceloveandbiscuits · 07/12/2016 20:41

You're not being dramatic. Your baby does love you - you're literally the most important person in her life!
I struggled to bond with my DS for a few months so I know just how you feel. Have you spoken to your HV about how you're feeling?

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 20:46

Saw the HV earlier today and she's referred me to psychiatry for PND Sad I feel so low already and this is just a cherry on top! Confused

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amysmummy12345 · 07/12/2016 20:49

I get it!!! My DD is six months old and I always feel that she looks so sad when she's with me Sad but smiles at everyone else...

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peaceloveandbiscuits · 07/12/2016 20:50

Being referred is a positive step because it means you're on your way to feeling better Smile please don't think this is a bad thing or that you'll be judged as a mother. Lots of love to you Flowers how are you sleeping?

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 20:51

It's a horrible feeling isn't it Sad as much as we love the little bastards they can make you feel awful with such a small thing!

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Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 20:53

biscuits all I want to do is sleep Sad my poor DH has had to step up quite a bit since she was born when I'm just too tired to cope

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peaceloveandbiscuits · 07/12/2016 20:56

Good, I'm glad DH is stepping up and doing his bit. Are you breast or bottle feeding? If the latter, make sure he is doing some night feeds so you get a block of sleep at once. If the former, he needs to hold/entertain the baby between feeds so you can sleep.
Have you any family or friends around who can support you? Having a tiny baby is a really difficult, isolating, frightening time, made worse if you don't have people around you to help.
You could ask HV about a referral to Homestart.

ispymincepie · 07/12/2016 20:58

I think all babies do this. They're with you all day and only smile at 'new' faces. Try not to take it personally, I know I did to start with!

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 21:01

biscuits She's bottle fed (a lot of guilt and anxiety related to why this is that I won't get into!) but DH works most days so I have to do the 'night shift' so sleep all evening in preparation for this shift. I've got a great support network of friends and family who are dragging me out of the house most days and keeping in close contact Smile which helps a lot, but only one friend has recently had a baby so a lot of my support don't understand my anxieties but they do their best!

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waterrat · 07/12/2016 21:01

Do you know thst your baby isn't even sure of the difference between herself and you?

She is a 'diad' with you.. is a word scientists use to describe the single entity that is mother and baby. She doesn't need to smile at your because you are her one constant smell and sensation and food source.

Love doesn't come into it.. she is just a part of you.

I do think thst having such negative feelings can be a sign of PND . Why are you worried about the diagnosis ? It's so bloody hard in the early weeks. THe more support uou get the better.

Can your partner take a couple of days off work to help you catch up with sleep?

waterrat · 07/12/2016 21:02

Also. It is really important to have some baby friends. Have you looked up your local NCT coffee morning ?

GameofPhones · 07/12/2016 21:03

Don't want to trivialise, but my dog makes me feel the same. He's always overjoyed to see other people he knows, but I'm apparently taken for granted. Even when I come home, he's more interested in what's in the shopping bag Sad

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 21:06

waterrat unfortunately there is a lot of other symptoms of PND going on that I'll not get into Sad I think I'm worried about it for the same reasons most are, worried about people assuming I'm a bad mum and can never cope Sad

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mistermagpie · 07/12/2016 21:07

My DS was the same, I used to tell everyone he didn't even like me because he smiled for everyone else and always wanted other people.

I can't remember when it changed (it was months though) but he's 16 months old and now he can't get enough of me and will choose me over anyone else. I think these things come in phases and me and my DS just had a 'slow burn' to our love affair rather than an immediate one.

Try not to focus on this though, you're already down and 6 weeks is very early days. A lot of babies (mine included) don't smile at anyone at all so early.

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 21:08

gameofphones lol my dogs are the same!

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peaceloveandbiscuits · 07/12/2016 21:10

If you're bottle feeding then this is great news because all your supportive friends and family can look after the baby while you get some kip during the day!! You've absolutely no need to feel guilty Flowers

Flingmoo · 07/12/2016 21:12

As it's such early days, I wonder if it could be that the baby smells your milk (even if you're not breastfeeding) and that distracts her? Plus the smiling could be a nervous thing or a reaction to something new and surprising - your face is the most familiar face to her so nothing funny about it!

I'm a bit of an armchair psychologist and there's a couple of interesting theories you may find reassuring:

  1. Apparently a lot of human laughter/humour revolves around surprise and the unexpected. Right from hiding your face and saying peekaboo to a baby/toddler, to adult jokes that rely on an unexpected twist as the punchline, most humour comes from something being surprising or unexpected. So going by this theory, your baby may find less familiar faces more entertaining!

  2. It is thought that babies don't actually understand that they're separate human beings until they're about 4-5 months old. So at 6 weeks your baby can't possibly "love" you in the traditional sense as she doesn't even know that you are a separate person. If you think about it, she was part of your body right up until birth. She relies on you for all needs and has no idea that you and her are separate beings. In her mind, the two of you are one Smile But don't worry, she is forming an amazing and special attachment to you even if you don't realise it. It'll be a long time - perhaps over a year or more - before she'll really be able to show her love with purposeful cuddles and kisses but all that time she is developing that love for you.

I hope you get the help you need and are able to 'enjoy' your baby in time. I'm sure you're doing a great job too.

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 07/12/2016 22:31

thanks for your positive words guys Smile its nice to know if all fails there are some lovely people on here to talk to! Flowers

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