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Original poster

What would you do?

30 replies

PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 14:48

DD had her first day at playschool today.

According to the teachers she was fine... a bit quiet but involved and ate well etc.

However the first thing i noticed when i went in to get her was how tired and stressed she looked. She seemed really pale and lonely looking. When we got her to the car she starting sobbing and had a major meltdown at home, only calmed down after lots of hugs and kisses and being reassured we loved her.

She has a comfort object, a bear, that i told the teacher to give her if she was upset but she didn't even know he was in her bag til she saw me take him out at home and wouldn't have had the courage to ask for him anyway. I don't understand why she wasn't given him when so obviously upset.

I'm rambling but this has really upset me.... i'm not sure i can bring myself to send her again tomorrow but if this is all normal while she settles in and she'd be perfectly happy i'm not sure i shouldn't.

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Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:02

bump....

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Flamesparrow · 31/01/2007 15:04

Was she upset at school though - I know they can quite often poddle along fine at school, and then only crumple in the safety of home iyswim - when it suddenly dawns on them that " Mummy left me!!!"

I think she's just settling in (and probably is tired - an early night will help)

Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:06

she didn't see me at first when i went in and she was sitting there looking absolutely miserable..... like she was holding back tears and really frightened

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Porpoise · 31/01/2007 15:06

oh, PinkTulips, it's hard, isn't it?
If it's any help, all three of mine have been absolutely worn out by their first few weeks at playgroup - they'd come home tired and and listless or grumpy or tearful.
Sometimes all three at once!

AlwaysTheMummy · 31/01/2007 15:10

On ds first day at nursery he fell asleep as soon as we got home.

Its a shock to their system, how old is your dd?

I'd be inclined to monitor her for a while, it could just be settling in but do tell the teacher that she was very upset and hopefully they can keep an eye on her.

Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:11

Did they start to enjoy it soon though?

They said she was very good and helped tidy and everything but she's a bit of a people pleaser and could very easily have been doing stuff because she was told to and was afraid to make them cross with her. When she's comfortable and happy she's chatty and disobedient... apparently she was quiet and helpful all day. That probably doesn't make sense but if you knew her it probably would!

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PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:14

she's only 2 so not absolutely necessary she goes... i thought she'd like playing with other kids and tbh i'm worn out with a 6 month old as well and rather selfishly looking for some time to spend with himon his own as i've never spent time with him on his own.

But that simply nowhere near enough reason to make her stick it out if she hates it.

I'm terrified if we bring her back tomorrow she'll think we want rid of her and be devestated.... we told her she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to but she won't talk about it

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Porpoise · 31/01/2007 15:18

How much did she know about playgroup before today? Had you been for a visit or was this the first time she'd been there?
And did you stay for a bit with her? Or leave straightaway?
Can SO sympathise with the 18-month-age gap exhaustion, by the way...

Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:21

we'd been to visit a couple of month back and she loved it... didn't see her the whole time we were there. We stayed this morning (me, dp and baby brother!) for about half an hour til she started playing and said bye, bye of her own accord. we looked in after we left and she was palying happily.

i asked them to ring if she was at all upset and told them i didn't expect her to last the day and just to call when she got upset or tired so was very surprised not to hear from them all day.

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PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:22

we'd been talking about it for weeks too, forgot to add. and she had a big chat with her daddy last night about it and was excited.

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Porpoise · 31/01/2007 15:24

Sounds as if it went OK then really - and it can't have been too much of a shock for her.
I'd give it another go tomorrow - with as much enthusiasm as you can muster (don't let her pick up on your anxieties).
Odds on, she'll settle in beautifully.
Don't beat yourself up about it, please!

AlwaysTheMummy · 31/01/2007 15:25

my ds goes to school nursery now but when he was in private nursery, there were many days that he was unsettled going in but we persisted with it and now he goes to school no problem, he actually pushes us out the door.

I've always made a big deal out of school, saying things like:

You will make lots of friends
You will have lots of fun

You know what I mean, lol, you will always get days when they really don't want to go to school.

But you know your daughter better than anyone and if you think it's too soon for her to go to school then try again later, could it be that she knows you are home with the baby? If so just make a big fuss of her how clever she is to go to school, you probably do anyway, just trying to help you find an easy balance

admylin · 31/01/2007 15:26

With my dd, we tried sending her but she was so sad that we left it for a year and the second time it went alot better and she settled. Ds however managed to settle after 3 or 4 days so it might be worth trying atleast a few more days and if she still seems sad then you could try later.
My dd was so sad it was bordering on depression. She was very unhappy.You should go with your instincts, if you think she isn't enjoying it keep her at home, she has got loads of time to catch up even in a years time.

Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:36

i'm going to bring her in the morning (provided she doesn't get too upset at the prospect) and have serious words with the teacher about not ringing when she was upset and not giving her her bear.

If she atill doesn't like it i'll put the money towards bringing her to lots more toddler groups like swimming, etc. (not helpful for the shattered mommy syndrome but better that her being miserable)

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Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 15:38

thanks all...... i was so excited for her thinking she'd really enjoy it and i'm so upset she had a miserable experiance

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Porpoise · 31/01/2007 15:41

Hope it all goes well tomorrow.
Just seen your dd's pic in your member profile - how could you NOT give that child her bear? she's gorgeous!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 31/01/2007 15:44

Tbh it sounds as if she wasn?t upset as such while she was there but didn?t really get upset until you got to the car. It may just be that she was a bit shy and still settling in- teacher said she was a bit quiet but ate and helped tidy up etc? sounds to me as if she settled in just fine actually, my ds used to scream ?I want my mummy? as I left the building, so to not cry at all she actually did really well.

I would try not to have too much of a go at the teacher, if bear is offered to a child just for being a bit quiet then it can just reinforce the need to be upset iyswim, and as she?s not actually crying she?s doing really well.

Re her being very tired, it?s a new experience for her, my ds used to fall asleep on the couch after his first few sessions at nursery, purely because it?s all new and al different things to get used to.

I would persevere for now, if she?s crying when you leave her then obviously you could rethink, but if she?s going in without a fuss then tbh I don?t think you have anything to worry about.

AlwaysTheMummy · 31/01/2007 15:45

just had a look too, lol, she's a cutie pie, make sure the teachers take head, you're paying them so they could a least do that.

lisalisa · 31/01/2007 15:48

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ginnedupmummy · 31/01/2007 16:03

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purpleturtle · 31/01/2007 16:08

Agree that if children are being picked up it can unsettle kids, as ginnedupmummy describes.

Why not send her in with her bear in her hand? Then tell nursery that they are free to put it in her bag, on the windowsill, whatever, when she puts it down because she's engrossed in something, but at least that way she's not dependent on it being offered to her.

I do think you need to give it longer before you decide it's not for her/you, though. I have a "people-pleaser", too, and it takes them a while to work out how to fit in to new environments!

Original poster
PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 17:01

hmmm.... i think it's hard to describe to someone who doesn't have a child like her how out of character it is to be quiet and do as she's told.... she only behaves like that if she's very nervous and expecting to be given out to... if she's comfortable she's a little monkey!

she's relaxed a bit now and i've talked to her about going tomorrow and she seems appy enough to go again now that we've reassured her that she can ask to come home when she wants (difficulty there is getting her to talk to the teacher as she simply refuses to talk to strangers) so will bring her in (bear firmly in her grip!) and ask hem to please ring me if she's getting tired.

it wasn't that she saw other moms as there are no set drop off and pick up times... we can pick which 5 hours we want her to go... only about 4 kids from her room were there before her today and several of them were doing full days so don't think she would have seen many others get picked up.

I'm hoping i'm just being far too overdramatic and she'll be fine by the end of the week but am shell shocked at seeing her like that.... i've honestly never seen her so frightened as when we got in the door and she was just clinging to dp sobbing

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purpleturtle · 31/01/2007 17:03

5 hours does seem a long time to start with. Could you start by leaving her for 2 or 3 hours, then build up to the full session?

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PinkTulips · 31/01/2007 17:25

well we had expected them to ring when she'd had enough.... i ad talked to the teacher about it and explicitely said i didn't expect her to do the full day by any means and we'd get her whenever she was tired.

i think my main issue is with the staff not seeming to notice or care that she was very upset.... i can understand they must be extremely busy with so many to mind but surely on her first day when she's bound to be upset and nervous they should be extra vigilant about her? i'm starting to think they might be a bit understaffed which concerns me... there are 2 girls to take care of all the babies and toddlers in the playgroup (3/4 maybe 5 babies and at least 6/7 toddlers under 3 ) and a montessori teacher who has the class of over 3's (about 6/7 i think) and the woman who runs it, but she seems to spend most of her time in the kitchen or office.

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PinkTulips · 01/02/2007 11:47

me thinks i'm being a paranoid mummy again as she positively ran in the door this morning! she clammed up when we got inside but i was talking to the nicer of the 2 teachers and she said towards the end yeasterday she had started playing with the other kids and cheering up a bit.... presumably she was just shattered when i went in so she'll ghave a shorter day today

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