Really struggling with parenting & worried how it's affecting me & dc's mentally. Can anyone relate?

[Trickymoments]

I am really struggling with being a mum. My dc are 8 & 4 and are really hard work. I blame myself and dh as I think we've been too soft and relaxed with house rules or consequences for bad behaviour.

I am exhausted by my 4 year old. She whines about everything, is not happy unless everything is how she wants it. She is very sweet too but the tantrums seem to be increasing. I just can't seem to make her happy.

DS 8 is challenging and spends most of the time winding up dd or disobeying me. I have tried to implement house rules but he takes no notice of any of them.

We recently went on an all inclusive holiday which was a massive treat for us as we couldn't normally afford a holiday like this. It was awful as for the first 3 days dh & ds were ill and in bed. I was left to entertain dd who complained about everything from the food to getting splashed! By the middle of the week I was exhausted and had hardly spent 5 minutes with dh. We went for a night out and they ended up arguing over which colour straw to have, spilling drinks over us and all the locals looking on in disapproval! I walked home in tears & ds asked dh if we were still going to be married🙁

I can't seem to shake my low mood which I feel is made worse by me not being able to cope with parenting. I just can't do it. I am already on ad's but I just find the whole thing draining & depressing. I am worried about the impact this will have on my children. I don't want to make them emotionally messed up like me.

Can anyone understand or help please? I'm at my wits end and feel I have no one in rl to talk to as every other mum I know seems to manage fine. Why can't I do this?!

We all have bad days but when every day starts to feel like that then some thing needs to change. I know - I've been there. Would you consider going to the gp to review your ADs? It doesn't sound like they are working if you are always in a low mood and sorting them out will hopefully help you cope better and feel more positive. What do you think might help you in the longer term? More time for yourself or you and dh as a couple? If you and dh are happier that can massively improve DC's behaviour. Hopefully someone else will be along with more advice.

I sympathise. We have an 8 year old (youngest) who still tantrums like a fucking toddler and it fucking grinds me down. I truly lost it this morning.
Nothing cheery to add, sorry.

I think you need to get some help for yourself and with parenting. Parenting is hard, and everyone finds it tough at times. Buts it's harder when your having a hard time, which the kids pick up on and then play back to you (eg wining,
Fighting etc). It becomes a vicious cycle. But even when you not that it's not easy to get out of as there's never a break.

Can you break it down into stages? Something like:

1. Find a way to get some time to yourself. A weekend away? A bit of regular child care during the week? Both?
2. Find some parenting techniques that will help. I really like the book Calm Parents, Happy kids by Laura Markham. She's a child pyscologist so is really good on the drivers of kids behaviour and approaches that work long term. She also has a book about siblings. And a website www.ahaparenting.com She talks often about the importance of taking time to yourself to be able to parent well.
3. You. Maybe it's another depressants, maybe it's therapy or some other type of support. I did s weekend long therapy type group workshop a while ago. It was great for something I wanted to address. I found it worrying though, as every adult there was ultimately there to deal with how they had been parented! I spoke to the course leader (a psychotherapist) and asked what her advice / what she thought the lessons were for how to parent differently or better. She said:

'Honestly the best advice I can give you is to continue to work to face up to and truly address your own issues'

And there is much truth in that. Good luck

But even when you know that

The last sentance of the first para should say