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Original poster

When and how should I tell DS he has half brother & sisters?

14 replies

Sheila · 15/06/2004 13:51

My XDP has 3 children through a previous relationship whom I've never met and about whom my DS has no idea. XDP sees them at the weekends and sees DS one day per week.

DS is now 4.5 and starts school in Sep and I think the time has come to tell him about them.

Has anyone had to deal with anything like this and if so what advice can you pass on?

Really grateful for any views - I think this will be a tough one to explain.

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spacemonkey · 15/06/2004 14:03

I think he'll take it in his stride. I've been on the receiving end of this - I found out I had a half brother when I was about 7. I was OK with it, but personally I think it would've been better to know earlier. My bro came to live with us when I was 10 and I found that really traumatic! And more recently I made contact with my father who has 3 teenage children who had no idea I existed until a couple of weeks ago! I think he was quite nervous about telling them but they were absolutely fine about it!

Mind you, if the half siblings are your XDP's children - why isn't he telling ds?

spacemonkey · 15/06/2004 14:04

Apologies for gross overuse of exclamation marks there

roisin · 15/06/2004 14:10

Sheila - tell him as soon as possible, the sooner the better, but make it low key, and just mention it from time to time. And be prepared to answer any questions he has.

I had a baby adopted at birth, 15 years ago. It is important to me that my boys feel they have 'always known', as in fact they have - though sometimes they forget! They are 5 and 6, and I'm surprised that so far we haven't had any difficult questions about it, but when we do I'll answer them as best I can. One day my 'dsreally1' may (I hope) choose to make contact, and I wouldn't want him or the boys to think I had kept it all secret.

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Original poster

Sheila · 15/06/2004 14:11

Good point Spacemonkey - obviously XDP should be the one to do the deed but I fear he will either chicken out and not do it at all, or make a hash of it (4 kids by 2 different partners, none of whom he lives with - he's not the most emotionally literate chap in the world is he?!).

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Original poster

Sheila · 15/06/2004 14:19

Wow Roisin - I didn't know about your first boy. I hope he does get in touch one day. Must have been a really difficult thing for you to do - can't imagine how difficult really. Or maybe it was the only way out at the time?

Thanks for the good advice too - I think keeping this news as low-key as poss. is definitely the best way.

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Fio2 · 15/06/2004 14:22

roisin I just want to say I think it is lovely that you are so open about your first son with your boys. My SIL had a baby when she was 14 and he was adopted but she hasnt told my nephew about it and no-one in the family mentions him () I feel so sad about it

Kayleigh · 15/06/2004 14:36

This thread has made me think. My dh was married and had a child before we met. He gave up contact with his daughter when she was around three for many reasons. It was a bad divorce and when we got together he moved 200 miles away and his xw made it extremely difficult for him to visit.
Anyway, I digress. I have never told my ds1 (almost 6) and my ds2 (3) about their half sister. She would be in her early twenties now and has never made contact with dh.

How would we broach it? I don't want them to feel insecure - I don't want them to think that daddy might leave them because he left his dd.

roisin · 16/06/2004 20:13

Kayleigh - I would drop it in lightly to the conversation. My boys have high self esteem, and feel very secure in themselves. They don't actually relate what happens to them to what happened to my first son. Having said that, they have "always known", if I just dropped it into the pot now I might have a few more questions to face. (They are 5 and 6 now.)

I know it is hard, and it is a risk to face a difficult situation, but if I were you I would do it. Your dh's daughter may well choose to come looking for him one day, and it could cause a lot of pain and heartache on all sides if it is perceived that this was "kept secret".

roisin · 16/06/2004 20:14

Btw Fio2 and Sheila - thanks for your lovely comments. They really gave me a boost when I read them.

Tinker · 16/06/2004 20:25

Sheila - I had to do this with my daughter, her father also has another son and daughter. She started asking at about 3 or 4 for a brother or sister. So I just said "Well, actually, you have one of each already". Had to do a bit of simple explaining about them living a long way away etc but she has completely taken it in her stride. Only difficulty, for me, is that she tells everyone about them and they look at me as though she is lying. She has now met her brother a few times and will one day, I hope, meet her sister. Her brother (9) was only told about my daughter about a year ago. They're all cool about it.

roisin - hope your son gets in touch one day.

florenceuk · 17/06/2004 11:01

My DH has a daughter who was adopted (he was 18 at the time). They got in contact about 5 yrs ago. Since then we have had regular contact with her (went to her wedding!) DS has therefore known about his half sister since he was born (he's 2.5yrs old) so he just accepts it. You may find your DS does not find it as strange as you do, depending on range of different family relationships he's been exposed to.

coppertop · 17/06/2004 11:12

I think it would be easier to explain sooner rather than later. When I was about 11 I couldn't find my mum and asked her friend if she'd seen her within the last hour or so. The friend said, "She was talking to your sister when I saw her last." My younger sister was standing right next to me and our elder sister was out of the country at the time so I had no idea what she was talking about. This was how I found out I had an older half-sister and it really wasn't a nice way to find out - especially from someone unconnected to my family.

mothernature · 17/06/2004 11:24

I found out that my two older sisters were actually my half sister's when I was 12ish, there is a big gap in between myself and my older [full] sister of 11 years, then another 7 & 8 years for the older two, apparently my mum had been married before, had my two older sisters, her husband ran off with another women leaving my mum and her mum to bring up the girls, this only came to light during a girls slanging match with myself and another girl in the street, she shouted at me 'well she's not your real sister anyway!' which at the time was as good as a slap in the face with a shovel.. needless to say for the next few months I would trust nobody or anything anyone told me. I became the teenager from hell....I'm sure none of this would have happend if I had been told sooner. Please do tell them now....

aloha · 17/06/2004 11:36

Does your exdp never have all the children at once? Did he have contact when he was with you? I think sooner rather than later, though I know it is hard. My dh has a daughter with his his ex, who has three other young children. My ds is nearly three and loves his big sister who he sees every other weekend, and has seen her other siblings once (dh's ex is vile witch who won't even let dh park on her drive when he picks up his daughter). I'm not actually sure how much he understands that his sister's daddy is his daddy, but I'm not her mummy, and that she has other brothers and sisters. He asked to visit his sister at her 'other home' the other day, and couldn't understand why he couldn't. That made me feel sad.
Sheila, when you tell ds he might want to meet his siblings. How would you feel about that?

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