12yo never went to school yesterday I think she has anxiety how do I help her?

[sweetkitty]

DD1 started secondary school this year (in Aug were in Scotland) at first she enjoyed it but the last few weeks she has been saying she doesn't want to go. Plus I've had about 20 texts a day from her things like where are you? What times will you be home etc etc

Cut to tonight, she told me at bedtime she didn't go to school yesterday. She got ready walked up to catch the bus then had a panic attack came home and by that time the bus had gone. She says she spent the day on the sofa with the dog!

She texted me and her Dad loads yesterday things like "got PE next" "in the queue for lunch" so loads of lies she's said she was terrified to tell us.

She is worrying about everything just now, she always had trouble with her friend group, there was only 8 girls in the year at primary and despite our efforts she went to the same school as them all. Now she's trying to make new friends but has found a few nice girls but the old lot are making life hard for her telling her she's a teachers pet and that she's changed!

To make matters worse I've went back to uni after 12 years at home, she and her younger sister are having to get themselves to school a few mornings now plus I'm not there for an hour after they come home cue loads of guilt from me. She texts me constantly asking where I am telling me she's loves me etc.

I have bad anxiety so I recognise it in her and of course DH doesn't understand and thinks we should both get a grip and worrying about things that might not happen is a waste of time!

I'm sat here in floods how can I help my sensitive beautiful baby girl?

Speak to the school it won't be the 1st time they have encountered problems like this. They should know how to deal with and probably assign a certain teacher your dd can go to if she's anxious worried or upset about something. It's good that she has opened up to you about how she's feeling and that she skipped school she obviously knows it's wrong to miss school. I'd also be querying why school didn't contact you when she failed to turn in

Yes thanks will be phoning school today as to why I wasn't contacted.

Phoned the school her guidance teacher called me back he apologised for not texting me she wasnt there blamed it on the cuts. He had already pulled DD1 out of the class and spoken to her I didn't want him to do that!!! DD1 said she felt she couldn't talk to him he's a stranger. She says she hates school and counts down the hours until she's home. She feels scared of another girl that she might hurt her. She's worried about her dad not coming home, me not coming home, DD2 coming home, DD3 and DS in afterschool club, even the dog!

She's all over the place I'm all over the place with guilt that I'm doing this course and not in the house for her. I'm lashing out at DH because he's useless at things like this.

Might sound odd but ask her to ring child line for advice. My friend is a counsellor for them, it's not all about child abuse it's about children looking for advice and guidance on whatever is troubling them. They are specifically trained to deal with young people who are struggling with one thing or another. They'll be able to talk through how she's feeling and guide her in a way she can relate too the anonymity might help too she might feel embarrassed to speak to someone she knows.
Do what you can to re assure her that you'll all still be home at the end of the day but urge her to get some counselling advice from an organisation aimed at her age range to settle her anxiety

It does sound like your daughter needs some support but please don't feel guilty about your uni course - it is completely reasonable for you to be doing it and however worried you are about your daughter try not to apologise about doing the course to her. Uncertainty will not help her and if she thinks there is a possibility you might give up/postpone your course then that is worse than her being certain of what to expect for the next x years. So try to be confident about the benefits of you doing the course - see it as both of you making a new educational start together? Sorry if you've already done this but if you are prone to anxiety then it is easy to feel very negative about decisions you have made.

Do you think any of her behaviour could be to do with making sure she still has your attention? I don't mean that she is 'just being naughty' (I have some anxiety issues myself so I know just how disruptive they can be), just wondered whether perhaps she knows what behaviours will lead to you reacting in certain ways (i.e worrying about her) which make her feel reassured in some way?

I'm sure there is a professional out there who could help you disentangle her behaviour and hopefully others will give you better advice on where to look for that. I just wanted you not to feel like your uni course has caused this. It sounds like you need to educate your husband about genuine anxiety (I have this book which I have found very helpful www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Anxiety-Stress-Panic-Approach/dp/1444163140) .
I hope you find the right people to help - I'm sure they're out there.

Can she find an activity outside school so she meets some different people? I appreciate this may be tricky as I presume you must be in a rural area with 8 children in a class.