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I know Dh is wrong and I am right....I just want you all to confirm it......

24 replies

LadyTophamHatt · 03/02/2007 12:25

Ok, so todays plan was to get up and out the house as early as possible to go to Drusillas (its a zoo/park place a few miles up the road).
Told ds1+2 to get dressed, and tidy their room and for Ds1 to go down stair and oick uo all the paper he'd left all over the floor ASAP without arguing, bickering and fighting.

As per usual the aruging etc was almost constant so I said one more chance and we're not going.

Finally they are all ready and their room is tidy(almost 1.5hrs later), just me left to get dressed. We come down stairs to get breakfast and the front room is a tip, paper still everywhere, cups left on the floor, telly and lights all on....basically nothing has been down down satirs so I said "Ok we're not going"

Dh agrees and says he's taking juts Ds3.

Ds1+2 moan and cry and whing and go on and on and on and on and on and on.

I know it's only a matter of time before Dh asks me if they can go.

Anyway, cutting out all the arguing me and Dh do about what lesson are they learning by him taking then when I've told them they can't go (Ie, if they moan for long enough DH will take us anyway).

He's taken all 3 because "It's hardly any fun just taking one of them"

No means no, doesn't it??
No stays meaning No regardless of how much they moan, doesn't it??
No doesn't change to yes if they constantly go on about wanting something....

I'm right aren't I??

I guarantee they@ll come home and dh will say one of them wasa nightmare, misbehaved constantly etc etc....I'll be dying to say "i told you so!" but I won't....hpefully it'll be a lesson learned for dh!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
itsmeNDP · 03/02/2007 12:27

You are right

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 12:27

You're right!
No means no!

cruisemum1 · 03/02/2007 12:28

you are definitely right! at your dh - grrrrrrrrr

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franke · 03/02/2007 12:28

You are right and I wouldn't hold back on the "I told you so" later either. Ram it home good and proper.

LadyTophamHatt · 03/02/2007 12:32

he does this all the bloody time too, which makes my life great fun when he's not here because the kids think they'll get what they want from me too....

OP posts:
Freckle · 03/02/2007 12:35

We had this one day when we were going to take all 3 boys to Legoland. The older two misbehaved so I said they couldn't go. DH went with DS3 and the other two were so pissed off. Mind you, it meant I didn't get to go either so I was pissed with them. DH had a great day, I didn't.

In this house, no means no.

Blandmum · 03/02/2007 12:36

You are right. He is wrong.

They have to learn (because we all have to learn this, it isn't inate) that actions have consequences. Some are good consequences and some are bad. We modify our behaviour to get the outcome we want.

In my experience some of the most difficult kids I have worked with have parents who don't follow through on the consequences (I'm sure this isn't the case in the little tophamhats, but yuo se what I mean)

colditz · 03/02/2007 12:36

I would point out to your DH that "No means yes" is NOT a message you want your boys to learn. That sort of message could land someone on the sex offender's list in 10 years time.

Now we all know your lovely boys are not like that, but it's a message worth pointing out to your dh, maybe?

GhostOfMumsnet · 03/02/2007 12:48

No means no.

I have to keep telling DH that you have to be careful what you threaten because you HAVE to follow through with it. If you don't think that stopping them going on a trip is something you can do then tell them that they wont get a toy/sweet ect when you get there or tell them when they get home they go to their room.

suedonim · 03/02/2007 12:59

No means no. And in your place I wouldn't tidy up the mess any more than necessary to make yourself comfortable. Then when ds1&2 get home they will still have to tidy up. At least they will learn a small lesson that not everything can be avoided.

fryalot · 03/02/2007 13:02

you are SO right.

LadyTophamHatt · 03/02/2007 13:07

ohhh, don't worry sue, DS4 has me firmly pinned to this chair. Excluding a few trips to the biscuit tin I've been here the whole time

I'm not doing anything.

OP posts:
wheresthehamster · 03/02/2007 13:43

I have a similar dp, great dad but the "no fun without the others" is him all over.

We pull our hair out with our 3 dds and I'm sure it's because dp can't see the effect of his confusing parenting skills. I think he wants to come across as the nice one. If we carried through our threats I'm sure things would improve but he never gives it a chance!

You were totally right, the children were warned of the consequences. Now it just reinforces the fact that they don't have to take any notice of you. (A mirror image of our house)!

wotzsaname · 03/02/2007 13:48

i didnt even read it, of course you are right.

Polgara2 · 03/02/2007 13:48

You're right but tbh I would have picked another punishment in the first place. Don't like not following through on a promised trip somewhere, they'd be miserable and I would have a humungus guilt trip despite knowing I was in the right!!

NbgsYellowFeathers · 03/02/2007 13:51

It would have taught them a very good lesson if he hadnt have taken them.
Probably would have made the day a bit more hectic for you though

rachelhill · 03/02/2007 21:46

Couldn't you just slap them sometimes (DHs I mean). I know I'm in for JUST this sort of discussion in a few years time.

You are absolutely totally right. But he won't listen.

He's just taught your kids that mummys and probably other women, don't need to be taken seriously.

Go on...just give him a little slap from me? Perllleeeasse?

Seriously I'm not advocating violence but that is just infuriating behaviour!

exbury · 05/02/2007 10:29

DH drives me nuts, not by giving in, but by picking the wrong threats - he threatens DS with not doing things which I want to do as well - we do end up following through and not going, because DS will not take the way out ("you can earn it back if you....") but then I end up missing out - now me, I threaten withdrawal of things which DS loves and I hate (like kids TV) - no problem following through on those, even when it does mean DS storming and shouting for an hour

pinkandsparkly · 05/02/2007 18:33

Last summer my friend and I had planned a lovely day trip to a local adventure park with her 2 dc. I was all packed and actually on my way over when she rang me to say her dc's behaviour had been bad since they had woken up and then, whilst on their final warning they had been REALLY naughty. The upshot of this was we didn't go. They were warned, they took no notice, end of.

Her eldest ds was very subdued when I arrived and later he asked 'can we go next week instead?' He was told that the trip (with playgroup) was a one off and that he would have to wait a very long time before they could go again.

A very important lesson learned.

Seems to unanimous LTH, you're right, he's wrong!

Elasticwoman · 05/02/2007 19:08

My opinion, fwiw, is this. You are right that no means no and dh is wrong to undermine your authority.

However, you did make things rather difficult for yourself. Telling kids to tidy up the whole mess (one instruction, however many times repeated) is very hard. It is more effective to give smaller instructions one at a time eg first I want you to get all the dirty clothes off that floor and put them HERE. And you need smaller, less draconian sanctions or incentives, such as if you've done that in the next 5 mins, I'll help you with the next task which is .... And we're not leaving this house until xyz have all been done. If they still drag their feet: we need to leave by x o'clock or it's not worth going at all.
Depending on their ages, a certain amount of supervision and help is needed with clearing up. And if you are with them you might be able to nip any fighting in the bud before it becomes a capital offence.

Not sure if I'm making myself clear here: yes I know they made the mess and ideally should clear it up. But they are only children and there is a huge range of options for you in between (a) getting them to clear up entire mess with perfect good humour and manners and (b) doing the whole lot yourself while they loudly whinge, fight and make more mess in your wake.

lou33 · 05/02/2007 19:12

no means no

dd1 has missed out on a few trips to the pool with myself, my bf and my other kids, because of this reason

NappiesGalore · 05/02/2007 19:20

oh gawd LTH - havnt read the thread (hate when people do/say that - read it then!!lol)

BUT my dp does exactly that all the sodding time and it drives me nuts!! no, it wears me down. sigh.

its not all the time really, but it really is a PITA when they do... all the effort and hard work you do trying to teach the DC how youd like them to behave, undone in a stroke coz its the easier road at the time.

sympathy.

Cappuccino · 05/02/2007 19:22

dh was wrong

but as has been said before, I've learned my lesson before about saying 'if you don't do this you can't go' and I don't think it's a good idea

so you weren't 100% right imo. But more right than your dh

aviatrix · 05/02/2007 19:27

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