newborn, toddler, life, energy etc

[tintinenamerique]

I know this has been done to death in many guises, but please, any suggestions of how to make life easier.
I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. 2 year old does 2 hours creche 4x a week. He's a well behaved little lad...but he's 2!!
2 month old is adorable but fusses and isn't the best napper. Will go down but needs my attention, a feed and a darkened room...not ideal when I have a toddler to deal with too.
Nights are manageable - 2 feeds and straight back to sleep.
But I'm exhausted, I feel empty (iron levels are fine), constantly hungry and just pooped.
I'm also struggling with guilt as I don't have the energy/enthusiasm/time/hands to give the toddler the attention I would like. DH is good and around to help with bedtimes etc, though I am frustrated at not being able to do more by myself (finding double bath/bedtime hard), also don't feel that I am able to give him the attention I would like.
As for me - how do I regain a sense of self and/or find any time to do anything for me???
Guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed with (what feels like) all the demands.
Thanks

Can't really help except to say that you're finding it hard not because there is something wrong with you but because it actually is really hard! this can be quite a relief to realise...

The only words of comfort I can offer is that every day you're a step closer to it getting easier. You've got a long road ahead (silly to pretend otherwise) but soon they'll be three and one - your eldest might be at nursery and your youngest will have regular morning and pm naps and hopefully sleep better at night.

Then they'll be 4 and 2 and your eldest will become quite civilised and start school. And then, your eldest will be at school at your youngest at preschool some of the time.

Until you finally reach nirvana and they are both at school full time and are reasonably rational creatures. I have just reached that stage. Its wonderful. They are just 7 and nearly 5 and its so lovely - they are very sweet but can look after themselves much more and are generally quite reasonable. Plus they are away from me every day from 8.45 to 3.15

Good luck and just keep plodding on.

In terms of managing the crisis of having one very tiny baby and a small toddler, I used to just go out as much as poss. They liked being in the car, walking around in the pram etc. It made me feel much better and in control.

I used to feel close to losing it and sometimes did shut myself in the bathroom for a little sob. Its really hard. DH and I had some blazing rows in those days as we were so overstretched and I shouted at the kids a few times too when it all got a bit much.

Just do what you can do - mine watched lots of TV when her baby brother was tiny, we just muddled through the days in a fog.

See friends and go out. Thats my advice. Everyone feels better after some fresh air and a walk.

The other thing - you feel your DS is missing out now, but soon when your baby is bigger he will have a playmate and little children love playing together. When he is 3 and baby is 18 months you will realise that having a second baby, although it deprived him of some of your attention, was also a great bonus for him. I don't know what my two would do without each other.

I suppose I'm just going to be echoing what everyone else has been saying. Not much advice but I can offer support in that I totally get it!

I have 3, youngest now 9 months old. DD is 4 and has just started school this month, eldest is 11 and has started high school but suffers a lot with anxiety and has done for years now, so that can be stressful on top of having to just be there for them. Now the eldest 2 are in school full time it is definitely easier though!

Try and get toddler into nursery for a bit longer to give you that space & time with baby. When baby sleeps can you just sit & chill with a cuppa? (I would say sleep but this never worked for me!). It's hard when you don't have a lot of day to day support, but as they get older it does get easier.

It gets better. Dc1 is now 2.5 and dc2 is 9 months and the last couple of weeks it's definitely been much better. Dc2 didn't sleep much in the day (still doesn't) and I felt constantly guilty I wasn't doing enough with dc1.

In the early days dc1 watched a lot of CBeebies. We also went to a lot of different playgroups. These were easier for me than trips out to parks etc as someone would watch/hold one child whilst I dealt with the second.

My husband used to plate up sandwiches for me and the toddler before he went to work. That was great and saved me time and clearing up.

Thank you for all the supportive messages. Generally things could be a lot worse, ds2 is a very easy baby and sleeps well at night. Ds1 is not a particularly difficult child, just a normal 2 year old! But I just needed to know that
A) it is hard (it's not just me)
B) it gets easier
Friends with toddlers and newborns seem to be finding it all so easy which makes me think that I must be missing a trick somehow.
I guess lowering my expectations would be a good start. Like the doula idea, might look into it so there's someone to entertain the baby so I can spend some 1-2-1 time with toddler.
Thanks again

Yes to (A) hoping fervently for (B). Actually I think I'm about a month ahead of you and apart from the sleep regression it might just be getting easier. The toddler and baby have more interaction and made each other giggle for about ten minutes yesterday (that's not the norm but helped a lot!)
I try to remember that actually they would probably both be pretty difficult ages individually and we're just getting it out of the way. They are called terrible twos for a reason.
I'm glad it's not just my toddler that is daddy-obsessed too!

Just checking in to say me too. Still finding it ridiculously hard hard hard (17 month gap). Toddler is Also daddy obsessed which I'm hating because I feel like I've permanently ruined my relationship with him by having ds2.. Stupidly I feel jealous when I see him following daddy around while I have to deal with the baby.

Ds2 is breastfed and waking approx every 3 hours at night still. He also Won't settle in the evenings yet so I literally have no time to myself whether it be day, evening or night! . Baby also hates the Pram and screams unless he's held it in the sling. Clearly not practical with a toddler.....!

Both of my parents are also dead. Parents in law are good anda Help but very busy so don't have much time on their hands.

Toddler groups are good I'm finding but it's so difficult keeping ds1 in check at them as he's a proper whirlwind. Some of the Other parents (especially those with one child or bigger age gaps) don't understand I think and I sometimes get judgements looks if ds1 is playing up though!

tint hope you're bearing up! Also that everyone else is!! Chocolate and wine are currently my saviours. Not good for shifting post pregnancy flab I know but I don't have time to think about that and I couldn't face a diet right now!

alice how old are yours now....? Just saw your post about "getting easier" (praying)

**chattycat, that sounds really tough. How old are yours? Don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid. I'm trying to put in a bit more QT with ds1 in the hope it will stop some of the tantrums/crying/moaning. Wish me luck!

FWIW I have found it gets easier after baby hits 4 months.
Get out of the house; toddler walks/ picks up stones etc, baby sleeps in sling (feed before leaving & know where benches are for easy sit down bf), you get fresh air. When baby is asleep & you're holding toddler's hand they feel like they have mummy to themselves.
Sit in garden & blow bubbles, baby will watch, toddler will run around, you get to breath deeply!

Littlest is four months and eldest is 26 months. The little one enjoys watching the older a bit these days, can go longer between sleeps and feeds and I can put her down for 15 mins or so at a time. Bedtimes are still really difficult because she wants to sleep earlier than the toddler but won't stay asleep without me. I keep reminding myself that this is family life, tears, laughter, milk all over the kitchen floor. It's a life lesson in how to stop being a perfectionist.
My toddler was daddy obsessed before I even got pregnant again, so at least I know that's not baby related. He sees a lot more of me than when I'm working full time anyway.

More tears than laughter today though!

I am in the same boat although my big one is 3.5 he is not happy about having less time for me to play with him. He's also watching a lot of tv at the moment. I think that's the main thing about having a second that I didn't realise, the guilt! The guilt of ruining your relationship with your first born and not being able to give them attention. Its awful.
I'm glad to hear it gets easier eventually. Ds1 got easier at about 6 months and would sleep in his cot and was able to be put down for longer so I'm hoping that's the case with Ds2 as well. (he's 4.5 months)
You are definitely not alone OP!

Think you're quite right 5minutes, even though I have another child, for me it's still all about ds1, how I'm neglecting him, shouting at him, not giving him what he needs etc etc. Anyone with older dcs, is this a very difficult she (28 months) anyway? Without throwing a new baby into the mix?

It's fucking hard but oh my god it gets easier. One day you'll turn around, and they'll be playing together, getting targeted quality attention from you, you'll have time for housework, and it's just like the sun has come out.

Thanks Dustoff I try to console myself with the fact that they are very cute ages. It must also be beneficial for the toddler not to be the sole target of my neuroses.

Totally agree alice. Toddler is precious enough, once we get over the tantrums, v much hoping his personality will be positively shaped by arrival of ds2

I have been where you are - I'm 2 years on and have a 4 year old and 2 year old.

The truth has been said by other posters - it is fucking hard but it gets much much better - all that achieves that is time passing!

My children (both of whom were bad sleepers) - sleep from 730 till 730 roughly every night - I wake up before them and drink coffee on my own in my kitchen at 7am and its AWESOME!

I am not tired anymore apart from usual feelings about life / kids/ work.

My son is at school al day and me and hte 2 yr old just hang out and life is pretty relaxed .

You have a 8 week old ! of course you are exhausted - you would be exhausted if you didn't haev a 2 year old.

I think you have to roll with it, go to bed early and know it gets better.

oh - and since my little one was mobile the two of them have been playing together brilliantly. I can now leave them alone playing together in the living room - even though the 2 year old isn't that verbal they invent games like jumping onto piles of cushions or hiding in dens.

It is so so sweet - and makes home life so much easier than when my son was 2 and had to be entertained solely by us.

tint mine are 3 months and 20 months. I know I shouldn't be wishing the time on but I cant help it! I really feel like I've lost all sense of self and the tiredness and constant b feeding aren't helping! I think I've had a grand total of 2 child free hours to myself since the baby came along.

I have a 3.5 year old and a 9 month old and it is much easier now I promise! The baby is crawling, can enjoy things like soft play and swings so the two of them already have some shared interests. We have just spent the day out in the park having a picnic, baby on swings and crawling around the play area. I'm back at work next week and know I will really miss being at home with them full time.

Even the toddler tantrums have all but disappeared now

I've not had number 2 yet but due in Feb.. when I'll be the the same situation as you.

My dd goes to a private nursery 2 days a week now (at work) which im going to keep up but its a bit expensive so i'll probably drop to 1/2 days when my mat pay starts to drop. But there is a pre school in our village where they can go every morning for 3 hour from 2 years and its only £10 per session.. is there anything like that your eldest could go to?

I'm really worried for when baby arrives!! We just went away with some people with a new born and my little girl lost her shit everytime i held this new born!!! I have a feeling she will not appreciate her new brother!!

Solutions I've found:

Drink a cafetiere of coffee each morning.
Wash your face with ice cold water.
Pretend you are in Ghostbusters and sling the little one on your back while you hoover.
Don't bother shouting at your husband it wastes energy.
Always remember to wash the bedsheets on a sunny day.
Have a couple of nice outfits that you can instantly put on if you need to meet colleagues or in laws.
Buy some expensive body oil.
Don't be afraid to weep quietly in the bathroom.
On the worst days, dress your children in outfits that amuse you.

Good luck. Remember that mothers are warriors.
xxxx