MIL issues. is it just me??

[MYA2016]

I really don't know where to go with this. MIL is terminally ill. We don't know how long she has left. I've had an on/off relationship over the years.
We had our first baby this year and there have been a few fall outs since. She is a very bitter person and resented me for wanting my mum at the birth etc.
MIL looks after ds 1 day a week but every week she goes against things I've asked her. She won't get him to sleep when he wants it, won't feed him at his times etc.
And yesterday I was tipped over the edge. I was showing her photos of him with his advent calendar trying chocolate for the first time (a big thing for me hence the pics) and she laughed and told me its not the first time as she's been giving him buttons for months. This is despite me and dh reiterating weekly that she's not to feed him anything we haven't supplied yet especially chocolate.
I asked if she was kidding and she then goes off on a rant about how she doesn't have long left and therefore if she wants to spoil and treat him she will.
Dh is caught in the middle due to the circumstances he doesn't want to upset her but my wishes as a parent aren't being respected

I feel upset at the situation and really am unsure where to go from here. Is it just me being massively oversensitive about it all??

Terminal or not, my baby wouldn't be with her unsupervised again.

Some of the stuff yanbu with the birth etc but you cannot dicate what she does when she has him for you regarding set meals etc. I would pick your battles more carefully. I would love it if my mil would have my kids but unfortunately we don't have childcare to have a break.

If you are not happy with her following her own rules then don't leave your child with her.

I going out on a limb and I maybe very wrong but is she terminally ill or does she have a life shortening illness? Is she well enough to look after a small child.

Whilst I appreciate your frustrations with her, you are being very PFB about the advent calendar.

I'm working 4 days, he's going to nursery 3 days and her the other. She wanted desperately to have him and also it helps us out with costs too which is why this is making it so awkward .
Heirhelp - she has secondary cancer that has spread to most organs now. They can't cure it but theye have got it to a level where the tumours are small and she feels well in herself. She has a holiday planned for next year which the oncologist encouraged her to book. When her health begins to deteriorate ds will be going to SIL

My gran is in the same situation with terminal cancer which is managed I let her do whatever with the kids she wont get to see them grow up so 1 day a week she wants to spoil them rotten I let her. If I knew I had a limited time I wouldn't be worried about nap times either in all honesty.

In a couple of years she wont be here so it wont matter

I agree with kiki22, chocolate once a week isn't going to do him any harm - even is she weren't terminally ill, it would be very harsh to stop a grandparent from spoiling their grandchild in that way. It's only chocolate! And I would only worry about the nap times if it impacts badly on night time sleep. I think you are being very precious. Let her spoil him and enjoy her time with him, that's what grandparents are there for.

You have 2 choices, you either find alternative childcare or suck it up.

I think you're being vvvvv unreasonable. When your ds grows up he will be glad he got to spend some time with his gran and not whether he had naps or buttons. You are really lucky to be able to provide this chance for your ds to spend time with his gran.

This would upset me too. Personally I think it's a question of respect - you've made a reasonable request not to give him chocolate which is easy to comply with but she's choosing deliberately to ignore. I can understand that she wants to enjoy the time she has left with him but it won't be any richer or more enjoyable by feeding him chocolate buttons.

Then again I don't think there is much you can do given the guilt card she's playing as you'll end up the bad guy either way. Stopping her seeing him would be extreme especially given the illness and it's not worth getting into a conflict over the odd bit of chocolate.

If you want to take the advantage of childcare, paid or not, it means having to leave many things out of your control and you have to pick your battles.

Don't get me wrong, I would feel just the same in your position. I get infuriated with my MiL as she lets DD run around with her dummy even though she knows full well we only give it to her to sleep. When challenged the reply is "But she asked for it!". And when she asks me I'm the mean mummy who says no! At the end of the day, GPs are the ones who get to spoil the children and the DPs are the ones who have to set rules and enforce boundaries.

At the end of the day, GPs are the ones who get to spoil the children and the DPs are the ones who have to set rules and enforce boundaries.

Well said!