I’m a 46 year old man with a City of London Banking job which means I’m in out of the house Monday to Friday from 07:30 until 19:00. I have weekends free from work and work from home one day a week. During the week, my wife takes my son to a full schedule of play groups, events and classes to keep him occupied.
My wife and I have a son who is now three years. When our son was born, my wife decided that bed-sharing was her best option to avoid having to wake up repeatedly to breast feed our son. She decided to vacate the marital bed with my son and together they slept in one of the spare rooms each night.
In addition to this, his daytime naps comprised of my wife going into the same spare bedroom locked away for two hours while he slept in her arms. This progressed to her holding him until he was asleep before putting him down in the bed next to her to nap.
Now he is three years old and has been in his own room for six months, only his mother can put him to sleep. Mummy must sit on the floor by his bed each night or climb into his bed before he’s comfortable enough to fall asleep. My wife and I are woken several times in the night with screams for “Mummy” bellowing from the baby monitor at her bedside, after which she’ll rush to his aid, most times never to return.
As a father, I’ve never had the privilege of putting my son to bed and I cannot see this ever happening.
Although I was able to participate in looking after our son when he was a baby, one would think now that my wife is a single mum. Even before our son could speak clearly, his favourite response whenever I attempted to do anything for him was and still is “Mummy do it”. If I ignore him and attempt to help him, he will have a major meltdown which results in him not eating anything or having a crying fit for hours.
One would think the frequency with which this occurs, he’d have outgrown it, but this is not the case. It seems weekends and mornings when I see my son are filled with misery for everyone as soon as I try to help out.
Here are the “normal” tasks that I try unsuccessfully to help with:
- Brushing his teeth without using force
- Change him into his pyjamas
- Brushing or combing his hair
- Wash his face
- Take him to the toilet
- Washing his hands
- Feeding him
- Holding his hand when we are out on the streets
- Attending a swimming class with my wife and son
- Attending a football club with my wife and son
As he gets older, it seems he’s become more and more detached from me. Strangely enough, I am able to take him on the train by myself on the weekend. I’ll have a few hours before he’ll start crying for mummy but I manage to distract him long enough to avoid a meltdown. When the two of us are out alone, he’ll hold my hand, listen to my instructions and is compliant. As soon as we arrive home, he’ll switch back to clinging to Mummy and I’ll be demoted to the hated father. At home, I’m able to play with him toys and he’s ok with me as his playmate but as his father, I find this unacceptable.
My wife acknowledges that there is a problem but when I discuss this with her, she offers no opinion only to suggest that he’ll grow out of it. I’m aware he’ll grow out of it but at the expense that our relationship will be filled with miserable memories and distance.
I know a lot of people here will say “Man up” and deal with it but trust me, I’ve tried and been consistent and it’s just gone from bad to worse. You know things are bad when once reaches out to strangers on a forum for help.