I'm not your friend!

[julesrose]

Dropping off DD 3.5yrs at nursery this afternoon, patiently waiting to go in when another girl said to dd completely out of the blue - 'I'm not going to play with you today I'm playing with x'. DD visably hurt and then a bit confused when said girl started asking dd about model she'd bought in for show and tell. Heard lots of this around inc I'm not your friend etc.
Teacher said this behaviour used to start much later but she's hearing it earlier and earlier. What do you say to such a child if it happens in front of you? Can reasure my dd but then at home I hear her repeat it - to me and to other children who come and play, which I really can't stand! Boys don't have these sort of problems as far as I can see...
What do you do about it and also why do you think it's starting earlier these days?

Get used to it, because it happens a lot. Your dd probably says it to other children too, if she doesn't want to play with them at that particular moment.

But really at this age it doesn't mean anything - once they get a bit older and understand how much it hurts, some children do use it as a way of getting at other children, but at 3 they don't really understand what they're saying and are too young to realise how much their words can hurt. They don't want to play at that particular time, so they say so.

And as you've seen, they can be saying it one minute, and playing as happily as you like the next.

Don't worry about it - you can explain to your daughter that it's OK not to want to play and that her friend will play with her another time. Don't get too wound up by it otherwise your daughter will, too.

Just one of those things. Same happens at my Playgroup when I ask DD who her friends are. She replies XXX but XXX doesn't play with me she plays with other girls. C'est la vie I'm afraid. I just explain to her that sometimes people are your friends and sometimes they aren't. When they are not then you just say oh well then and go and find some other friends but not to worry about it, and she doesn't worry about it either. She is also 3.5. I remember this happening to me when I was a kid

Its so tempting to say, 'well she doesnt want to play with you either you horrid child" but....as WWW says it will all be forgotton by playtime.

Honestly if it happens in front of you ignor it, as you would hope she would, take dd off to side and say "oh dont worry about that she is just being silly".

I try to encourage my DDs to have boy and girl friends, they mix well with both. Also to have lots of friends, not one or two best friends.

FWIW you are probably more miffed than she is.

Boys don't have these sort of problems as far as I can see.

oh yes they do ! Or maybe it is just mine (DS1 is in a class of 8 girls and him). He says it and my 4 year old twin boys have picked it up off him - I hate it.

It is more on the lines of "I'll be your best friend if ....." - aaarrrggghhh - I hated it when I was at school and I thought having boys I would have avoided it.

It does seem to start earlier now though

It happens to/by boys as well. I work in a pre-school and hear it alot. In fact my ds says it quite a lot at the moment as well - it will pass or so I tell myself. If I hear it being said I just say "oh we're all friends at playgroup/nursery aren't we" and they look at me with puzzled faces

I happens to boys too! I dropped DS1 at preschool and heard him ask a little boy really nicely if he could play cars with him and the boy said 'no I don't want you to'. I felt a bit for ds but you can't say anything as kids need to learn to socialise.

Luckily for him the teacher was nearby and encouraged them to play together.

The other thing to remember is that sometimes a statement like 'I don't want to play with you' is not really a child being unkind, but just being very blunt. DS1 often says to me when I lunge in for a hug 'Mummy I just don't want you to touch me'. Puts me in my place, but I know he loves me really

Boys do the same thing. DS1 (5) said it to DH the other day when he was told that it was bedtime!

Agree about boys! I remember feeling heartbroken for ds1 when he started school and had no one to play with. He told me he had asked X to be friends and X said no! He did make friends eventually though.

My dd said the other day that "i dont want to go back to school beacuse X keeps on looking at me, and i dont like her looking at me"

im sure theyll grow out of it- but it is horrible- as the last thing u want for your child is to be a bully or to be bullied.

All good advice!
I'm sure it's just a stage and it doesn't seem to bother dd too much.
What do you do when you hear your kids say it?
I have one friend with a boy the same age who thinks it's an atrocious thing to say. I'm not sure how heavy I should be with her when she comes out with 'you're not me friend'...or for that matter 'I don't like you...go away!'
Also - what about when they say horrible things to you - I hate you / you're boring etc. It feels like she's trying stuff out and doesn't really understand what she's saying. Or else she means it at the time, or is just doing it to get a reaction.... I just ignore it or say that's not a nice thing to say / I don't like it when you say that etc.
Do you find that you respond differently to these statements when you are alone and when you are with others...?
I konw it sounds as if she needs a baby asbo but actually she's great most of the time...