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Parenting

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Original poster

Feeling very betrayed by my husband and not sure what to do...any good ideas?

50 replies

Ludditerebellion · 07/12/2016 19:16

We've got into a massive mess over a parenting issue and I'm not sure how to move on. Any constructive advice would be gratefully received.

We went on a long car journey with our 9 yo DD and our 7 yo twins as well as my father in law. My oldest one, who is a bit hormonal and tortured at the moment, especially with feeling thwarted by the other two, had brought a big cushion to lean on. One twin was feeling very uncomfortable and my dh promised we would buy him a travel pillow. When we stopped at a services I went in with twin 1 and looked for a pillow. There were some big animal fluffy pillows which were 2 for 1. I got one for each twin, but nothing for big sister as she already had her pillow ( an old breastfeeding pillow from a beloved aunt that she uses to feed her baby dolls). I brought them back to the car and there were tears from the older one. I explained to her that at that time the younger two needed a pillow and she didn't so on that occasion she didn't get something and they did.

This is how we generally play things, not always exactly the same for every child but giving as and when there is a need. For example, only the week before she had a mini makeover for her room with new bedding, curtains and carpet of her choice and the other two got nothing as they needed nothing.

So maybe this was a poor decision of mine as older daughter is very partial to big fluffy things. My dh did not agree with what I had done and thought I should have bought three cushions. So he challenged my decision in front of everyone. I explained it, he questioned me again. He said over and over 'are you sure you want to do this?' And 'can't you see how upset DD is?' Etc etc. I was shocked and v embarrassed in front of whole family and father in law. He kept going as he was driving and stopped the car at one point to continue to beg me to get out and go and buy a third cushion. I felt cornered and eventually just pleaded with him to stop creating division and to support me. He then said to DD that when we stopped again for our next break he would buy her a cushion himself. I was stunned into silence. At the next stop he did not buy her a cushion. I said nothing and thought that he must have decided it was a bad move. As we were loading up the car again I asked him privately why he hadn't. He said it was because there weren't any in the shop and that he had taken her aside and promised her money instead.

I can't help telling this story in a biased way and I know I didn't make the best decision in the first place. Maybe I am just too angry to see this situation clearly.... am I the one in the wrong?

My Dh is not usually like this but recently our relationship has not been amazing. Our DD is also very delicate at the moment, hence his understandable desire for her not to feel left out.

Since then I have told her that I made a tactless decision and that I am sorry and love her very much etc etc but she has latched onto the evil mother saviour father dynamic and said that she thinks I don't love her any more as even when daddy begged me I didn't buy her a cushion.

Feeling very cut up and confused and would welcome any constructive thoughts.

Sorry for long post.

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 07/12/2016 20:24

How old are your children, OP?

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 07/12/2016 20:40

7,7,9

OP posts:

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 07/12/2016 20:49

He's not clamouring to do the twins room because they are not remotely bothered by it. In fact one of them spent a whole Sunday helping her sister spring clean her room and paint a cupboard.he is right that older DD is much more attuned to her rights and so on.

OP posts:

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ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 07/12/2016 20:50

But by bringing it to her attention in such a ridiculous way, he is feeding that.

NiceFalafels · 07/12/2016 20:51

We do exactly the same. Buy as the needs arise - which often means that we only get essentials for one child. It would be very wasteful and un-environmental otherwise. But also what is your husband teaching your children - that they can throw their weight around to get their own way, that they can be disrespectful in front of extended family. Your DH is making you put to be the bad guy. How is he going to even up the bedroom thing? What s tit he is.

NiceFalafels · 07/12/2016 20:53

So basicly she had a tantrum and your DH backed her up.

Ohdearducks · 07/12/2016 20:58

You're right and he is wrong, he undermined and humiliated you in front of your children and FIL was he putting on some sort of show for his Dad? He's now caused a rift between you and DD because of course she's going to take 'his side' if you like because she wanted a pillow and he stuck up for her! You're right to be livid with him, sounds like he's gas lighting the shit out of you at the moment. His behaviour is awful.

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 07/12/2016 20:58

Yes I suppose that is what it boils down to falafel.

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 07/12/2016 21:01

I have told him how upset I am by what he did but he insists that he was trying to help me to make the right decision.

No, he was trying to make you agree with his decision, not necessarily the right decision. And, based on everything else you've added, he was trying to curry favor with the girl and stay favorite parent and make you the bad parent.

What your DH did is a serious case of parental undermining, and he has made himself look good and magnanimous at your expense. On purpose. I would be livid, absolutely livid. And I would tell him that what he has done is completely out of order. He owes you an apology, and he owes your daughter an apology for letting her think you didn't care, you were wrong, etc, and he needs to tell her he got it wrong.

heebiejeebie · 07/12/2016 21:09

I think there was right on both sides. If you already know that your 9 year old feels pushed out by the twins then you should be careful not to exacerbate that. I think it looks like she had something nice that she was proud of and you got them something better, so that suddenly her nice thing looked a bit crap.

MudCity · 07/12/2016 21:09

You did the right thing OP. Of course you only buy according to need. They will need different things at different times. I think, if the subject comes up again, sitting down with your DD and explaining this in simple terms would be a good idea. Explain that she had a bedroom makeover whereas the twins did not. Just as she has a cushion of sentimental value from her aunt that the twins do not. As previous posters have said, spend some 1:1 time with your DD to try and build a closer relationship - it sounds like she needs you right now.

Of course your DH should have backed you up as you were being entirely reasonable. It is painful when they don't and you must be feeling unsupported. It's hard not to keep a 'book of grudges' isn't it? Observe for a pattern and if it happens again, talk to him directly about it (in private). I wonder whether he was trying to be the big, generous guy in front of his dad....does he want to be seen as 'in charge'...that what he says goes? That he's the nice guy in all this? What was he trying to prove and who to? Would he have done the same if his father wasn't there?

to you.

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 07/12/2016 21:19

I hadn't thought it might be about impressing his dad.

We are already in a big ongoing fight about it unfortunately. He is working away so we are WhatsApping. I'm trying to not get any more over emotional and angry about it than i already am but all these posts are a massive help.

Heebie you are exactly right and I agree with you. She feels that sense of being one upped a lot.

OP posts:

MudCity · 07/12/2016 21:32

End the WhatsApp fight if you can...let things be just as they are even though it feels unresolved and upsetting..I'm not sure you will come to an agreement on this issue. If this is a one-off event, you can and will get past it. If it keeps happening then it will need to be dealt with over time and through face to face communication.

Take some deep breaths OP. You have a lot of support on here and you didn't do anything wrong. You also sound like a lovely person so take heart from that!

NiceFalafels · 07/12/2016 21:35

I think you should spend some time with your DD on her own and make her feel a bit more secure.

heebiejeebie · 07/12/2016 22:37

I think you both did the wrong thing for the right reasons. It feels to me that you are looking for people to tell you that he was a twat so you don't have to feel guilty about ballsing up the cushion thing. I don't think that helps in the long run.

It must be difficult to go from mother of one to mother of one plus 2 tiny babies. Maybe you feel anxious that your eldest felt abandoned in that. Don't beat yourself up, if you are, and don't project that onto him if he doesn't really deserve it. Them having a closer bond since you had the twins doesn't diminish your relationship with her. Don't feel that there is a total amount of love and if he gets more you get less.

Both of you I imagine are striving for a happy balanced family. Fighting over one shit stop in a service station is ignoring the bigger picture - you're both on the same team.

DarkNanny · 07/12/2016 22:46

I wouldn't worry about it to be honest...sounds like there's bigger things going on regardless to a pillow that was a symptom, it isn't helpful to have conflict in front of the children...but children need to see conflict resolution also as for calling out the Father on his bad management stand your ground but accept his view apologise to each other and work out what the real issue is

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2016 22:54

I would be totally livid as well, OP.

But I do think heebie may have a point.

Agree to disagree right now over Whatsapp - nothing good can come of prolonging it over text. Talk about it when the heat has really passed out of it. Try to consider his points. Tell him he could have made those points in a more constructive fashion. Try to give your 9 yr old some one-on-one. Keep reiterating that it's about "need" not arbitrary "fairness". Try not to make it singleton vs twins if at all possible.

Parenting stinks!

Phoebeby · 07/12/2016 23:07

Sorry but id be very embarrassed if one of my dc behaved like that.

PitilessYank · 07/12/2016 23:18

My kids used to fight about who had the most chocolate chips in his/her cookie when they were that age, so I would have bought a pillow for each of them to avoid a big kerfuffle. I bought four of everything for a few years.

As our kids entered their teen years, they really started to individuate much more and now are really not concerned at all with what the others get. In fact, they are quite magnanimous with each other.

I also do not agree that parents must back each other up in front of the kids 100% of the time. There is value in modeling respectful disagreement. I think that your husband had a valid point, and perhaps he felt strongly enough about it that he did not want to be associated with what he felt was a wrong decision?

(I am not saying it was a wrong decision, I don't know you, and I don't know your family. No judgement intended. I just know that on occasion my husband has done or said something vis a vis our kids to which I have felt a need to verbally disagree, in front of the kids, because I did not want to be tacitly agreeing with what was happening.)

heebiejeebie · 07/12/2016 23:32

Pitiless yank - that's beautifully put. I couldn't express that properly so deleted my attempt. I think it's ok to discuss something - so long as you aren't both so frazzled that it spills over into everyone taking up a position.

PitilessYank · 07/12/2016 23:54

Aw, thanks.

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 08/12/2016 00:29

Thanks so much pitiless yank and Heebie very perceptive and balanced thoughts and thanks to all posters lots of really helpful food for thought. It is of course part of a much bigger picture that really needs to be discussed do in some ways getting it out into the open is no bad thing.

Thanks again all for your time and goodnight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 08/12/2016 00:38

Just posted a thank you that disappeared. ....thanks everyone especially the last two posters Heebie and yank.

Lots of great and really helpful responses which I will chew over. Of course the cushion is just a symptom of many other things which I will discuss with dh face to face with a much clearer head thanks to your thoughts.

I really appreciate your time it has been a big help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ludditerebellion · 08/12/2016 00:39

Oh there it is! Two variants on the same post- sorry!

OP posts:

Phineyj · 15/12/2016 18:51

If this behaviour was out of character I think it is likely it harks back to something in his own childhood. I was struck that FIL was there. DH and I bicker a lot more when we are with PIL. I think it's because he behaves slightly differently to normal at those times and it freaks me out.

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