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Parenting

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Original poster

If your 10yr old dd received a letter and wouldn't let you see it...

50 replies

emsiewill · 09/02/2007 09:06

...what would you do?

She assures me it's "nothing bad", but has hidden it in her room.

I think it's a photo of something (had a glimpse as she got it out of the envelope), but as soon as she'd opened it, she ran upstairs with it.

Do I insist she shows it me? (which will lead to massive arguments)

Do I go and look for it in her room when she's out? (which goes against my principles...)

Help!

It came yesterday by the way.

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lady007pink · 09/02/2007 12:29

My mother was so nosey she used to read any letters lying around (even my diaries), and I just accepted it as normal. The only letters I got at 10 years old were either from a stamp collection club, or personal post from my cousins in Australia and Canada. Nothing I'd want to keep secret, anyway.
We're living in different times now and didn't have the internet then. I'm curious to know what she received, and who told her to keep it secret! I'd definitely have a look at it when she's not around, and keep an eye out for any future post she may receive.

anorak · 09/02/2007 12:36

agree be sneaky.

You can always go the sneaky route but it has a flip side. That is the fact that if you find out anything serious you may have to 'come out'.

christie1 · 09/02/2007 16:05

depends.My 10 years old gets letters from her friends in canada and I never read them respecting her privacy. BUT I know the kids very well so I don't have concerns. If she got a letter from somesone I knew nothing about I would ask for more info and would not be above looking to see what it was all about while she was out. Danger there is that if it something you object to , then you have to own up to snooping. I would get more info from her with a talk but not read it unless you get more concerned after asking more questions. I tell my kids I will respect their privacy but if I feel a safety issue, then I will look into things further.

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SSShakeTheChi · 09/02/2007 17:49

So has emsie read it yet?!

Skribble · 09/02/2007 18:06

Agree sneaky peek to save her blushes if it is just an innocent letter form a pal or band or similar.

But I would be concerned if it is from someone else, even if they appear to be young too. How did they get her address? Are they who they appear to be? 10 yr olds still need to be protected and are normally too naive to realise when something is not quite right. The fact that teenage chat rooms are full of alsorts of weirdos worries me greatly and I like the fact my computer is in the living room and I can see the screen from my spot on the sofa, so I can monitor what they get up to, not a problem now but I realise it colud be very soon.

VoodooWizbit · 09/02/2007 18:17

so what was it?????????????????????

themildmanneredjanitor · 09/02/2007 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Piffle · 09/02/2007 18:26

I'd be as worried about who she was giving her address to as anything that got sent.
Approach it from that angle.
But I'd look for it on the quiet

ladymariner · 09/02/2007 18:51

If my 11yr old ds got a letter and reacted like that then I would definately have a look on the quiet. Who am I kidding, I'd have a look even if he didn't react like that . If it was something awful then I would tackle him with it and approach it from the Good Cop angle - you're my son and I want to protect you from bad things etc. If it was nothing to worry about I wouldn't say anything and he would never know! That may be devious but hey, it's less stressful than worrying about what it may be, for all concerned.

Original poster

emsiewill · 09/02/2007 19:40

Well, I have talked further with dd. I used a mixture of the suggestions put forward here. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her getting things through the post that she was keeping secret from me. I said I was happy not to interfere with letters she gets from her penfriend, or if it is obvious what they are, but that there are people out there who pretend to be children when they aren't and try to make friends with children for nasty purposes.

After a fair amount of world weary eye rolling & a few "Oh mum"'s, she allowed me to do a sort of Q & A session to guess what exactly it was...

And it turns out that ages ago she wrote a fan letter to Emma Watson (Hermione in the Harry Potter films) c/o Warner Bros, and they have sent a standard letter and "signed" photo!! She was taken by surprise when it arrived yesterday (as it was ages ago she wrote), and a little embarrassed, which is why she ran off with it. Plus I think she may have filched a stamp from my purse, which she would know she shouldn't really do.

She has shown me the letter (v short written "on behalf" of Emma Watson) & the photo, and is currently on the internet trying to get addresses for all the other people she is a fan of!

I am sooooo glad I didn't have to be sneaky about this, and I don't know whether I would have pushed it with her if I hadn't had some of the views on here. So, once again, thanks to mn and to all of you lovely mnetters for your support.

OP posts:

Overrun · 09/02/2007 19:41

glad it worked out well for you both

pointydog · 09/02/2007 19:43

I feel quite strongly about letting them have their privacy. I would talk to her about it. I would tell her the sorts of things I might be worried about. If she told me it was a trivial thing I'd believe her and wouldn't rake around.

pointydog · 09/02/2007 19:44

oh emsie you've replied. And it was all sorted out respectfully - aww!

hatwoman · 09/02/2007 19:48

I think that turned out really well - the problem with the sneaky route would have been that you effectively deferred the decision about when to trust her - what would have happened it you would have faced the same question when she was 12? 14? but the way you've done it means you're in a better position to trust her - she understands why you were worried, she shared it with you of her own accord, her privacy was respcted, her trust wasn't betrayed. really really good outcome

lady007pink · 09/02/2007 20:28

I'm very relieved, emsiewill. You've been on my mind all day and it's been bothering me how I'll deal with things like that when DD1 and DD2 reach that age (they're aged 4 and 12 weeks). I'm so happy for you that it was something innocent like that, and you went about it the right way. I can see it from your daughter's point of view, too, and it would probably amaze her how much worry she's generated in Mumsnet throughout the day just because she felt a little embarassed to share something with you!

Original poster

emsiewill · 09/02/2007 20:48

Not sure she would be that amazed - she's lived with my mumsnet addiction since she was 4!!!

I am surprised at how happy I have been since I had the chat with dd - we have a stormy relationship (understatement), so it is extra pleasing when we have these good moments.

Long may it last!

OP posts:

marthamoo · 09/02/2007 20:50

Aw bless - I didn't post, but I've been wondering what it was all day - I'm glad it's all resolved.

Miaou · 09/02/2007 20:57

What a great outcome emsiewill (and how sweet about the letter!) - particularly as you have (in your words) a "stormy relationship". It's about trust and mutual respect and I think it stands you and her in good stead for future issues

Tillyboo · 09/02/2007 21:04

Personally I'd have a look but not tell her if it was something harmless.
On the other hand if it's something that needs dealing with then I think you have to broach it with her. Does she go on the internet at all and do you always know what she's looking at ?
There are so many dodgy people out there you really need to know that it's something harmless.
It's a delicate situation as she needs to know she can trust you and you need to be so careful not to break that trust.
I agree with a previous posting that if you sit down and explain your reasons for being worried then perhaps she might share her secret.
I'd still have a look though, just to make sure.
Perhaps it's a photo of a little boyfriend at school or maybe she's been experimenting with make-up and hair at a friends and they took photo's of each other ?

LowFatMilkshake · 09/02/2007 21:10

Ahh Emieswill - that takes me back to my early teens when I was a huge Emilio Estevez fan. I got a similar 'Thank you for your support' printed letter and stamped 'signed' photo!

batters · 09/02/2007 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

emsiewill · 09/02/2007 21:14

She has been really keen on Emma Watson for ages, as you say, a good role model.

She's now in the process of writing to Beth Tweddle (best British gymnast ever - as far asI know). I imagine she doesn't get quite so many letters as Emma Watson, so hopefully might get a more personalised response.

OP posts:

Tillyboo · 10/02/2007 00:57

Ah ! That's lovely. Didn't Beth thingy make it to the last 3 in sports personality of the year ? A couple of great role models.

Kids grow up so quickly these days it's always best to be ultra careful.

My niece showed me a website her friend had set up (when she was 12 or 13) and I was horrified at some of the content! She was asking for boy pen friends to contact her but only if they had big 'you know what's'. OMG !!!!!
My niece is no longer friends with this girl I hasten to add.

chocolatelovehearts · 10/02/2007 01:01

Agree with dumbledore on this one.

chocolatelovehearts · 10/02/2007 01:03

Must also mention that i didnt read any further than your 1st post and then that reply so things may have progressed since then. Sorry if thats the case!

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