How can i stop losing rag with children?

[ellajellybelly]

Hello everyone
First time poster here (and this is a bit of a long one, so sorry about that) but just wondered if any of you can suggest ways that I can stop shouting at and getting irritated with, children. It's not major shouting - but just getting cross with them a lot of the time.
We've got two girls, 6 and 3, and youngest can be a bit whingey(sp?)and they do argue with each other a lot - mostly sparked off by youngest who wants to do everything older one does and wants to do it better. So older one gets stroppy and it goes on and on.
Sometimes, esp. at weekend, it just feels like you're gritting your teeth 90% of the time and it drives me and husband bananas. Whoever's doing the looking after at the time gets cross with children and then that backlashes onto partner so we all start feeling cross with each other. I've tried putting girls into separate rooms when they're arguing and that makes it a bit better - and sometimes we just let them get on with it and say sort it out between you - which sometimes works, but often doesn't and ends up with one of them howling or hitting. It makes my tummy go into a knot inside because what i want to be a nice time/day/minute ends up with us all feeling grumpy! And then sometimes i see mums in the park talking to their grumpy children and they sound sooo nice - and i feel guilty because i can be such a cow.
Phew! feel better already! thanks

Not much advice I'm afriad Ellajellybelly (great name!) - but big sympathies. I also have two girls (aged 3) and the description of your day sounds much like mine at the moment. I feel very guilty when I look at them asleep in bed and think what a grump I've been, but it is very very hard to stay patient and reasonable all day.

I work part-time and I was sooo happy to come to work today - at least no-one cries because their drink is in the wrong cup!

dear ellajellybelly (love your name btw!) all i can say is what my ds1's nursery teacher said to me when i felt overwhelmed. she said that basically children hold up a mirror to your own behaviour and you are their whole world. you have to teach them to manage their emotions by modelling the behaviour you want them to copy.i know this can be very tricky and i had to change my reactions/responses and become very polite and respectful not just of my children but between me and my dh (no point doing this if you then act differently with dh). had very dramatic turn around, it does work, you have to really engage with them, play with them, talk about taking turns. thank them afterwards and say how pleased you are and happy that dd1 let you have a play of her doll etc. prepare her and say now its dd's2 turn -reassure her she won't break it and then lots of praise and give it back. explain to your dd1 that dd2 wants to copy her as that is how she is learning - tell dd1 she is dd2's teacher. when they have learnt the tools for taking turns (word 'sharing' a bit of an abstract word - i was told not to use it) hopefully you will be able to stand back when they have an argument and they should be able to work it out for themselves - takes a while but worth it. good luck x

Hi ellajellybelly ! I wish i had the magic answer, I seem to be a full-time grumpy moo with my 3, mainly the older 2 (10 & 12). My DD is 22 months so she's pretty hard to get mad or stay mad with ! I just wanted to say 'Hi' and tell you that your aren't alone !

Hugs
NDP

also forgot to add about reinforcing the 'positive'- taking away threats, humiliation (if you don't tidy up by the count of 3 your going straight to bed etc.) instead of saying 'no', 'don't' try and work out when they can do. its all about independencea at this stage. my ds1 wanted to help cook birthday cake the other day. i told him it wasn't safe for him to be near the cooker but he could help me mix in butter, sugar etc. hope this makes sense
shrub

Hi Ellajellybelly
I've got 2 dd's - 7 and 3 - and that could be my description of a day.

I am currently reading "how to talk so that children listen and how to listen so that children talk" - would reccommend it.

I stepped back last weekend after feeling exactly as you describe. DD1 is fairly placid whilst DD2 has a shorther fuse and will not give in. I found that I become more "authoritarian" with DD2 which in turn makes her dig her heels in even more and so the cycle sprials downhill. The book (and I'm only a short way into it) has helped me with this so far.
As far as the arguing goes we are enforcing that if they cannot play without arguing then they do something seperatly.
DD2 always wants DD1 to play with her when she comes home form school - DD1 wants to chill out in formt of telly and so the arguement starts...

Both my DD's are near perfect (well DD2 is getting there) when on their own!!
Good luck!

Shrub - yes! enhancing the positive - that is exactly what I'm doing/trying to do!

Thanks for comments. Generally I do try and enhance the positive - but you know how it goes - if you're a bit knackered after work or one of them is particularly obstinate - and both girls are very determined... my mind has to go into instant whirring overtime when giving a reason why something can't happen instantly - then i start to be a bit snappy. And Shrub - you're right that they mirror parents' behaviour. We're not grumpy all the time, but stresses of work/money/trying to move house etc have probably made us both grouchier.

yep - we've just moved house after nearly 3 years of looking/being gazumped/scarey surveys/withdrawing offers/homes being withdrawn/waiting for the crash that didn't happen - i absolutely know what your going through! absolute bloomin nightmare! remember when its all over that it will be worth it. both my ds's are so much happier now(ds1's nursery teacher said recently he seems much more settled). i hope you get the house you want - is it far away?

We haven't found one yet! Although we have, and then our chain broke down so we were out of the running and someone else got the house...but now our house has sold again but there's nothing on the market that gives you that 'yesss' feeling....and meanwhile our price limit is going up and up and up. It makes me feel manic! But there's still no reason that we should be taking it out on the twinkles.

What i should have said, shrub, is blimey! Three years???

yes - i've blocked it out (we lived with my parents aswell for the 1st 18 months)we waitedor the sellers to find something plus afer the first year my dh's work annonced it was relocating, so we had to withdraw from one house we were buying and look in the new area. all i can say is now its all behind us it was worth all the tears and frustration. go for the worst house in best street. we ended up going for an interest only mortgage abbey) on £100,000 it costs £325 per month and when we are ready we can pay £30 switching fee onto repayment mortgage.. it was 5 times dh's salary !! but since we've moved he's had a payrise so now down to 4 times ratio. hang in there. if you know where you want to live handwrite a 100 postcards and pop them through the doors. there is always someone thinking of selling - and if sucesssful ask for discount as they will save estate agents fees.you will be in no chain - the worlds your oyster

just thought of something else that may help with house hunting. even if house is say £20 grand over what you can afford, if it needs work on it put an offer on, stress to the surveyor your areas of concern and you think it might be overpriced, maybe even pay for medium or most expensive survey so they look at everything. the survey report might then drop the value of house because of damp/woodworm/roof/electrics etc. give sellers a photocopy of report and highlight new value of house and reasons why they should drop - stress that if they put it on market again the same problems will crop up and you are in no chain! the only reason i know of this evil ploy is our buyer did this to us 3 years ago and we did it to the people we bought our house from.
good luck

very crafty - i bet it works everytime - although heaven knows what a surveyor would turn up in our house!

ellajellybelly - my alternative stepford mum persona comes out and whilst the real me is thinking - just one more noise and I am going to strangle you you whingly little brat' - the stepford mum is smiling and getting down to her level and telling her that this is no way to bahave and she can;t have so and so until she behaves properly or we are going to do something else cause she is obviously unhappy doing what she is doing beacause she is moaning about it!! - Honestly that is what I do!!

As for DD2 wanting to do what DD1 does can;t you have special time for DD1 and give her grown up things to do when DD2 is in bed so she feels as though she is progressing and doing stuff that her younger sister cannot do??

ellajellybelly, Can't say I have loads of advice on older children, as mine's only 5 weeks, but if i find myself losing it I find doing all the cliched things like leaving the room for 5 minutes, having a cup of tea, or doing something totaly un baby related for half an hour, like watching a really corny sitcom on uk gold or Paramount, actualy do help.
As for the problems your having with the arguaing girls, have you ever seen a programme called "Little Angels"? though I'm not suggesting your two are anywhere near as bad as the children that are sometimes on there, sometimes there's some good advice.
hope all gets better for you
xxxx
btw I've actualy read the "how to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk book" and have to say it does sound good, haven't been able to try it out on my non talking 5 week old tho!

Can not say much more than the rest but there was something that grabed my attention: "and sometimes we just let them get on with it and say sort it out between you "

I have been told that it is important to be consistent, otherwise the problem becomes worse as the children try, and try to see what behaviour they can get from you on any ocassion. So if everytime they are doing something they shouldn't, it is good to do always the same when you reprimand.

When sisters and me were misbehaving, my mother would ask us to stop it twice, on the third one my mother won't try to sort up the dispute, she would asume we were equally guilty and we all would be send to bed, to the corner or there was no ice cream for any of us. It helped us a lot to be diplomatic, 20 years after we hardly raise our voice between us.

Thanks everyone for your messages. It's so useful just to hear what other people think. Chandra, i like your mum's way of dealing with it - should probably be more consistent, so will give it a go. thanks

dunno if others have mentioned books
siblings without rivalry &
Hope to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk, both by Faber & Mazlish & both excellent.

I rarely get involved in argy bargy bwn my boys. If they come to me I say nicely mind, 'no point in telling me, have you told your brother? '& then they'll go & say Don't shout at me it makes me sad or whatever problem is & they always say sorry & make up.

If they're fighting over a toy I tell them they need to agree a solution & they usually do.

re whining & whinging I can't bear it & just say 'I can't understand you when you ta;lk like that" and refuse to listen. soon stops.

that said, my full sympathies, I'm really stressed atm and falling way short of acceptable stsandards and are mych too snappy with my boys, they're putting up with a lot from me, poor luvs.

good luck

oh and watch little angels