Cannot cope with dd anymore

[Crapmum13]

Namechanged for obvious reasons.

Dd (2.10) is driving me insane, she whinges, cries and screams constantly. She's just being horrible and I feel like I'm constantly treading on eggshells around her, the smallest thing will set her off.

She has moments when she is adorable and lovely and kind and happy and wonderful to be around but these are rare moments.

When she's being horrible I feel like I have no patience with her and at these moments feel like I just want to walk away from being her mum, I don't want to be her mum at these times and honestly if I could go back in time I would have not had her in the first place. That sounds really nasty doesn't it?

I have tried everything and nothing changes her behaviour.

Don't really know what I want from this post but needed to tell somebody how I'm feeling.

Sorry you're having such a hard time

My son is a similar age to your dd and I think it is a difficult age generally.

Do you have any support - a partner or family help? We all need a break at times and maybe a few hours to yourself would help.

How is your daughters speech? I ask because my sons speech has improved loads recently and that has helped because he can communicate more and make himself understood.

Do you manage to get out much? I find things much easier if I take ds out - just going to the park and feeding the ducks passes some time. I stretch it out by going for a walk as well (he will usually walk part of the way and goes in his pram once tired. He'll also sometimes nap so I stroll while he does)

Have you spoken to your health visitor at all? They might have some further suggestions to help you.

Hang in there - it will get easier in time x

Thankyou.

Yes my husband is brilliant, much better with her than I am! My mum helps a lot too but even she remarks on how "strongwilled" dd is.

We do get out a fair bit but I can never be sure what her behaviour is going to be like and it's awful when she thrashes about screaming in the middle of wherever we are, I can't do anything to stop her! She won't go in a pram anymore, hasent done for months now.

Her speech is really good, no problems there!

Bugged, screwed my namechange up! Oh well!

You have my sympathies, I remember that my dd went in for temper tantrums in a big way when she was two and I really would have happily given her away at that time, ggrrr. However she quickly improved. But the speech thing is a great help. I had to take my dgd away from the sink the other day, because she was wasting water and we live in a country where water is precious. I fully expected her to kick off, but she just turned and told me "I'm not playing with you" and stomped off!

Is it likely she will get better then? I so want to enjoy spending time with her (Im off over the summer but a student midwife so time is precious in term time) but I just can't enjoy anything for fear of her kicking off.

People stare really disapprovingly when she does it in public, even people with young children of their own which makes me think it's not normal for her to be tantruming the way she does?!

No helpful advice here. But just wondered if people are really staring/judging, or you are just feeling self-conscious? Unless you are responding inappropriately - getting really angry or whatever, which I'm sure you're not - then I'd bet other parents are sympathising rather than being disapproving. Try not to let it affect your plans - you probably both need to get out. I know my 2.6 year old is a bloody nightmare if she doesn't get enough fresh air. She's like a puppy and needs exercising!

Obvious stuff - is she getting enough sleep and how's her diet? Sorry I'm sure you've thought of this.

Sumpathy though - it sounds tough.

Sometimes I think I'm just being self conscious but other times people are definetly disapproving!

She's a brilliant sleeper, she goes to bed at 6.30pm and sleeps through till 7am, occasionally has a nap in the day which pushes her bedtime back a bit.

Diet is fine I think, cereal and fruit for breakfast, sandwich or similar for lunch and a range of dinners (some healthier than others). She eats a lot of fruit though so maybe too much sugar?

I'm not an expert but I'd have thought it would need to be a lot if fruit to impact on her behaviour. Can she tell you if she's hungry? Mine is hideous when she's hungry and although her language is brilliant, she won't ever say she is hungry - I'm not sure she yet recognises the feeling. Is there plenty of protein in what she's having to keep her full? Just a thought..

I'd really try and ignore other people, though I know it's difficult. It happens with small kids. If you're comfortable you're responding effectively them don't worry about it.

Also - do you think she might be picking up on how you're feeling? Again, I know mine behaves worse when I'm having a bad day day/tired/whatever and don't have patience with her. It seems to exacerbate her challenging behaviour and we can get into a spiral. Don't want to make it sound like its your fault - two year olds can be hell bloody hardwork - but it might be worth thinking about.

Are you consistent in handling tantrums? What do you do? There's a website called A-Ha parenting which I quite like which might be worth looking at - sometimes even if it's just to remind me what I already know.

I'm really not an expert, just thinking of the stuff that comes to mind!

Yes she's very confident in letting me know she's hungry, she doesn't ever stop eating!!

I try to be consistent in dealing with the tantrums, but it is difficult, espesially if it's a particularly bad one as I can't get too close else she thrashes even more which ends up with both of us getting hurt. I try to distract her and if that fails I just ignore her which seems to work most of the time. Then I give her a big hug and explain to her why it's not nice to tantrum etc.

I'm beginning to dread every day I spend with her though and that makes me feel awful and so sad for our relationship.

It's not called the Terrible Two's for nothing. I'd say she's a girl who likes control. She probably already has strong views about the clothes she wears!
Is there any warning before the tantrum or does she just fly off the handle?
Has she a good nap routine, same time every day etc?
I found the tantrums in mine were worse later in the afternoon when they are tired/hungry.
If you try not to take the tantrums personally. She doesn't mean anything by them. I am not one of those people who looks disapprovingly in the supermarket.
While the child is having the tantrum there is damn all you do to communicate with her. Better to just sit beside her or get down on her level and wait patiently until it's over and she calms down. She has no control over it once it is into full swing.
And then stay calm yourself. Forget what other people are thinking. Then like you are already doing, hug her and and just go on with what you were doing. Don't let the tantrum change how you feel about her.
Yes, it's very wearing. Having a 2.10yr old is very wearing no matter what their behaviour. And working or studying as well as being a parent is doubly wearing.
She literally is feeling emotion and frustration that she can't have something and has no other option but to tantrum.
When they are older they can communicate their feelings more and you can negotiate more. Like when they are 3.5 and you say 'No, you can have the smoothie at lunchtime, we don't have smoothies in the mornings' they can understand that.
At 2.10 they just have one strategy and that's shout the bloody house down or give me what I want.
They have no control over situations and the lack of control makes them just go berserk with frustration. They are happily going along in control of everything in their lives then suddenly - No! you can't have that! Or No! We have to go home now! etc.
It'd be like if you went into your kitchen and who ever you lived with suddenly turned and said to you 'No, you can't have a cup of tea and No, you can't have your breakfast, I'm in charge! You sit in that chair there and don't move till I tell you'. And what if you had no words to really explain how angry you were about that? You'd probably through a tantrum on the floor.
You can come to a compromise more easily with a child that is a little older. So yes it does get better!
So treat the tantrum as what it is. It is a behavioural outburst. It doesn't mean anything about how much she loves you or doesn't love you, it's just behaviour. And she'll grow out of it.
Don't give in to her either to avoid a tantrum. Stick to the rules about food etc, treats. If you are inconsistent and changing the rules all the time based on your own moods, then she will have more tantrums because she never knows whether to expect you to say Yes or No to the Can I Haves. I mean we all do that a little bit, but in general try to stick to your house rules about when the treats are, and what is allowed in the supermarket etc. The supermarket is a flaming battleground, but unfortunately most mothers have to bring their toddler with them.
If she is in a position to compromise, offer her some sort of control in a new situation as a distraction. So in the Supermarket say No! you can't have that smoothie, but I'll need you to choose which Pasta shape you want now in a minute. Or if you think she'll kick off about going to the childminder etc, you can say 'now which coat would like you to wear for going to Jackie's - the spotty one or the blue one?'