I want to run away

[Mamablahblah]

I am in desperate need of some help. My gorgeous little boy is eight months old, and I have been back at work for three of those months, on a part time basis. I earn significantly more than my partner as I own and run a major high street business (carefully not outing myself). My business was the centre of my life for a very long time, and I loved every single second that I spent working on it. To make it a success I put long hours into it, pouring in my heart and soul....

Now, my heart and soul are currently asleep in a Mothercare cotbed in the next room. I cannot stand going into my office in the mornings. The thought makes me feel physically sick some days. I don't have any choice though, to maintain the life we have built I have to continue doing what I do. Soon, I will have to return to a full time roll and this terrifies me.

What can I do to help myself cope with this? I want to get up and run for the hills, packing my family up and leaving everything else behind. Life doesn't work that way though, and I've been secretly crying about it for weeks. I can't bring myself to tell anyone how I feel, in case they think I've cracked. What do I do?

Honestly? I think you need to tell somebody about it rather than crying in secret, and IRL to someone who knows your situation. Do you have a business mentor who could help you devise a plan to reduce working hours?

If you own it, can you sell it and use the funds to find another way of balancing life?

First - you haven't cracked. You are simply facing the same dilemma many of us faced/are facing. Being the main earner and the one with the Big Job (stop sniggering at the back!) is difficult if your hard-wiring suddenly kicks in and you want something different from life, whether in the short term or permanently. Agree with Elphaba - you really need to discuss this with your partner and those whose counsel you value. You say that you have no choice but to return full time "to maintain the life we have built" but that is a choice in itself. You DO have a choice - the question is what is more important to you/what is practically achievable. It may be useful to make a list of exactly what the consequences would be if, for example, you chose to extend your part time arrangements for a further period of time. Does it mean down-sizing your property or other really drastic actions or clipping back holidays and other luxuries? Only you will know that. Another thing worth mentioning is that they aren't small forever. I have thumping great teenagers now and am glad I kept my career on the go at full pace although it was difficult at the time since they only seem to need me when they need cash or a lift!

I felt like this after returning from my first maternity leave.

I 'solved' it by getting pregnant again. This seemed like a socially acceptable way for me to stay at home with my children, without actually giving up work.

Ridiculous that I couldn't just admit to myself and everyone else that my ("our" actually, DH and myself) priorities had changed since becoming a parent, so I didn't want to work. I took what I felt was a "saving face" option and had a second child a year or two before I would have otherwise done - just so I could stay at home with my children.

I returned from my second maternity leave feeling exactly the same - but having spent the best part of the previous 2 1/2 years at home with the children. My priorities definitely changed then.

I investigated part time working (could you do this OP?), decided instead that I would just take a "sabbatical". I phrased it to others as a career break - just a year or two off work and then I'll be back.

That was in 2007. I now have four children, youngest is 2. I'm a stay at home mum. Its the best job in the world.

We have less money, of course we do. But we manage. We don't get designer clothes and holidays at Disney (or even overseas). But we have a wonder, happy, family with stability and my ever-presence at home.