Separation anxiety - mine not theirs

[Miaou]

Because of the kind of lifestyle we have I didn't realise this was such a problem until the other day when this happened.

To cut a long story short, I had a heated discussion with other members of a group I help to run that organises music tuition. Without giving too much away, we live in a remote area and had the option of having tuition here or about 45 mins away by ferry. For various complex reasons the rest of the group preferred to go to the other location for the lessons, which I am OK with.

However, because of work commitments, most weeks I am not going to be able to take them to these music lessons. Other mums have offered to take my dds when they go ... but the thought of it makes me VERY anxious.

I think the reasons are twofold. Firstly, I am hardly ever separated from them. I was their nursery teacher for two years, and am now classroom assistant in their school, which is barely 200 yards from home. They don't often get invited round to others' houses to play and have never had 'sleepovers' at others' houses. My family lives a long way away so they don't go to visit them without us. I'm not used to having a distance between us.

Secondly, the parents who have offered to take them have .... well, different views to supervision than me. Quite a few times I have been concerned about what their kids get up to when they are not being watched. Since the journey to the lesson involves boats and water rather than kids in carseats etc ... even writing this is making me fill up, I am so upset even about the thought of it.

And I suppose this is the nub of the problem - I guess I am probably overreacting, everyone else seems to think I am mad (apart from dh, who if anything is more extreme than me). Needless to say, I have not shared my worries about the supervision issues! I feel really mean for making my kids miss out on music lessons but know I would be beside myself with worry if I let them go. But also I don't think my anxiety is appropriate - my dds are 7 and 5 - surely I should be a bit more secure about letting them go with other people?

Please, does anyone else feel like this about their kids? What can I do to assuage my fears? I've got tears running down my face as I type this - I've got to try and get some control of myself

Just bumping this up because I am desperate for any advice. Sorry if I sound a bit sorry for myself - just get very worked up sometimes.

OK I have to be blunt, I think you're over-reacting. i assumed initially that the kids were toddlers rather than school age. What is going to happen when they want to go on school trips (my dbro went on his first overnight trip in Y3)? At some point you are going to have to let the kids "test" the things about safety etc. you have been teaching them. I've no idea what sort of boat you are talking about but if it's a passenger ferry or something the kids would really have to try hard and be ignored completely to get into any trouble.

Realise this might not be the sort of thing you want to hear but i think you need to try and put this into some sort of perspective. I also wonder whether (if it's a small, isolated community0 you run the risk of isolating your kids if you stop them joining in activities taht you can't supervise? sort of "don't invite X because her mum won't let her come anyway", which would be very sad.

Thanks marialuisa, I appreciate your honesty. I know I am overreacting, just don't know what to do to get out of this rut really.

Miaou, Hi! I think you are right to be questioning yourself about this - well done, cos lots of people would probably just say 'they're not going' and leave it at that!
I think it is really important for growing children to have the opportunity to 'bring their world to you'. Through babyhood and toddlerdom we introduce them to the world around them, and enable them to experience the world alongside us, with us as their guides. To 'test' these skills, thsy now need the excitement and independence of coming to you with stories that you do not know yet, the powerful feeling of bringing their world to you. If you are constantly in the same world, school home etc, they can never do this.

Why not have another group meeting to dicuss a joint approach to the ferry journey, with all parents taking a turn. Make a space for everyone to say how they deal with children on ferries, decide what child:adult ratio there should be and check who allows kids on deck etc.

You know, of all the children who venture on to piers, the seal-watching open boats near my parents, cross-channel ferries, rowing boats on Battersea lake, I have NEVER heard of a child falling in. that is a privelidge that drunk adults reserve for themselves, isn't it?

I have to agree with what's been said. You have to start letting them have a bit of freedom and you shouldn't deprive them of the opportunity to do something they want and to have some social interaction without you because you are nervous. We are all protective of our kids but it does sound like your situation is unusual. However you run the risk of isolating them and possibly even turning them against you if you try to protect them too much.
Plus if you can start to get used to them doing a few things without you then you get a bit of freedom back to enjoy your own life, which is also valuable.
Time to let go a bit.

Thanks Blu and Sponge, you're helping me to gain a bit of perspective. I've been having a bit more of a think about my anxiety and remembered that dd2 aged 2 broke her arm in the school playground when I was supposed to be watching her and wasn't - I couldn't have stopped it happening but felt so guilty that she had to come and find me - still think about that a lot. Plus, as I said before, dh is even more anxious about them than me (honestly), so I don't have any 'letting go' support from there.

You know Miaou I have a lot of sympathy for your position, even if you feel in the end that things are ok. When I was a child, everyone on my street was allowed to play out, except me and my sister. It was mildly frustrating.

Now as an adult I totally respect that decision. The road was busy and the age of children playing about was between 3 and 10. That might be ok for other parents, but not for me, even now and I'm grateful to my parents for their caution.

Sometimes I think the best thing to do is go with your gut instincts on this. Your children are still very young.

Best of luck - hope I haven't confused matters

Jxxx

Not at all, two - i'm finding it useful to hear different opinions.

Up until now I've always followed my gut instincts but now I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just using that as an excuse for not being 'brave' enough to let them go!

Why don't you go with them the first time, and then let your friends take them on other times. You can see for yourself how they behave and have a little talk about safety. I do think you do have to let go a little, and they will benefit from a little, safe distance from you. I know how you feel, I really do, but they aren't toddlers any more, I am sure they are sensible girls and I'm sure your friends will take good care of them. The thing with this sort of thing is to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. A few successful trips and you will feel much more confident. Also, talk to your friend who will be taking care of them. Say, "I know you'll think I'm crazy, but I am so worried about not being with them and I'm driving myself mad about them being near water." That will give your friend the opportunity to reassure you and talk about supervision etc. Don't bottle it up.

You could even say, half-jokingly, "Would you mind if I called you a couple of times on the mobile just to check everything's OK - I'm such a worrier." And then do it. If you talk to your friends honestly I'm sure they will bend over backwards to help you.

You're right, Aloha. Miaou, I took my 5 yr old nephew camping overnight, and I was absolutely happy when SIL called me repeatedly to check that I wouldn't use candles in the tent, put him to bed without warm jimjams, let him go to the creek by himself, entertain a tentload of drunk men, cook deadly nightshade on a campfire...because she and I both knew it was about her anxiety about him being away for the night, and nothing to do with her views on my common sense or competence as an Aunt!

Thank you, I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only one who gets overanxious. Next step is to persuade dh that it's a good idea .

I can't go this saturday but I think another mother who I trust is going to go, so I think I may take a deep breath and let them go. Dh is away so I have to discuss this with him by phone; bit of an advantage as he can't argue with me for too long!

Thank you all for your advice; I have calmed down a lot now and feel a bit more mature and slightly less pathetic about it all!