Want to send DS to a childminder rather than MIL, but will cause massive offence - help!

[PlinkPlonkPlunk]

I'm sure to return to work soon, for 3 mornings per week. DD is at school, but DS is at home with me, so we'll need to arrange childcare. My mum is happy to do one morning a week, which is great, as they adore each other and she's great with him. The problem is the other 2 mornings. I have a friend who's a childminder and lives round the corner, and I'd love him to go to her. He knows her and likes her, and he'd have other children to play with, which is great as he doesn't know many friends his age.

However, DH reckons that MIL will want to do the remaining 2 mornings, and will be hugely offended if we don't ask her. The problem with this is that I don't trust her. She has 6 grandchildren, and favours 2 of them over the others. The 2 can do no wrong, whereas the others (including my two) she'll describe as "spoiled". I've heard her describe niece as "nasty and violent", which is totally untrue. She has minded the favourite 2 since they were tiny, and the other 2 a bit, my 2 only occasional days (we haven't needed childcare before). She is totally uninterested in my DCs (possibly in the other 2 non-favourites as well; certainly she never talks about them). When she minded the favourite 2, she always did loads activities with them, took them out, bought them toys every day. When she minded the other 2, she did nothing with them all day, didn't buy them anything, and complained about their behaviour all the time.

Worst thing was, one of them went through a phase of biting, and was biting one of the favourite GCs (possibly because she saw them getting away with all sorts of things, and being allowed to take her toys etc). MIL decided to solve this by biting her back (although her daughter, the biter's mother, had asked her not to). She then boasted about this for about a week, how she'd finally got the awful child to behave.

I really don't want to leave DS with her, as I think he'll be shoved into the living room all morning and ignored. If he misbehaves, I don't trust her to handle it the way we would ask her to. I just think it would be best all round to get and pay a childminder.

However, DH thinks MIL will be really offended and we should send DS to her. I'm really not comfortable with it at all. What would you do?

[PlinkPlonkPlunk]

Also, my mum will come to our house to mind him, so it won't be too disruptive. MIL insists on him going to hers. So he would then have 3 days at home (2 with me, 1 with my mum), 1 at childminder, and 1 at MILs. I feel that's too much change. 2 days at childminders and the rest at home seems ok.

The main thing is the biting, though. I really don't trust MIL after that.

[waterrat]

There is really no way at all that you should use childcare you are not 100 percent happy with.

You will just have to stand your ground with this one she sounds appalling and unsuitable. Now you are the parents and your DH has to see himself as father not son.

[Whocansay]

I wouldn't trust her either! If she wanted to do it she would have asked by now. Just sort out the childminder and say nothing. As someone said above, if she says anything just say she didn't offer and you thought she had enough on her plate.

Your DH is being an idiot and needs to grow up. His child's well being is more important than risking offending his mother.

[BarbarianMum]

After reading the first paragraph of your post, I was ready to suggest it might be nice to offer your MiL a day a week with your dc. By the end of it I wouldn't recommend you let her look after the goldfish.

Offend her. Look after your ds' welfare and send him to the childminder.