Teenage daughter not listening

[cookieswirls]

I want to help my sister out. Her dd is 15 and this past year has just changed so much. She has started staying out later than the time agreed upon and just generally not listening to anything her or her dad is telling her. I'm actually worried for both of them as I worry about the dangers her dd could be exposing herself to by staying out late and lying about where she's going. I'm also worried for my sister as neither her or husband can seem to tell her what to do. Is this normal for a 15 year old ? I can't remember putting my parent through this ever !

I wouldn't be over,y concerned about exposure to danger due to staying out after curfew, danger is around at all hours, and whatever she decided to get up to will happen irrespective of the time of day.

I would however have massive concern with the complete disregard for house rules. When she comes in after time what do they do to prevent it happening again? Mine would be grounded, i always made it a day for each minute late, granted they were never more than a few minutes late but now they are always on time.

Well it was normal for me at 15. I was horrible as a teen. My poor parents.

Your sister and DH need to have a think about what consequences they can impose that will really hurt. Like internet/phone removal, stopping pocket money, no lifts into town, much coveted clothes or gifts? Have to earn them with respectful behaviours.

This is the problem. I hate to say this but they are weak in the way of punishment. My sister has admitted she is easy to walkover and that makes me sad. I don't know how to help her be more firm. My dd is 4 and I am not looking forward to the teenage years

Well if she never receives any consequence she will continue to take the piss.

Has your sister asked for your help?

She hasn't directly said she needs my help but she has said she doesn't know how to get her to listen so was hoping for some advice I could pass on

Well If you have the sort of relationship where you can be straight with your sister then I would tell her she needs to buck up and strap in for a bumpy ride because sometimes good parenting is tough and unpleasant. She needs to impose consequences for disrespectful behaviour. Respect is one thing I do not negotiate on in this house. A hint of a sideways glance and I am down on it like a tonne of bricks. Reason being, my DC are not yet teens and I know how hard the teen years can be so I am planting the seed as best I can now that disrespectful behaviours results in consequences you're going to find painful. I'm hoping it might help us through the difficult years. Otherwise I'll just have to find more consequences

Jen, with all due respect ( ), I think one thing you will find as yours grow into teens is that they become more and more like you: they want respect to be mutual, they need to find other people worthy of respect before they respect them. You can make rules against actual rudeness but you can't make rules about never questioning your decisions or never thinking you're a bit of a twat. And there is nothing more dreary or more counterproductive than getting yourself locked into an ever escalating battle of wills with a teenager. A teen who expects to be punished for a sideways glance may be a teen who makes the decision to spend as little time as they possibly can in your company.

What has worked for us with our teenagers has been having rules of politeness that we all have to respect (and yes, it's annoying when your 14yo calls you on the way you speak to your family- but I do think my manners have benefitted from it). It is giving off the vibes that you are somebody reasonable who won't make a fuss for the sake of it and will always be happy to listen to the other side, but that when you do make up my mind then you mean it. It is avoiding the feeling that you are always suspecting them of mutinous tendencies and terrified of losing control. It is avoiding sanctioning them so much that sanctions lose their impact.

It's like teachers: the teacher who shouts and dishes out punishments in every class is the teacher that nobody respects. Because that is the teacher who might as well go around waving a placard with the legend "I am not very confident in my discipline". With teenagers, confident is what you need to be: parental insecurity frightens them. And nothing says insecurity as loudly as constant punishments.

You can make rules against actual rudeness but you can't make rules about never questioning your decisions or never thinking you're a bit of a twat

I don't think you've understood or possibly read my post fully. Because there is nothing like that in it.

A sideways glance is disrespectful. Roll your eyes behind my back, think I'm a cunt of the highest order but don't treat me with such contempt in my home if you expect to retain your privileges that I facilitate and pay for.

What has worked for us with our teenagers has been having rules of politeness that we all have to respect

So what I do here then.

And nothing says insecurity as loudly as constant punishments

Again, there was nothing that suggests this in my post.

Perhaps I haven't expressed myself well. We are on the same page.

Just had sis on the phone said her dd was out till 2 am even though she agreed on 10 pm

where was she 10pm-2am?
Pet peeve: I hate it when people say "listen" and they actually mean "obey."

She was at her boyfriends house apparently. No phone call or anything sis was so worried

Is she using birth control. There's a hierarchy of risks & damage limitation here.

I don't know that's a bit personal to ask her