Is it really good for small children to go to nursery/childminder?

[Londonmamabychance]

This morning, as I dropped of my 2-year-old, she cried. As I waved 'bye, bye' to her and went for the door, she burst out in the saddest cry, and was immediately given a cuddle from her favourite nursery worker, who held her close and comforting in her arms. What stuck with me most after I left the nursery was the type of cry: It wasn't the angry and surprised cry of a child who's not used to being left with other adults by its mum, it was the sad and knowing cry of a child who knows that yet again, mummy is leaving, and I will spend the whole day away from her.
And so I wondered for the millionth time: Am I doing the right thing, working four days a week and leaving her at nursery from 8.30 - 5.30? Yes, it is an absolutely wonderful nursery, all the staff are loving and well educated and its Ofsted outstanding. DD clearly enjoys being with her little friends and talks about them all the time, and enjoys all the activities they do at nursery. And she does not cry every day she is dropped off, most often her dad drops her off and she cries only on very rare occasions when he drops her off. And she is always bright and happy when I come to pick her up.
But wouldn't she be happier, and thrive more, if she spend more time - maybe even all her time - with her mum or dad, being taken to play groups and play dates regularly? I know that for us, at the moment, it is a hypothetical question. We cannot afford for me to stop working, and with a new baby arriving in two months’ time, I will need her to go to nursery at least some days for a while, as I settle in with the new baby, having no family or close friends around who can help out.
Secondly, I do enjoy working and succeeding professionally, and part of me thinks it's important to show DD that it is possible to be a working mum, that is not so that women must do all the childcare while the men make the money. That there’s a point in her doing well in school. Ideally, I would like both DH and I to work part time, so that we could share the childcare 50/50, but as his salary is double of mine, that is not financially possible.
But honestly, are we doing the best for our children when we put them in childcare, so that we can go to work? Or are we depriving them of spending time with the people who love them the most, their parents?

[Londonmamabychance]

Mrsjavy I didn't mean to be condescending, I just explained why I preferred the nursery i found to the particular childminders who were avaliable in my area. And as I said, I have particular reasons for being afraid of driving (and realise they're not logical but there you go), and with reagrds to TV, it's like many other things, some people are vegetarians and bring up their children as vegetarians, some people are religious and bring up their children religious, some people don't want their kids to eat any processed sugar at all and others are fine with it, in moderation etc. The important point is that the child care setting you choose for your child has to match your home ethics and preferences for you to be happy with it. There is no one size fits all, just it needs to match your beliefs.

[Londonmamabychance]

Goodlucktime thanks for the advice about a mothers help etc., I may look into it! However, I think I'll keep DD at nursery for the beginning of mat leave, in order not to introduce too many new things all at once. I'm not sure she'll understand that me and baby stay at home, epsecially not if her dad drops her off. She just turned two last week.

[RedPaint37]

yes, i'm with mother all of that. I couldn't parent full-time 7 days a week, I need a break from the tantrums and the whinging and enjoy working with people that are interested in my work skills and enjoy being good at it.

[RedPaint37]

london i agree with not immediately changing your dd's routine when baby 2 arrives either - I took dd1 out of nursery when I was on ML with dd2 (she was older, 4) but she was totally raging with having the interloping baby in her face all the time and it wasn't the fun family time I'd envisaged. If I dropped her hours, I'd do it very gradually.

[Flingmoo]

It's a really tough one. In many ways I'm in the "toddlers are best off with their mum/dad/primary caregiver" camp.

On the other hand I do think they get more stimulation at nursery than most of us are able to offer in a home setting. I just don't have the energy, imagination, motivation etc to entertain my toddler with different activities every day. I do crafts now and then but I can't imagine doing a different craft every day, as well as messy play, outings etc. Not to mention the social side of things.

At the moment I have a friend looking after my son from 7am-5pm once a week, and my mum looks after him twice a week for the same hours. He's getting 1:1 attention from both of them and he's never cried when it's time to go to her house or anything. I visited nurseries but couldn't bear the thought of 'abandoning' him there when he was not even 1 yet.

He's 2.5 now and I'm considering sending him for a few nursery sessions when my new baby arrives next year and he'll be 3.

I guess for their social and educational development nursery is probably better for them, but from an emotional point of view I personally think they're better off at home.

[Thirtyrock39]

2 yr funding is aimed at disadvantaged families though who may not have access to lots of books, toddler groups, stimulating activities it's not saying that all 2 yr olds need childcare away from home. However I think from 3 years it's very beneficial for kids to go to preschool of some sort.

[Thirtyrock39]

Also to add I think it's also very important for young children to see a working mother . I went back to work (3 days) when youngest was nearly 3 and that was an easy age to leave in childcare . Returning to work when one was 6 months was horrible for me though. Then I stayed at home with middle one but did drive me a bit bonkers and def think part time work is good all round esp having some financial independence

[trilbydoll]

It depends a lot on the parent I think. When we are on holiday, dc visibly thrive and progress having our undivided attention and doing stuff all day. However, realistically, if I was at home with them it wouldn't be like that. I'd have chores to do, I can't stand craft, I've never got any inspiration for games to play etc - there would be a lot of tv and that's unlikely to benefit them.

If I was a primary school teacher or something similar I imagine I would be a bit better at entertaining / occupying them. Unfortunately I'm an accountant so all I want to do is teach them to count

[Londonmamabychance]

Trilby i used to be a primary school teacher (now doing something completely different) and still, I find entertaining DD at home in a stimualting way exhausting! I fear that if I had her at home all day (at this age where she requires a lot of stimulation, she was home with me until 1 and that was easy enough) I would become stressed out and end up shouting at her, the last thing I would want! I envy the mothers who seem to have endless amounts of patience with small children.

[MagnumAddict]

Why am I reading this when I am returning to work after maternity leave next week?

Off to read the Christmas thread to cheer myself up

[Londonmamabychance]

Magnum sorry to depress you! wokring isn't all that bad ; ) just look at how many posts I've made on this thread today, all the while being at work ; ) doubt I would have been able to do that had I been at home with a 2-year old! (or they would all have been concentrated in her nap time)

[Lules]

Thing is, I know that probably my toddler would be happier at home with me rather than at nursery. But I'm a person too. Staying at home permanently (and it would be difficult to resurrect a career after taking a long break) would make me miserable and maybe worse. So I work part time (3/4 days a week) and I really enjoy it. I'm happy and he's happy enough so it's ok, even though I do feel guilty sometimes. Although it's not helped by my mum telling me that she 'can't bear' the thought of him ever crying at drop off when he's fine within a couple of minutes.

[Hefezopf]

Childcare is a situation where one size doesn't fit all. I think that you should listen to your gut feeling. If you suspect that your dd is unhappy, or if you are unhappy, look to change your situation.

I do think that, unless the home environment is terrible, full-time childcare is not beneficial for most babies and toddlers. Full time SAHP is not beneficial or even possible for many families though. Basically, you can't win!

[StrawberryQuik]

Am also an EYP and honestly I think there is no one size fits all 'best'. I personally feel though that a childminder/nanny is better for under 1s, and for some toddlers depending on personality.

Having said that DS will most probably be going to nursery 1 day a week from 11 months though as all the local childminders shut at 6 and with the best will in the world my train gets in at 6.15.

I love being on maternity leave and bloody love doing craft/baking/park trips with kids (i wouldn't have trained to be an EYP otherwise!) but I'll be going back to work as there's no way we'll ever get a mortgage if I am a SAHM...

I guess what I'm saying is we all muddle along as best we can according to our own circumstances.

[ToneDeafHamster]

I luckily had the option to be a SAHM, we have our own business and have hired someone to do most of my job. We are only having one child and I want to make the most of every moment. The thought of someone else bringing up my child makes me feel stressed! Its a bit boring at times, but I am still involved in the business (not as much as I was when she was a baby) so occasionally get to use my brain! My DD is two, we are playing it by ear with regard to when I go back to work. I often wonder if I am enough for her, she is a very bright, confident and interesting little girl and plays with others easily.

My mother wasn't particularly interested in me and put work first (parents ran a business together) and I am sure it affected our relationship. We are not very close.

[motherinferior]

Oh, enough with the 'you can't win' and general assumption that women are always going to feel guilty about their parenting choices. If you find good childcare which you like (though personally I think you're setting yourself up to fail with your no telly rule, OP, and it's going to make life quite awkward socially for your kids once they reach school age if they are totally devoid of any knowledge of it) you can, believe it or not, have a rather good work/life/kids balance.

[user1471446433]

I'm a SAHM as we didn't want someone else spending all that time with our kids, & all the research I've read says best for child if with primary care giver for first 3 years. My DH didn't want to be at home with kids (& part time isn't an option for his work) & I didn't want to be at work away from the kids so he works & I don't.
We HE now so my career gap will be huge! & We live on very little money but it works for us.

Regarding new baby I don't understand why you think you need toddler in nursery? Won't toddler feel pushed out? Toddlers & babies are quite compatible in my experience, older kids & babies are trickier.

[clumsyduck]

Is it best though if the parent doesn't enjoy being a sahp? I loved maternity but 9 months off is different to years and years off ! I know some people love been a sahp but for me I like the balance of working part time and also having days at home I think ds gets the best of me then , fwiw I wouldn't work full time personally not until I have much older dc because I do enjoy my days at home but equally I enjoy work and have great friendships at work too. But it's not a choice for everyone to be able to work part time or not at all financially either . In the beggining I had to work because I split with ds father when I was pregnant and needed to be able to support us both ! Same for a lot of single parents

[LegoCaltrops]

My DD started reception class this September. She'd previously been attending nursery for 2 years prior to that. The nursery & school are attached & share a playground (with fences to separate the areas for each section), so DH & I knew quite a few of the kids, & parents, from day one.

I can say pretty much without exception, that the children who were happy to go straight in on the first day, were the kids who'd been at nursery for at least a few months before commencing school. The kids who were upset, screaming, whose mums had to go in & calm them down every morning for the first month, (and still do now) were the ones who'd not been to nursery (there were only 5 in DD's class & they all, separately, confirmed this).

In addition, in the first year or so of DD starting nursery, she caught so many colds it was awful, she was constantly under the weather. DH & I really struggled for getting time to keep her at home when she was too poorly to go in. But, that improved about 15 months in.

I know what you're saying about the guilt - I really hated the idea of DD having to be looked after by strangers too. DD did not like it at first, either. She cried when we left her for at least the first two months. And wouldn't talk to the staff for nearly 6 months. But, she grew to love it & after the first few months she always ran eagerly in, with barely a backward glance as we left. Being there helped her develop emotionally & socially, something I just don't believe we could have done for her.

[tiredandhungryalways]

I definitely agree with abloodyidiot. Don't feel comfortable with childcare for children under 3. My understanding is it's not in the child's best interests.

[2015mom]

We are embedded to feel guilty when we send our children to nursery but it is so beneficial for them. Not just the daily activities, I know we can do this at home with the children but it's the social aspect, interaction with other kids, interaction with other adults.

There is a risk your child will be very shy and not learn as much at home, especially when you are busy with your next child.

Yes we can teach our children loads of things and do all the activities but I have seen the difference of kids who go nursery and kids who do, from speech problems to confidence issues.

Yes at home they are confident but if they didn't go nursery and interact with other children and adults then it will become even more daunting for your child to be out and about on their own as a child.

I am myself expecting again and have just gone back to work, LO has been going nursery for three full days and he has just started week two, he cried when I drop him off but as soon as I am out of sight I look at him discreetly and he is back to normal

I will also be sending him for two mornings when I have the next child because I know he will have such a great time rather than being at home with me and LO and getting bogged down with daily routines. When he is not at nursery I will have activities for him and go to groups with him but I think it's important he is independent in the sense that he can interact with others away from parents

They learn so much at nursery, some stuff we would not even teach them so it's all a learning curve to build up a child's intelligence and confidence.

[Looneytune253]

I'm a childminder and was just having this convo with a mum today, she's just gone back and was feeling guilty etc but I said sometimes you just cant win tbh. I'm obv at home with my girls and we made the decision for me to become a sahm as we felt it was important for someone to be at home for the children esp once they reached high school. Anyway, I ended up becoming a childminder and I love it but u still get the mum guilt. Every so often my daughter will ask why we have to have the Baba's here and could it be just us sometimes (it is long hours) but I have to point out the positives that she's not having to be somewhere else when I'm out at work somewhere. My point is you will always get your mum guilt whatever your situation. I would imagine if you are a sahm there would be guilt about not doing as much with them, not being able to buy them things/go on holiday etc. We can never win, mum guilt will always be there.

[motherinferior]

^Not all of us feel guilty.
^
You may do, I don't.

[2015mom]

also going nursery is great for building up a child's immune system... My LO Has been very good and not caught illnesses other than an viral infection once before he was 1... First week he got a cold and cough.... Second week he had diarreah which could have teething related or a virus he caught at nursery. Nonetheless he is slowly building his immune system up which is also very beneficial... If he doesn't do it now he will be doing it later.... Yes it causes disruption and it's horrible seeing them ill but he is soldering on which is great.... I don't want him curling up on the sofa just because he has a cold....

It's all very beneficial for a child to go to nursery

For example messy play helps with a child's development ... We as parents will be less inclined to let a child go crazy with messy play at home.. Yes once in a while but everyday?

They are learning through play at nursery which is so much fun also the staff all have to be educated and go on courses which us excellent

[motherinferior]

^Not all of us feel guilty.
^
You may do, I don't.