Days at home with toddler: how self-indulgent are we allowed to be?

[Lilybugbrain]

This post comes as a result of my own guilt I guess and a comment made by an older lady this afternoon.
I work part-time in a crappy, demanding job with colleagues who act like bullies, not much towards me anymore, but others. I hate the negativity and find the job soul destroying tbh.
On my days off with my toddler, I've been feeling completely exhausted particularly since he has begun having tantrums. I'm used to trying to squeeze in toddler activities and meet-ups with other friends and toddlers to keep him occupied on my days off. However, DS would just have huge tantrums and I'd feel exhausted by all of the noise of childrens play areas and constant chatter about potty training etc etc.
I now do just one toddler activity per week with other mums and spend the rest of the time either at home with DS, going for a walk or pottering around the shops. I've felt much much calmer and rested as a result.

Today, I took DS out for lunch to an old fashioned tea room in the centre of town. It was v quiet, but DS is always well behaved when he has sandwiches and cake! No dishes for me, a restful trip out and enjoyable 1:1 time with DS.

The waitress seemed surprised when I said I needed a table for just DS and I and there were a few snooty women sitting around the table next to us. One of them commented that DS was being very well behaved but said "I'd bet you'd much prefer to be playing some here noisy and having fun with your friends though wouldn't you."

I may be taking this too seriously and sensitively but I left the tea room feeling really guilty that I've become quite self indulgent on my days off with DS. Should I be doing more child friendly activories with him and other children? Or is one activity a week enough? We don't have any other children in the immediate family so he doesn't see other children at home, however he goes to nursery on the days I work. How much stuff does everyone else do on their days off with DCS?

I take my 2.5 yo to cafes all the time! She loves it and so do I so why wouldn't I?! We do some toddler activities too but why not do something you both enjoy? It sounds lovely!

Should I have put a MN "lighthearted" disclaimer on my last post?!

Anyway, my point is I think our generation is programmed to overanalyse and worry, and we do place a great deal of stock in others' opinions as we're always doubting ourselves. Obviously a massive generalisation but the combination of having children later, stepping away from our career and a much greater prevalence of private information about family life being publicly available through social media makes us question ourselves more than our mothers or grandmothers ever did.

Keep on as you are OP, you sound lovely to me.

Lily, I work four a lot and every Friday my 2 year old and I chose to do something together, just the two of us.
This stroke a cord because, if I try to meet a friend, he acts up.
He just wants me as he missed me. So I usually do spend at least a couple of hours with him on his own. It usually involves coffee and cake too!
If your DS is getting socialised at nursery and meeting peers, then him spending time alone with you is exactly what he needs after his own busy days.
But if he's not meeting other children by being solely with a childminder, then I do think he should probably meet his own age every so often.
But one on one parent time does trump all!

Don't feel guilty at all!'I have one day a week just me and my toddler between school runs and those 6 hours are my only down time. So once essential jobs are done we do stuff to please us both. She's happy so long as she's with a parent and that doesn't mean constant kiddie-focused activity (that's what I pay nursery for!).

It sounds lovely for both of you. I know my toddler would enjoy it.

Oh dear robindeer, never admit to drinking gin while CBeebies is on . The unwritten rule is that mothers never speak of those afternoons.

I agree with furrygiraffe, toddlers don't need constant activity or stimulation. They also don't need to be entertained every hour of the day. Sometimes you have to chuck them in the trolley and spent a boring hour in Tescos.

My great aunt told me that she and her friend used to put the toddler in a big box with biscuits to eat while they drank Southern Comfort. One of her children went on to get a first from Oxbridge and became CEO of a large corporation while the other got an OBE for their work, so her parenting seems to have worked

I don't feel quite so indulgent now. Infact, it makes complete sense to do stuff that pleases us both.
I think I feel pressured because I love my 1:1 time with DS and we have a lot of it. On the other hand, my mummy friends seem to spend a lot of time with each other and around other mums at groups/organised events etc. When they do have 1:1 time with DCS, they seem to go to a lot of 'organised' activities. They don't seem to get worn out by it like me, so think I pressure myself to be more like them and try harder to manage being constantly busy.
At one point I was doing 2 big activities during each day off and DS was napping in the car in between each one as they were miles apart. I completely burnt out eventually and made myself ill resulting in time off work. I almost feel ashamed that I couldn't keep up with the pace that so many other mums seem to live.

I love times when it's just me and my toddler pootling about! He loves going to our local cafe for a coffee (which is actually just warm milk with chocolate sprinkles ) my ds goes to nursery three days so I think it does him good to just be

Another coffee shop lover here, I have 5dc between 10 and 4months who have all been frequenting cafes of one sort or another since they were in the womb. I firmly believe this has contributed to their learning good manners and appropriate behaviour for different places, such as libraries, restaurants and even the classroom. I also enjoy much happy time with them pottering to and from wherever we are going, taking a different route, finding insects or a new place to play. Anytime I ask who fancies going for a coffee, I'm met with a chorus of "meeeee", even the 1 year old will happily chant "cafe"! 😄. I still remember fondly going to cafes with my mum as a tot, 1 on 1 time with no chores or distractions, with a cake or other treat, used to make me feel like I was abit special and grown up. I think children respond to this and act accordingly, building skills, and of course lovely memories, for later life.

What nasty, busy body women in the cafe OP. Mum guilt never goes away though. Im currently on mat leave with new baby and DS- 2 1/2- some days so knackered we spend whole days at home- playing inside, watching tv, and playing in garden. He's perfectly happy but I still feel rubbish that I don't take him somewhere kid specific i.e. playground/soft play.
Teaching him to sit at a table in a restaurant, eat and behave is amazing parenting and I wish I'd persevered more with this earlier. You sounds like a lovely mum- all they really need at this age is love, food, the ability to run around at home/play with toys and a bit of fresh air each day.

My son still loves to go for tea and cake, and he's 14! Well now he's bigger he likes to order Eggs Benedict then cake... I have found that many (probably most) kids like to do things adults like doing too, although they enjoy letting loose and charging round they really enjoy real life things. I often take my toddler for tea, she tends to lead me to the park cafe before she goes to the playground! She enjoys pointing out what she would like to have and loves to sit and chat while I top up on caffeine. I don't think this is self indulgent at all, and tbh, it is more restorative for you and therefore better for your son as he will enjoy the rested you more than the stressed one.

Don't feel guilty at all. To be honest, I'd say you were making much better use of your time with your son - you're having special, one on one time and actually doing something together. You've taken the old lady's comment as a criticism - I would actually read it as a compliment - that she thought your son was so well behaved that she was moved to comment. (Highest compliment ever for a lot of people from that generation, in my experience!). The rest - about fun with friends - was probably just a filler so she didn't sound like a Victorian type.

I may get flamed for this, but a lot of mums do communal activities because it's easier for them. I always found it a lot less stressful on the afternoons I went to soft play or the garden centre with a friend and the two of us sat drinking coffee, chatting and vaguely keeping an eye on four of them between us.... A mix is good, but it sounds like that's what your son is getting. So please don't worry!

I've had exactly the same thoughts this week, feeling guilty that me and my toddler don't fill our days off with groups and activities. In actual fact though, what we DID do (coffee out, mooch around a museum, go to see nanny, lots of CBeebies on the sofa) was probably much more beneficial for the both of us. I find the 'mum guilt' crippling, I don't know where it comes from!

....plus, the friend I have who always scheduled groups for her days off - eg "We are looking for a group for a Tuesday morning as we don't have anything then" - I think did so because she found it hard to amuse her children independently. You obviously don't struggle at all with that. A lot of groups are as much for mothers to give them some structure to the week and an opportunity for them to make friends. You don't feel the need for that. There's nothing wrong AT ALL with that. In fact, I'd wager that many people would look at you with envy!

I get this guilt. On mat leave I regularly met up with my mum friends but after going back to work it was harder to make the days work with everyone's schedules and then I got DHorse and suddenly our days were spent at the stables and pottering. We do go out when my Dad comes to visit and she gets 2.5 days at an amazing nursery but I feel bad all the time that I don't do more with her.

OP your post about rushing from one activity to another and feeling burnt out struck a chord with me. During my first maternity leave with DD I felt the same. I was friends with a group of new mums who had mapped out activities every day of the week and I got caught up in all of this. At one point I was taking DD to baby yoga, baby massage, music class/rhyme time, sensory play and baby swimming. I was exhausted and wish I'd had the sense to just kick back and relax with her. To this day some of the mums from that group are still heavily into their activities. The latest email I received from them was about Mandarin classes for toddlers at 10am on a Saturday. More power to their elbows, I don't know where they find the energy.

Anyway, by the time I had DS 11 months ago I'd learned my lesson. He has not been to a single baby activity, we often spend the morning in local cafes and shops and he doesn't seem to be suffering any ill effects from this:)

I love taking my two (2 and 4) for tea and cake and just having down time. They are much better behaved. Other kids tend to set off bad behaviour (almost competitive playing up!) so we have one (exhausting) park play date a week and my other day off is a slow day of cafes, library, pottering and a film. Would do the same if I just had one. My p/t job is stressful for similar reasons so need at least one chilled day.

Really enjoying finding out what other people get up to on their days off with toddlers. It seems tea and cake is a favourite! So glad I wrote the thread. Already planning next week's cake date!