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Parenting

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Original poster

How do i toughen up - getting upset that dd doesnt get invited on playdates/parties

21 replies

Mandymoo · 30/01/2007 21:16

DD is 4. I can understand why she doesnt always get invtied to parties and playdates as she is very very quiet and not a very confident child - i have stopped trying to push her into being sociable. She rarely even talks to her classmates at playschool.

BUT, although it may not bother her atm, i cant help but feel a little sad sometimes when all the other mums are arranging playdates etc. I have arranged one or two, but then dd has not been invited back.

I need tips on how to toughen up before i go mad!

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misdee · 30/01/2007 21:17

now do you wanty strong stern words or soft soothing words?

ledodgy · 30/01/2007 21:18

I don't think you can tbh. As you say ,you understand the reasons why but you're her mum you're bound to feel gutted.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 30/01/2007 21:20

er.....................soft and soothing with just a hint of stern - be gentle!!

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misdee · 30/01/2007 21:21

ok she is you, she may not get invites in pre-school.nursery,. but that wil lall change in school anyway.

is she aware that other children go round each others hosues and play out of school? dd1 wasnt at that age.

misdee · 30/01/2007 21:22

she is young

SpeckledHen · 30/01/2007 21:22

So sorry Mandymoo. That has happened to us and is so hard. Do you have parties for your dd?

gothicmama · 30/01/2007 21:23

you are you and dd is dd accept it and let her make her own way in the world try to arrange something fab to do that dd enjoys when othrs on play dates so she has somethibg different to talk about at circle time etc. it is hard sometimes dd 6 now was very similar but I find she is happier if I don't get streesed about things like this

Spidermama · 30/01/2007 21:26

Aw Mandy I feel for you.

I remember my dd being painfully shy when she was four. It was awful to see her withdraw in the playground. She had a complete personality change upon arrival at school from a sunny, talkative girl at home, to a nervous, shy girl at school staring down at her shoes. It was so upsetting and I even considered home educating her.

Now though, I honestly don't know what happened, but she's so confident. She has really come out of herself and she's not the only girl in her year whom I have watched undergo a similar transformation.

Maybe your dd will come out of herself.

Anisse · 30/01/2007 21:30

ther could be lots and lots of reasons , none of which reflect badly on your little girl.
I can tell you when she gets into reception and is surrounded by a load of Bossyknickers, she will be popular. That's the way it is in dd2's class. (she is aBossyknickers and adores the quiet good girls).

I would invite a little friend and her Mum around every other Friday for tea. That way, the Mum gets to understand your little girl and dd gets used to socialising .

I am sure she is just gorgeous.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 30/01/2007 21:30

Its so frustrating as i cannot stop her from talking at home!

tbh, she doesnt seem bothered about playdates etc.

We invited 6 of her classmates to her party last year but she hasnt been invited to a single party in 18 months.

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 30/01/2007 21:31

Yeah, she is gorgeous and i really dont want to push her. She seems happy but i guess i just feel she may be missing out a bit.

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gothicmama · 30/01/2007 21:33

don't pushe her do stuff she enjoys like feed ducks library story time so she gets use to being out and about

Anisse · 30/01/2007 21:38

I am sure she isnt aware yet that sh e is missing out.

Find one little friend and build up a friendship and confidence from there maybe?

DD2 her best friend of 4 years has been coming to our house for years and I swear I have only heard the little mite speak aloud twice. She seems to enjoy the wild and wacky ideas and bossiness of my dd. Each child has their niche I promise you.

pointydog · 30/01/2007 21:38

If dd is not bothered then everything's fine and dandy. She is missing out on nothing. PLaydates are over rated.

In time she might start asking for a friend over. Until then, get your chin up and carry on enjoying her company!

cori · 30/01/2007 21:40

Mandymoo, MY DS is almost 5 and very much the same. I go into his class once a week to help out and I can see he doesnt interact with the other boys very well. We also invited quite a number to last years birthday and he has only recieved one invitation back. I was v when I realised the other children have been having parties and not inviting DS, however invites have been coming in from other places, but he has never been on a playdate etc.. My stratergy is involve DS in lots of other outside activities, where he can over time meet other children. He goes to stagecoach (to improve confidence and have fun) woodchips (emphasis on friendship and sharing) and football after school club.(am not football fan myself but good for him to try things)

Original poster

Mandymoo · 30/01/2007 21:44

thanks for the advice ladies!

She does have a little friend live nearby who we sea quite a bit of - they are polar opposites but dd does seem to enjoy her company.

Tbh, dd seems to enjoy her own company and is very very good at making up her own games etc. Guess i will just let her get on with it

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GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 30/01/2007 21:57

Can't offer advice, but can offer support. My DD is now 12 and never has been invited to many parties. She had a party every year, but only ever got invited to her best friend's house/party, nobody else invited her anywhere. It used to really upset me, despite other people saying things like 'Lucky you, at least you don't have to keep buying presents and giving up your saturdays taking her places' which was quite unhelpful as I would have given anything to do that! It doesn't seem to have bothered her as much as it (secretly) bothered me. Just don't let her see you are upset about it, or she will feel she ought to be too. Sorry can't be of assistance, but you are not alone. I'm sure there are plenty of children who don't receive truckloads of invitations, we just imagine that everyone else is having a better time.

Soapbox · 30/01/2007 22:07

Mandymoo - I found that it helped not to think of invites to tea/parties as reciprocal things. I just kept inviting loads of people round and holding all class parties and over time you become part of the 'scene'!

I think at this age, when they are too young to drop off, it is as much about who the mum is friends with as the child. So concentrate on inviting mum and child round as much as possible and taking it from there. We had one afternoon a week which was friends for tea afternoon and just filled it up week after week - or maybe I was just a glutton for punishment

wanderingstar · 30/01/2007 23:18

Mandymoo she sounds like a lovely little girl. If she enjoys her own company and is happy with 1 or 2 close friends then ENJOY...
She sounds like an interesting little girl with her own interior life going on. Plenty of time for busy playdates later imo.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 31/01/2007 10:29

thanks for all the replies X

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AlwaysTheMummy · 31/01/2007 15:40

aww hun, I know exactly how you feel, my ds has just started nursery and we moved to a new town so he went from having a handful of friends to none, he is very socialable and will play with anyone so its upsetting for me when he says that he has no friends and he wants someone to play with.

I keep myself sane by telling myself that in time he will have friends from school and before I know it i'll be saying 'what more friends over grrr' lol

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