4 year old driving me around the bend with toilet issues

[LittleBee23]

My four year old daughter toilet trained easily at 2.5. We didn't have any issues out of the ordinary with the toilet and she was trained within a few weeks.

However the past year she has been getting increasingly difficult. She refuses to go to the toilet even when she's desperate and waits til the last minute and then realises it's coming out and then starts screaming that she needs and wants someone to take her.
It's resulting in more and more accidents as she gets older instead of less. Bribes don't work, gently cajoling doesn't work, lifting her and putting her on results in lying on the floor tantrums.

It's becoming an absolute nightmare and she's now peeing herself in nursery and at my mum's too. I'm at my wits end.

She's also still in a pull up at night. We've tried taking them aWay but after three nights of soaked bed I decided to put her back in pull-ups.

She doesn't seem embarrassed when she pees herself, she seems to find it funny.

That sounds really stressful...

I presume you've thought about a UTI/checked with GP in case? If it hurts when she wees then that might be a reason for her not wanting to go.

Otherwise, if she seems to be finding her accidents funny, my first thought was whether you have accidentally ended up with a situation where she is getting a reaction from you that she finds enjoyable/rewarding? What do you do when she has an accident? Or when she comes home from your mum/nursery and she's had an accident? It sounds like she is getting a lot of your attention by messing about - you've mentioned bribes, cajoling, lifting her onto the toilet. Then presumably there's changing clothes etc. If you're confident she is capable of knowing when she needs to go and getting herself to the toilet, my instinct would be to ignore any fussing/accidents as far as possible, with just a calm change of clothes if necessary (keep her on a wooden floor if poss) and then if she does go in the toilet give her lots of attention then?
Also, can you set up situations where she is doing fun activities (ideally with you), and a quick trip to the toilet takes her out of the activity for a short period of time, but if she has an accident she will have to stop doing the activity for longer while she is changed/accident cleared up. So although you are staying calm she can see the disadvantage of having an accident for herself if that makes sense?

It might be that none of that is helpful but just some thoughts. Good luck!

Thanks for replying.
It definitely seems to be behavioural rather than medical. She has said in the past that she doesn't 'like' going to the toilet as she's worried she'll miss out on something like tv programme, playing with her sister etc. I always pause something if I'm asking her to go to the toilet to take that element away. I usually try and get her to go to the toilet at natural breaks like before breakfast, snack time, dinner, leaving the house but it becomes so stressful trying to get out to work in the morning as she point blank refuses to go for a pee. She does the same for my mum too and gets so aggressive with it.
I genuinely believe it's a control thing. She doesn't like being asked to go to the toilet but she won't go of her own volition until she's desperate as she doesn't want to stop what she's doing.
I've explained we need to go to the toilet before snack,meals etc as then we'll be drinking more and we need to empty our 'bag' to make room. She also doesn't get to eat dinner or have her snack etc until she's used the toilet and washed hands etc.

She understands perfectly which is why I think it's a control thing. She's horribly stubborn and hates being asked to do anything 😩🔫 I've tried giving her choices she can make like picking clothes for nursery and she gets to choose dinner for the family on a Tuesday night etc so she feels she has a bit of control without her ruling the roost but nothing seems to work. Tried a reward chart and that didn't work.

The only time she happily pees is straightf after she's gone to bed when she wants an excuse to get out of bed so that's why I don't think it's medical either. It seems to be the only card she can play where she knows she can hold us to ransom which is why I just started lifting her onto the toilet to take the element of her controlling the situation away.

I feel so sad as she was such a happy, chilled baby and now she's such a difficult child and I always feel like everything is a battle and she's always angry ☹️️