Nearly 4 year old hitting me

[ScrumpyBetty]

DS will be 4 in December. I am at my wits end with him hitting out at me every time he gets angry, or I say no to him.

Have tried talking to him ' hitting makes mummy sad, it isn't nice' etc. I have tried putting him in a calm down space until he apologies. I now use time out which involves putting him in his room and shutting the door, leaving him for a few minutes until I return for a chat and an apology from him.

Nothing is working and I don't know what else to try. For information, I work 3 days a week, DS goes to nursery for 2 and spends the other day with my mum. He is an only child. I try to spend lots of time with him- we read stories, go on outings, build dens, I play with him, have play dates with friends, all the usual. I really do try and make sure he feels loved. What am I doing wrong?

DS both hit me & spat at me for a couple of months at that age. He just did it to me, not DP. Like you, I worked 3 days a week & DS was at nursery for those three days. I checked he wasn't behaving like it at nursery & they were amazed to hear of his behaviour at home & told me some children did hit & spit at nursery. As you're doing, I was very calm & just took DS to his room, the corner of the park, out of the shop etc and told him we don't hit/spit & made the next few minutes really boring. We got there! I think it was just him trying out behaviours & seeing what it felt like & what happened. He chose me as the victim as he felt most secure with me.

Thanks Boa, that's reassuring. He gets so angry when things don't go his way and I don't know how to help him manage his anger. Like yours, my DS is good as gold at nursery, it's just me he hits out at!

DD also went through a hitting, foot stamping phase. With her, it was a bit later (about 4.5 - 5yrs) and it was less experimentation, more actual anger. She had spent the whole day being an angel at school & was just ready to explode when she got home. If she hadn't already exploded, she got sent out on the trampoline to try & jump her anger & frustration off; if she did (or had) exploded, she was sent to her room & told she could hit her pillow & big teddies (she had two which weren't much smaller than she was). She was just full of rage and needed a release. This was usually followed by floods of tears, a long cuddle and a sob story and all of the injustices that had happened at school that day (she wanted to use a pink pencil but someone else did, she should have been first in the line but someone pushed in & the teacher didn't see & other major issues!). We referred to this as her being in a "muddle" as she just didn't know what to do with herself. I never got cross with her as I almost felt she couldn't help herself.