Am I just an overprotective mum?

[ThereWereFlowersOnTheWall]

I don't like hate other people taking my ds (15months) out without me. Single mum, another year at uni, mum, sister, or Nursery take care of ds when I'm working. It took me a while to feel comfortable leaving ds with anyone without me being there at all, going back to uni meant I had no choice and I accepted that. Now if my mum or sister mention getting a car seat so they can take ds out I get really annoyed and jealous. I know it's irrational but it hasn't settled and I would go as far as to call in sick if they had made plans to go out with ds when they were looking after him. I don't know if I'm scared of not being there if something happens, or if I'm just not wanting to miss anything, but I need help to overcome this

I feel like everything regarding ds is up to me and I enjoy being a mum and taking care of him, and I want to take him to these places and have those memories I don't want someone else to take that from me. I feel really protective and panic if I don't hear from the person caring for him when I'm at work. I don't like people changing the food I give him or introducing new things, or buying things I wanted to get him, not with everything but important milestone type toys. My mum refuses to tell me what she's bought him for Christmas she said it's a surprise, this really annoys me I feel like she's trying to control things and disrespecting me even though I know that's how I'm acting. It's just a deep rooted feeling I have where it makes me feel sick to think of someone else doing things I feel I should do

You sound as though you feel guilty for pursuing your education rather than being with your child full time. I believe you shouldn't feel this way.

Your post makes me wonder if there are underlying issues with your other and control. Is this new since you've had your child, or does it have a history?

It also sounds as though you have good support to pursue your education and have your child looked after.

Most mothers are "over" protective.

should be your Mother, not Other.

And is the father in the picture at all?

No (wo)man is an island.

Yes. Step back and appreciate what all the people in your and your son's life are doing for you. If you continue down this road, you will alienate your support network and ultimately harm the wider social benefits that your son is currently enjoying.

You're his mum. You will always see the progress first. Don't damage the fantastic and necessary socialisation your ds is getting by being niggardly with his upbringing.

Sadly I would describe myself as controlling since having ds. History: I didn't bond well with ds when he was born it took a good couple of months and frequent visits from hv but never needed medication or had a pnd diagnosis. I found my parents very overwhelming always wanted to see ds and I cut them off for two months because I wanted time for me and ds to bond, got called all sorts for this selfish act but I felt I needed to for my own sanity. Four months in I left my ex (ds's dad) after years of emotional, and some physical abuse. My parents took us in and we've been here for a year. I have another year to complete uni then hoping to move out just me and ds. I feel like people have tried to control things from the beginning and I've fought back by cutting them out, I've been told several times I use ds as a weapon and that makes me feel awful. I love ds so much and just want to be a good mum, I don't want other people telling me I'm doing it wrong, or I'm not good enough, or how they did it differently and there way is right. My parents and sister are a good support and I couldn't complete my course without them, I feel with ds everyone's taking over and I can't help myself but to get angry at them and if I'm really upset il say something like he's my baby not yours in between tears. I don't mean to be horrible I feel so protective of him and people not respecting my wishes

So.. They are your support, but they are taking over?
Who is telling you that you are doing it wrong?

I felt the same op. I absolutely get it. Wanting to see all the firsts, do all the first experiences whether it be the first reaction to seeing a duck at the pond to trying new foods or visiting Santa. Its not right that other people change the rules and do things with your ds without telling you. As for the Christmas toys you can always warn her if anything is the same as what you end up getting she can keep the receipt for returns. Its not your fault she won't tell you what it is she has bought.

The difference between your dm trying to control things is different to you being in control because its your child and your responsibility to control things to an extent for his good.

How old are you op? 19-23?

If it'a bothering you that much then give up your Uni degree and look after your son full time?
I'd imagine that if you're jealous about your Mum (or other family member) getting a car seat for your DS to take him out then it isn't worth the stress for them or you really.

just read your update. I have done exactly the same and told I used DD as a weapon and yet had I not cut contact god knows where I would have ended up. I ended up in therapy. People throw the child as a weapon whenever there is a child within a 20 mile radius these days.

💐🍫

It's hard to live at home again once you've left, I can't imagine trying to bring up a child in that situation. The dynamic would not suit me at all and I'm a lot older than you (well, I'm in my 40's and you sound young) and I'm not adverse to telling people to bugger off - but it's difficult when they're helping so much.

I'd look to see what other options there are - a flat share maybe?

Try not to worry about them taking DS to do stuff and wanting to be the one to do everything first. Little people are fantastic like that, they can take him to feed the ducks for the first time, you canntake him a week later and it's like the first time all over again! They're just so excited & loving the moment - try to do the same. It's not fair to expect them to stay home all the time. OTOH I'd expect them to have SOME SENSE & leave some 'firsts' for you.

We remember very very little, if anything, from our early years. Specifics really don't matter. What 'hard wires' us are the feelings. Feelings if being loved and cared for. Try to avoid causing tension at home. Try to tell them when things annoynyou, without getting upset. You might have to rethink about how you speak to them, try to create an adult to adult atmosphere rather than adult & child...it's not easy I know. I'm still trying to get my mum to understand that though I might be her child, I'm not 'A child' and as I say, I'm in my 40's 😫

You are going to be DS's one & only Mummy forever, they cannot replace you. Hang onto that x

It's hard to explain. They are my support because without them we would have been in a refuge after I left ex. Without them I wouldn't have been able to go back to uni. But at the same time, they take over in the sense that they do there own thing when I've said the opposite, and I completely appreciate that it's normal for people to give advice etc but it's like when I feel disrespected I get really upset and have no way of stopping it, no one has to do much wrong and il get defensive and it seems irrational. I've been told from the beginning by my mum mainly that I'm doing things wrong, wether it be how often people saw ds, what food I gave ds, where I breastfed, how I held him, what toys I was looking at buying him. Now it's getting to the point where I don't want anyone taking him out if I'm not there it seems a little much and family make comments that he needs to get out more not cooped up all day, then I take it as I'm not a good mum because I don't take him out enough, then I get upset because my parenting s questioned and everything's taken so personally automatically.

I can't give up uni because then I can't provide for ds now or in future, I will end up on benefits and I want to earn my money and show an example to ds. I'm not meaning to cause anyone stress or be horrible to anyone, i feel like I am replaceable, that someone else could do a better job than me, and I don't want that I want to be a good mum, I don't understand why I feel like this

In terms of your original post: yes, you're being overprotective and you're stopping DS from having fun. Most people wouldn't like to be shut up inside all day, and at 15 months he's at about the right age to start enjoying things like parks and farms. which do you really think is better: he gets to try new things and spend time outside with his granny, or he doesn't get to do them at all?

However, looking at your other posts, I think that you need to have a talk with your mum about the fact that YOU are his mother and you are the one who gets to make the decisions. She's already had her chance to bring up children, now it's your go.

Try to remember that it's only temporary, and that, like a PP said, you will always be his mummy x

I think it's great that you're wanting to tackle this because I can see this road leading to you being one of those MILs and actually ending up isolated from your child when they're an adult.

Good luck with finding that balance.

Love, everything you said in your second post, I got from your first post 💐

You're in a horrible position being dependant on them to help you while you get your degree and the cost is high (emotionally), but it will be worth it.

You feel like this because your Mum has spent the last year or so undermining you. She's spent more time telling you that you are doing things wrong, than giving you confidence that you're doing things right. That's a failure on her part, not yours.

I think that due to the situation you might be taking some things personally when they're not, for example them saying he shouldn't be cooped up all the time, they might just mean when they have him, not implying you don't take him out.

YOU are his Mum. YOU are NOT replaceable - you never will be. No one can do a better job of being his Mummy than you!

I don't know how to help you relax with wanting to do everything for/with DS and not being able to relax about them taking him out etc. I do wonder if it's worth getting checked out for PND again. It manifests itself in different ways & can be pretty awful, but does get better if you get some meds to even out the hormones & get you back to normal.

In a bit over a year hopefully you'll have your degree and can start working & move out.

Princessmoana. FGS. She's got a 15 month old baby and an overbearing mother. It's total codswallop saying she'll be one of those MIL's...fgs.

Remember you will always be the most important person in your DS's life no matter where your Mum or Sister take him.

In the end of the day he is your child so your decision is final.

However that said, it only benefits your child to have a strong relationship with his Grandmother and Aunt.

To a certain extent, if you ask someone else to do childcare then you are relinquishing control but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Your DS is very young. At this stage it feels like every decision and experience is huge and critical to his development and well being. When actually they aren't really on an individual basis.

Learn to pick your battles. Decide which are your lines in the sand and stick to them and try to flexible with other things.

It must be very difficult living at home. Focus on getting your degree and a good job. Once you have your own home it will be easier to have some perspective.

In the meantime concentrate on being grateful for the support your family is giving you and enjoy your DS with them. He loves you best but that does mean he doesn't love them too.