Does my mom love me?

[Shan988567]

Hey, so abit of context:

My mother's not ever really been the best. She left my father and me and my brother behind when I was 4 and my brother was 3. She came back 2 years later and I have vauge memories of me crying to her after school because my teacher was mean to me. She didn't tell my dad about this, she didn't ask the school etc. I called it being a 'half-assed' mother.

My dad found out about this himself and when he did find out what the teacher had been doing to me he changed my school but my "mother" didn't care and let me cry everyday after school for around a week.

Anyway she left again after another year or so and went with another man. She lived quite close to my father's house (who I've lived with since I was 4 and I'm now 20). But then when I was 13 or so, she moved 2 hours away without even considering my or her other children's feelings. She has asked me once in the past 7 years to visit her home.. she has gone as far as a year without messaging me. (We never call, just text). A few months ago she started crying and talking to people about me because her birthday card came in the post a day late.

She will always show her friends pictures of me online and say she is proud of me.. but I think this is all to make her look like a good mother in front of her friends as she really values her reputation.

And just today her husband asked me when I'm going to come down "for a drink" which is basically all they do is get drunk. I think that she knows that I'm planning on going abroad on holiday and she thinks I have a bit of money she can get in on as whenever it is her birthday she will hint and hint (not very subtly) at presents.

I'm at university and around a year ago she asked if she could come to my graduation (so she can brag on social media about me and how proud she is I graduated). Before she asked this, she hadn't spoke to me in a year and hadn't saw me in 2 years.

I'm really tired of these mixed signals. I can tell she don't care about me at all. She never asks how I am. When I went through tough times she didn't even know as she never asked.

One minute she's ignoring me for a year and moving 2 hours away and but the next in front of her friends she's bragging about me. Can someone please give me their opinion?

I don't know whether or not she loves you but if she does, it sounds like she loves herself a lot more. She sounds truly awful and I'm sorry. Is the patchy unsatisfactory contact you have better than no contact at all?

Not really, it's more like "hey you ok, good, bye" sort of thing. She visits my sister who lives in the same town as me sometimes and tells me to come over and see her and I try not to because I know if I get attached to her again she'll let me down.

I went to a family gathering around 3 months ago and she didn't even recognise me (her words), that's how long she hasn't seen me for aha...

Maybe she loves you as much as she is capable. But her treatment of you is really awful. My mum was similar (look up narcissistic mothers) and I too was brought up by my dad. Although my mum made a bit more effort than yours, I always felt unloved by her. However now she is older, and now I have my own dc, she is a lot better and has been trying to make amends through DS. Which is fine, but it will never make up for all the years I needed her as a young girl. I sympathise, but try not to let it screw you up. Focus on the love around you (your dad and whoever else). I would also advise you not to keep expecting any better from your mum, only to be constantly disappointed. Don't let her use you, stand your ground. If you want children in the future, be the mum she wasn't.

Yeah, I was thinking about just cutting off contact with her all together to avoid disappointment and all these mixed signals which is messing with my head. I have many people who love me but because she left and doesn't really care about me I have trust/abandonment issues which has caused issues with me and my boyfriend. I'm wondering if I should just stop all contact with her.

I think the question is 'is she capable of loving anyone?'

There's a concept called 'good enough' parenting, where it's not about being perfect, but accepts everyone has flaws and that's ok, as long as you're just good enough.

I'm afraid your mother does not sound 'good enough' at all. She sounds harmful, and emotionally detached from you (& your father), and probably from more people too.

This says a lot about her, and not about you. It wasn't your fault you were born to a mother who was rubbish at being a mother and meeting your most basic needs. And it's not your fault in any way for her behaviour now you are grown up.

What positives does she bring to you and your life? And what negatives? People can be roughly divided into those who bring good into your life, love, comfort, laughter, happiness etc... And those that take away good.

What role does your mother play? And how would it affect you if you didn't see her? What would you gain from not having her in your life? And what would you lose?