Out of order?

[user1474320794]

Just wondering whether I am being totally irrational or fair, I have a 2 and a half year old and a three month, and getting so sick of my partner doing sweet fuck all to help me, ok he DOES Work mon-fri 8-5 but he seems to think this is an excuse to do no cleaning, cooking, helping with kids etc bathing feeding, to bed, dressing. But he thinks this is acceptable because he works and I don't. (Which I do but on maternity) and when I do work I have to work night shifts and I'm still expected to do all this because I'm the one at home all day. I hate working night shifts but it's the only available shifts I can work because he doesn't want me to weekends (our time). He's so lazy refuses to even make his lunch for work and a cup of tea for himself in the morning and I've just got to the point where I m so sick of it

When I was on mat leave, I had a refluxy baby. Dh used to walk in at 5pm, I'd hand Dd over and go straight to bed.
Dh would wrangle dd, make tea, put washer on, do washing up, then prep his lunch for tomorrow, all whilst bouncing/singing/chatting to dd. he'd then bath her and bring her into me ready for bed.
Now she's a none refluxy 3yo dd he has done his fair share of nights, tidying up and cleaning.
He's treating you like a doormat. Please don't put up with it.

Just want to say user its him not you

I am thinking about writing a letter to him but not sure that would work because I think it would just be one long piece of paper me slagging him off don't even know how or where to start

It's not just you. I'm in an almost identical situation (only one baby and work 8-6 when not in mat leave) and it's so draining isn't it? I've tried talking to him - sulks and won't speak to me for a couple of days; going on stoke and leaving the housework be - complains about it eventually but does fuck all; I even went away for a weekend and left him with the baby - he got his mum round for pretty much the entire time to help.

Sorry, didn't mean to be rant-y but it really is a frustrating situation and you have my sympathy OP.

Grrrr men, if I never cleaned I don't even think he'd complain, he's not a very clean person.

Oh my god! First of all, stop making his lunch, then when he has a strop about it you can point out that you're not his personal slave, you're not there to be his maid, his chef and his personal laundry service. Yes you're at home all day, but you've got two very young children and once he's home all jobs should be shared! Do you get any free time at all?

Stop being such a doormat (sorry, harsh) and tell him to stop being such a useless prick.

I don't understand what you're getting from this. No emotional or financial support, and someone who gets kissed of when you don't make him a brew? Fuck that.

He works out of the house 8-5. You work at home while he's at work. So when you're both home chores should be split. I think generally one person would make the tea and have a generally tidy up while the other does bath and bed, so you can both sit down and relax together?

Lots of sympathy but no advice I'm afraid, it doesn't sound like he's keen to make any changes...

I think it's time for you to get harsh.

Write your letter. Tell him how you feel and how unfair it is. Tell him that you don't feel like this is a fair partnership and you don't feel like you're both on the same team.
Then have a chat about it.
Don't get into a slanging match.
Tell him this is about improving your family's future and not an opportunity to have a go at each other.
Negotiate chores if you have to.

I can't believe you make his lunches and cups of tea for such a lazy sod.
You need to stop with that servantile behaviour and take a stand.
(Sorry it's a bit harsh!)

Writing a letter is a good idea, just sit down and write whatever comes into your head, then leave it till the next day and decide whether you want to give it to him or rewrite it. Don't worry about it being too nasty and just slagging him off, he needs a wake-up call!!

So you will be expected to

• work nights
• do everything at home during the days (when you should be sleeping)
• pay 50% of bills, plus everything for DC (and this will be significantly more than child benefit, their needs will only grow)

If you just present those 3 items to him, can he really look you in the eye and say yeah, that's fair and equal division of labour?

I've written a letter on my emails will copy and paste it in mo just Guna change the names ok

I saw the letter before it got withdrawn, and I think it's good

I saw the letter as well and while it's of course good to let him know that you don't feel supported, personally I would also add a way forward, what you expect to change in practical stuff.

That you will do no more babying of him, he is responsible for his own tea and lunches. (I always offer DH a cup of tea when I make one. The difference being that he does the same for me, and never demands or sulks. But I digress).

Your working hours are 8-5 like his. After that, domestic and child related tasks that need to be done every evening are as follows:
Half of them will be his.

Once you go back to work, you should have the same right to rest and sleep as him. It does not mean full time work+full time housekeeping. Honestly, you will kill yourself like that.

Good suggestion. I would also add that you are both entitled to free time, and you need some regular time off , and that in the future you expect him step up and act like part of the family instead of being such a pathetic little man