How can I help a friend who is really struggling?

[SuffolkingGrand]

NC recently as I was outed a while ago with a fairly identifying incident.

Friend of mine - first time parent - is really struggling with her new baby (3 mths) and I want to support her the best I can without being the patronising 'been there, seen that' parent.

The child barely sleeps and when it is not asleep it shrieks. Really shrieks. Parents end up apologising for the baby and leaving early when we meet them. They seem to be at their wits end.

HV and GP seem to say that it's a phase but that doesn't really seem to help as she needs some practical coping strategies in the meantime. Doesn't seem to be a medical issue or problem iyswim. It seems that the whole situation is making her very anxious and that this affects the way she is able to deal with the sleeplessness and the crying.

Any suggestions on how best to support a friend in this situation? If you're in this kind of scenario, how would you like best for your friends to help??

TIA xxx

Offer to sit for them so they can have a night out. Or take baby got few hours during the day so they can catch up on sleep?

Thank you - very helpful. Have however made these offers a few times but friend is reluctant to take them up, not just from me but generally from others too. She says she's embarrassed to leave her baby with someone else and sees herself as a failure for not being able to handle things. We've had long chats about it all and I and others have encouraged her to take up these offers when they're made and also to seek extra help from HV and GP. It's really sad and tricky and she doesn't have much support from family or others nearby. Maybe we really ought to be man-handling her into bed for a nap and wrestling the baby into a buggy and walking out of the door with it, whatever she says...

If she's not ready/ able to leave the baby with you for several hours, start smaller. Look after the baby in her house for half an hour while she has a bath. Take the baby out for a walk for half an hour. When she is happy and reassured, build up from there

I have DC3 who is almost 6 months and he went through a terrible phase like this at about the same age (other 2 DC didn't) and it was awful. It was very stressful going places as it was so embarrassing him screaming so much, being unable to settle him, etc.
It lasted about 6 weeks I think (felt like forever at the time) and since he has been a really chilled and content baby.

What I found most helpful was a couple of friends who didn't let it phase them so just saying 'oh it's so hard when they won't settle, isn't it', rather than people asking 'have you tried......?, do you think he's in pain?,etc as that made me feel like I should be doing something and made me feel more anxious. Someone said to me 'you're so, so good with him, so patient' which was lovely as I felt like I was rubbish as he was so unsettled.

I found that baby was at his least worst when I didn't try to pass him round too much. I found the more people that held him/tried different things to settle him just got him more wound up. Or if I kept trying different things (like feed, then rock him, then wind then different position) it seemed to make it worse, where as if I just walked with him in one position and let him cry he would settle much more quickly. It was hard though as I'd be doing that and people would be saying 'does he want feeding? Do you think he's got wind? Let me try holding him, etc'

Like your friend, I didn't want anyone to take him either (not even for 10 minutes)! I felt he needed to be with his mum especially as he was so upset. People did offer and it made me a bit stressed to be honest, like I had no right to complain as I was choosing not to take up the offer of help! I just couldn't have left him being so upset without his mum. I even used to feel stressed when DH had him while I had a bath! I am so glad now though that I insisted no one took him as I feel like I did the right thing being there when he needed me the most.

I found lots skin to skin helpful (even if not breastfeeding) and a sling was really useful.

Best thing you can do-just tell her she's doing great.

You sound like a lovely friend.

I have one like this.

I also live abroad and have no friends or family support so I think you are wonderful.

Start small. Go round, hold baby, tell her to go to bed while you take it out for a walk. Reiterate a trillion times that the shrieking isn't an issue and that you understand and that she should just go to bed/sit and read etc.
Take baby out. Half an hour if that's all she can cope with. Longer if you can. Do it regularly. Keep in touch, keep being a shoulder to cry on, keep giving her those odd hours here and there. There's no need to press her to take a whole night - really just an hour or so of quiet would do me the world of good.

The best advice I hear is along the lines of 'that sounds really tough. You're doing great. We tried x and it worked. Everything is a phase.'
Someone random said to me 'he's so lucky to have such a patient mum, you're doing such a good job.' And it made a shit day much better.

If she's reluctant to have you babysit, just offer to do things with her - go out, go round, whatever. A friend of mine had a similar experience and I think she found it very isolating, not least because she herself found it embarrassing to be out/with other people. If you can be completely relaxed and untroubled by the shrieking, I bet she'd welcome the chance to have some positive adult company. You are very thoughtful!

Thank you all. It's helpful to see it from her side and to understand that reassurance is just as helpful as direct action. Xx

You sound like a lovely friend. If she's not happy to hand over the baby and, as others have said, has tried all sorts of coping strategies then just accept that she needs to take responsibility for her baby herself, however you can probably be a massive help by taking other pressures off her - maybe drop her off a good, home cooked meal, do an hour's ironing, run the hoover around, if she'll let you. Then she can focus on her priority more easily, perhaps.

You do sound lovely, what a great friend. Maybe you could take her a festive coffee if she's into them, or a nice cake, and she could sit and relax for a few minutes while you hold the baby? Or offer to make her lunch or something? I would have really appreciated little gestures. I don't think you'd come across as patronising. Hope Santa brings you something nice!

Make tea! My DD was like this and my favourite thing was friends coming round, making me a cup of tea and then just sitting and chatting to me in spite of the crying. It made me feel like me and not isolated and lonely. :)