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Original poster

i feel like such an evil mum - guilt is eating me up

11 replies

vnmum · 06/02/2007 14:20

to some this may not seem like a big deal but to me it has made me feel so guilty and like im such an evil mum.

DS (14months) has had sleep issues since birth. he had bad reflux and didnt sleep well, woke being sick after feeds and was hard to settle. he would only settle when fed to sleep or on me. i didnt move him too much as it would just make him sick. after 6 weeks of this i was exhausted and on someones advice i started co sleeping to make the 2 hourly breastfeeds easier.

the co sleeping has gone on since then. he wont go to sleep on his own and is hard to settle at night without a feed. DH and i decided that things had to change as we are ttc and knew that i wouldnt have the energy for this when pregnant and with a newborn.

we tried DH sleeping with him and cuddleing him to sleep when he woke and i was in the lounge. after a month, the wakings had not reduced and we felt we hadnt got very far. i decided that we had to take a slightly tougher approach and have been lieing next to ds but not cuddleing or feeding or talking etc to him till he goes to sleep on his own. if he climbs up i lie him down.

yesterday was first day of this and went ok, 20 mins the first time and not too distressed and less than 10 mins at night.

today has been a different story. it took 30 mins before he went to sleep, he was climbing on me to get close to me and i just had to keep lieing him down, he did seem to get more distressed today and i feel like i have just bullied him into going to sleep.

i am crying as im typing this as it goes against all my perenting beliefs. im into attachment parenting and always said i would never do cc of any type but i was getting desperate. his sleep issues were even making us contemplate not having another DC. when i was led there listening to him cry and then whimpering as he led there as if he'd given up was heartbreaking. i feel like he will never trust me again and that i have ruined everything i have worked towards with him the past year or so.

sorry this is a long post but i just had to tell someone. i dont know what to do know, wether to carry on and bear it out or go back to how things were. am i being too soft about the situation or am i being evil?

god i feel so guilty

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TooTicky · 06/02/2007 14:25

Go with your instincts. If you feel bad then it's not the right thing to do just now.

Original poster

vnmum · 06/02/2007 14:32

that is my gut feeling, but if i dont sort something out how will i cope if new baby wants a feed and DS needs to go to sleep.

maybe i have been abit pressured into it by other mums saying that cc worked for them and you just have to show them whos boss etc.

i always said i wouldnt fall for that but looks like i have, i feel so weak for not sticking with my beliefs

OP posts:

funnypeculiar · 06/02/2007 14:40

{{{hugs}}}
I was also in your situation - said I would never do cc .... then sleep-deprived and having tried everything we did it. It didn't work for us... (sorry, not what you want to hear I know...)And you aren't cc-ing him, so you're nowhere near as bad as me
Having said that, ds was NOT traumatised for life by the incident - well repeated incidents (we tried a few times). He told me today he wants to marry me

I think you have to cut yourself some slack - if you are going to have another baby, it will be tough on you, and realistically, it may be better for you to find a way to help your ds sleep better, for everyone's sanity. But perhaps you could give yourself a timeframe (I'll try this for x days, and if it doesn't work, I'll give up ... but REALLY try for those x days...??)
Your 'halfway house - ie lying next to him but not cuddling - sounds like a viable soln. Have you read No Cry Sleep SOln - any ideas in there you could use? How vebal is he? COuld you try writing a book together outlining how you'd like him to sleep & read it at bedtime.

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controlfreaky2 · 06/02/2007 14:41

we all make mistakes. you are only human. it sounds like this approach is not for you. you need to find a new strategy that will be easier on you all.... or go back to old ways for now while you think it out and try something else in a few months if you still have same issues then...

adath · 06/02/2007 19:54

I could have been writing your post. DS was so sick with reflux for the first 4.5 months of hid life and the only way he would sleep would be with me and was waking anywhere between 1-2 hours all night, I was exhausted and desperate so I tried controlled crying and hated myself for it I am pretty AP and this went against everything I had ever thought I would do.
I know I keep banging on about it but I bought the no cry sleep solution for the softer approach. It made a huge difference, it did take a week to get a difference and a few more to get DS sleeping at a level I was comfortable with.
I started a few months ago and for ages now DS has been waking up once in the night quick feed and he is asleep again and has started recently going full 12 hours once or twice a week.

If doing this is cc is tearing you apart like this itnmaybe is not the approach for you.

{{{{hugs}}}} hope you work something out.

emkana · 06/02/2007 20:12

I can understand why you feel you need to change something, but I can also understand why you must have felt terrible when ds was so upset.

Tbh I think you shouldn't go through with it atm. Even if you got pregnant tomorrow, the birth of your new baby would be a long nine months away. By then your ds will be nearly two and at a completely different stage developmentally. FWIW, at the age your son is both my dd's needed frequent night feeds, were co-sleeping and fell asleep on the breast, at age two they were able to go to sleep on their own, didn't wake up for night feeds... and all this by just waiting, really. All I did was try, once they got a bit older and understood more, to say, if they woke up in the night, not now, later, or when it's light or something, and at some point it was okay, without distress on either side.

Good luck with it all, I hope you find a way that you can all be happy with.

DontlookatmeImshy · 06/02/2007 20:18

Don't know if it will make you feel any better but what you are doing is not controlled crying as you are not leaving him alone.

I've never had to use it so I can't speakfrom personalexperience but alot of people here agree that the No Cry Sleep Solution book is really good.

MrsApron · 06/02/2007 20:18

ditto emkana. He is still very very young.

Listen to your instincts if you dont feel ok about it don't do it.

my dd1 never slept through until 17months. Fed to sleep until over 2. I had a dd2 when she was 2.3 it was fine.

KaySamuels · 07/02/2007 09:47

I fell into cosleeping with my ds, we also had a few attempts at cc, my ds got so distressed he made himself sick! I wished I hadn't tried it and felt just like you do. funnypeculiar put it well, you son will not be damaged from you trying out cc. my son didn't have reflux so no advice with that but would only settle with me and a drink and still does (from a beaker now as he is older).
I took the same approach as some of the other posters, he will soon be older, more vocal etc and will be easier for him to understand, my ds was 2 in October and am planning on moving him to his own room in easter hols with a reward chart.
Enjoy the positives of cosleeping and relax about it for a few months, set a rough idea when you can reassess it, as u are still ttc there is no immediate rush. hth

Original poster

vnmum · 07/02/2007 18:58

thanks everyone. i have the no cry sleep solution and was trying the gradual retreat way of starting by getting him to fall asleep while not on the breast, but it just didnt seem to be working hence my current approach.

last night he fell asleep within 5 mins, in his cot (as a bedside) with me lying next to him. no tears this time. he then woke at 10pm for a feed and slept through till 4 am when he woke for another feed. this is actually the best night ive ever had with him. he has never slept that long before.

this afternoons nap i did cuddle him to sleep and tonight DH put him to bed after his feed and story and he just crawled into his cot, got comfy and went to sleep, again within 5 mins.

he doesnt actually seem bothered by yesterdays naptime episode so we will see what tonight holds and if tonight goes ok, i think i will take one step at a time and still cuddle him to sleep at naps but keep his night routine as it is.

thanks again for all your support. if all else fails we dont mind him co sleeping so we could go back to that until hes older, we'll just need a bigger bed. i mainly wanted to night wean him as i was getting too exhausted with his 1 to 2 hourly feeds at night

OP posts:

adath · 07/02/2007 20:50

The thing about the no cry sleep solution is that it does take time and you only use the bits that you want to use for your particular situation but over time is does work.

I am glad you are getting a bit more sleep at the moment it does make things easier even if you do have the odd bad night you will feel a bit more refreshed for them.

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