Do we have enough space? How much harder is it with 2?

[themessedup]

We have a 20 mo DS who's a bit of a handful like I imagine all toddlers are.
I'm a fairly young mum (early 20s) and have not made a career for myself yet (I want to in the future) so we think it would make sense to have another DC now/soon and that way I could focus on the DCs all in one go and over the next few years steadily try to ease myself into the career/field I want to get into so I'm more or less established by the time they're in school/nursery.

So here's what it's kind of boiling down to for me ATM:

• I feel like I already struggle a bit with the 1 DS and don't know if I'll be able to cope with 2 ... I feel that I lack patience at times and general "mum" skills but both of us have always wanted more than 1 DC . Is having 2 A LOT harder?

• I feel we are kind of tight on space our house consists of a small kitchen (you walk into when you enter the house), a small lounge

and upstairs our bedroom, a tiny bathroom which doesn't even have enough room for a bath just a shower and DSs room which is a tiny box room. DP thinks it'll be a bit tight but we'll be fine as the first 6 months to a year the new baby would be in our room with us anyway and then we can get a special bunk bed for DS who'd be around around 3/3.5 at the time and have a cot for LO underneath it. I'm concerned moving a new baby into DSs room will mess up DSs sleep pattern and I'm really happy with it now as he is sleeping through the night ( I know it's a small issue but it's important to me). DP is hoping within the next 5 - 7 years we can buy somewhere bigger and we will have enough space for us all and for now we will just have to make it work.

I don't really want to wait until then to have another DC as I don't want a big age gap between them.

I'm generally just worried it'll be really tight and cluttered and that overall me and DP will loose out on 'our time' which we desperately need and I'll just be thrown into full time mum mode and never have any down time.
DP thinks we should get through it all now and work hard and build a good future for us all.

Opinions? Advice?
Thanks

If you want to be more or less established by the time they go to school, then you're talking about needing childcare.

I think that's a much more important thing to consider than space tbh. Can you afford it?

Are you able to move to move somewhere bigger but maybe in a cheaper area? It does sound a bit tight

I've got 20 months between my two. It was exhausting but I'm so glad I did it. You don't need much space when they're little and hopefully by the time they're older you will be on your career path and can get a bigger house. You will miss out on time for you and dp but that's life really. You will find ways to make time if you want to. And actually I found in some ways it wasn't that much harder than having one. For the first year it was still my toddler who was harder work while the baby got tucked under my arm and we just got on with stuff. Now they're older I still love that we have a small age gap and they entertain each other.

Thankyou for all the replies!
no there is no option to move for the next few years.
ATM childcare is fine as the grandparents are happy to help. The job I'm looking at should fit nicely around their school times anyway so it shouldn't be too much of an issue crosses fingers
I am worried about being permanently tired though as I end up being really down... but another side of me is just telling me to do it all at once and be done with it (in the nicest way possible).

You might want to report your post to ask for it to be moved to 'parenting'

This is the family planning topic - as in contraception

About that size gap between our two. I found two little ones at once really hard work. In your position I'd wait, but it depends so much on your personal preferences and situation. I don't see that having a baby in a few years would inhibit most careers.

Thanks lizard will do.

Don that's what I'm afraid of that life will just be a battleground with two so close together ..

I'm in the thick of it at the moment with a 2 yo and a 3 mo. At this stage, it's a lot of work, exhausting and relentless. But I'm still convinced a small age gap pays off when they're older (hopefully not much older or it will be a really long slog!!). So if you feel you are already struggling with your toddler, I'd say no, don't do it. The baby won't be a big challenge in itself, but the combination of both might be too much.

My career played a major part in our decision to have two close together, and I still think taking two career breaks is worse than just taking one longer one, especially if you haven't worked in the field you want to get into it is a great advantage knowing you won't be taking any breaks.

Can't really advise you on the space issue because DS 2 is still sleeping with us. We are planning to put them in a room together though - many people do so it must be possible!

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. It is relentless - baby is teething and keeping me up at night whilst toddler no longer naps in the day . On the plus side, he is helpful around the house, they play together happily and I get some breathing space when he is at the school nursery. The slightly longer age gap also means we have potty trained him, so only one set of nappies to deal with.

In terms of space...you will never have enough space. We have an open-plan three bed house and I wage a constant battle against clutter and toys, so there is a floor to walk on. You really have to be ruthless about offloading clothes and equipment the minute the kids have finished with them. The bedroom space is a non-issue as we all seem to end up sleeping together anyway by 3am. Bunk beds are a good idea and it's worth remembering that they will have different bedtimes, so the baby should (in theory) be asleep when you go to tuck up the older one.

All sounds a bit of a struggle and depressing to be honest. You don't have children close together to get it all out of the way quickly so you can carry on with your career! you have them when you feel mentally and physically able to cope and it will be mutually enjoyable for both parents and existing/future children, ( as much as parenting can be enjoyable lol). Don't get sucked into the idea that they will grow up best buddies if you have them close together either. Rarely happens. If you end up really down now can you imagine how that will be with another demanding baby?
You are very young still for all this domestic drudgery, there's plenty of time for a second xx

Thanks for all the insight!

It's strange with my toddler sometimes I find it really hard and at other times he's the cutest little boy in the world and even tries to help in the house in his own little ways (e.g. Put his yogurt pot in the bin , passes me the other shoe to put on etc etc)
Thinking about it I think what overwhelms me is if the house gets messy and I just can't focus on DS properly or anything in particular jk

Glitter I understand what you're saying, I think I really want one sooner rather than later especially as my DP is older than me and I wouldn't like him to be much older when our 2nd comes along. It's not to carry on with my career, the idea is to brush up/ get up to date on my qualifications when they are growing up/little and get into the field I want to be in once they go to school/nursery so I'm doing something for myself too and not sat at home every day.

Two is harder, no doubt. One means you can still do things, have better holidays, do childcare swaps very easily - you can (just) fit your kid into your lifestyle. Two means you are a more of a mum first and foremost (unless rich enough to have help). Holidays are family holidays so forget going on exciting adventures (again unless rich) like my friends with one kid do. Childcare and extracurricular costs go up a lot. Laundry goes up loads more too. And there is more bickering than fun cooperation between most siblings I know.

But I longed for my second and would not be happy without her. She completed me and makes me laugh every day. She made me a more chilled-out parent, too. So for me it was an easy choice. For you it sounds really really tight. I think I would get into a job now if I were you and have a second later. The advantages of doing it now just don't sound convincing enough.

If you only want two, then close together is good. Short term pain for long term gain. I only wanted two and then had 2 under 2.

I have a bloody big house and find it no great advantage tbh, it's still the same spot they tip their toy box out onto every day. They spend all their time in the kitchen anyway cos they like the company and to chatter to us incessantly

I find storage solutions very helpful and have gone a bit mad with various desk divider things for kitchen counters and lots of plastic bins of various sizes for their shit. It's very soothing to be able to put stuff away in its proper box.

The main problem is clothes. It is insane how much space two tiny peoples clothes take up. Not even folded, but drying. That's by far the biggest space sucker. 4 people's clothes drying every single day during the winter. Our laundry seemed to double after #2 - god knows why.

So that's something to think about in practical terms.

Ah yes the laundry I still remember how shocked I was when DS was born and I had to do a new load everyday like
He was only a tiny little thing who knew he could create so much laundry in a day!

I'm sorry but to me it reads like you're not ready for another one, in your own words you struggle as it is, and I think you want more me or us time. There is absolutely no doubt that having a second now will make it a lot tougher in the short term. Words like " be done with it" are very telling.

I'd focus on your qualifications now, and when you're ready you'll know. Choosing to have another child and all that's going to entail when you don't really want it isn't a good plan, it will damage all of you.

Just sit down and discuss honestly with your partner, having a second child when you're not a hundred percent sure, or even being pregnant and dealing with a toddler is going to be hard and you need to really want it.

I was quite young having DC1 and have been retraining since she was born (now 3.5). About a year ago I had a real wobble that we should have number two but I'm glad we decided against it. I think you might be better focusing on your career and DC1 then wait until you are in a better position to have number two. I think bigger age gaps are lovely.
Don't underestimate how much having space / money can help.

Plus retraining with one has been tough at times but generally fine, I have no idea how I would have managed to find the money for childcare / energy to do it with two DC. I think you should have a second baby because he or she is desperately wanted and needed not to get it over with.

It is a tough decision though but I think if time is on your side there is nothing wrong with waiting until DC1 is that bit older and you are in s position to really enjoy having another child. Good luck with whatever you decide